Fresh Fallen Snow

Looking forward to a new year is like looking at fresh fallen snow. Snow doesn't happen in my 'hood' very often but I was blessed to see it over Thanksgiving weekend up at my parents cabin. Opening the curtains of our room after a crazy tumultuous storm the evening before, was absolutely breathtaking and brought tears to my eyes. No blemish in the snow.....no color or tarnish. It was so pure and immaculate.
After looking at the beauty of the snow, we could hardly wait to go out and ruin it! We got our boots on and bundled up. We started to trample all over it, taste it, fall in it and picked it up from its perfection. Although it saddened me a bit to see the snow misplaced and disheveled, I realized that if we never went outside; we would have never experienced one of the best memories for me to date.
As I open the curtain to next year, I see that it is beautiful right now because nothing has happened. Nothing good or bad. It is perfect, pure and immaculate. My choice is whether I frolic and play while disrupting the perfection or stay inside so that I don't "ruin" what it is. I stay inside out of fear of messing up, getting dirty and real.
Whatever I decide, I am ready to kiss this year goodbye. With all of its good and bad and ugly. So much learning has happened and it will continue into the next year. Circumstances haven't been on our side but that doesn't mean next year will be any better. Maybe this year was the tumultuous storm that rages in order to bring the purity that was the next morning. That is the promise, the hope and the possibility of a better year that I hold on to. And that brings tears to my eyes......

Happy New Year everyone.

The holidays

So the holidays are here. I am so grateful that MarKay gets it this year and I can focus on her enjoyment and excitement over the magic of Christmas. Time is now repeating and I can say, "last year at this time I was pregnant." That is a weird reality and I kind of avoid that. Even looking at family pics and the Santa visit. it is hard to realize that I would have a son there too.

Overall, I am so happy to be creating new memories and starting new traditions. No matter what, I continue to learn more about myself, my beliefs, and my dreams. I guess that is the point right?

I made the call.....

Since the devastating news from my counselor that she had delivered a stillborn....it took me three months to pick up the phone and call one of the other counselors that she had recommended. I picked out a condolence card at the store and had it sitting the whole time as well. I knew that there was nothing I could wright on that card that would make any difference for her. She would still have no peace from my words.
I wonder why it took me so long to call. I think the biggest reason is that I had to pick up the phone for myself. As the months went by, I realized that my wounds were still there, oozing, and yet I kept going. I knew that losing my counselor really effected me but I wouldn't allow myself to go there. As I sat and met this new counselor, she lifted the layers of this loss and I found myself melting in tears talking about how this news really shaped me. I kept saying that it isn't my loss and I shouldn't be so affected. This woman looked at me and informed me that yes it was yet another death and grief in my life. I not only lost an important confidant, but a major part of my support system.....This was so true and I was so relieved that my feelings about this were justified.
I kept telling her that I was just pissed now. I went on strike from counseling....this makes no sense but I needed to rebel somehow.....
Making the call this time was the responsible thing to do. If I didn't get help for myself then I would be putting my family in jeopardy. I knew I couldn't be effective as a wife or mother or just even doing myself any good. Going and talking to someone proved how true this was. Going for even a few months without counseling proved how good I was at pushing emotion and issues down.
Am I glad I made the call? Yes. Was it easy? No. Would I do it again.....definitely. Sometimes you can't get through this life on your own.

He Gives and Takes Away

The song "Blessed Be Your Name" has always resonated with me. However, since our loss, I have never been able to get through the song without crying. You will see the lyrics to the song at the end of this post but before you get there....this song is what we quoted in our email to notify everyone of our loss. At the time it seemed perfect, but now it is even more real.
As we grow to fall deeper in love with our daughter, I can't believe how much of a blessing she is. Yet we still grow and grieve in our loss as well.

So.....this last weekend, I was singing at Inland Hills. I got the email that stated the set list. As I'm sure you can suspect, Blessed Be Your Name was on it. I laughed out loud. Of course, how am I supposed to get through this? This further intensified when at rehearsal I found out that I was to sing the first part of this song solo. I immediately wanted to decline but knew that this was no accident. Added to this was the fact that the worship leader was going to speak in the middle of the song about how easy it is to praise God when He gives, but when he takes away is when we must CHOSE to praise Him. Ok really?!? This is too close to home for me.

With many do-overs and really wondering if I could do this, I had to completely surrender to God and have Him use me in my brokenness. I wanted an out but knew that I couldn't take it. This was designed for me. I still haven't made it through that song without shedding a tear but I am OK with that. I shared this with the worship leader; "It is what it is." So thank you God for getting me through it and I can't believe I am saying this but, thank you for the opportunity to lean completely on you.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Choices

Sitting in a sermon, I heard this quote. Tears streamed down my face as it hit me. So hard, so true....

"Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives."
-Choice, by Fredric Flach

Oh my. I don't quire know why it hit so hard. Maybe because I know that I had one of those moments. That what I do from here will determine so much of my life.
I also know that so much of how I respond is a choice. Whether to seek help, count my blessings, and realize that it is a long journey.......I must choose. Choosing anything else will not fulfill. It will only stall any progress, growth or hope that I have. Choosing God through it all isn't always easy. After all, He allowed it....it was His will. I have to choose to believe He protected me through this and that this will is somehow, someway making me better. If I don't believe this, choose to believe.....I have no hope, no rock to hold me up....no foundation. I must choose to have a relationship with Him. Choose to forgive myself and stop trying so hard to be 'better' because I can't. I can just be me. I think that is enough. I must choose to be enough.....that is enough.

Help Wanted

Well it has been awhile. I guess I can say that I have been tired of the "pity parties" but I promised to let you know how I'm doing. Good, bad and ugly.

I saw a rainbow the other day and started crying. I wasn't sure why but then it dawned on me. As I was looking at something so beautiful, the background to the beauty was black with threatening clouds. It is amazing to me that in the ugly, the scary, the heavy and dark; a rainbow is there. That is how I feel. Beauty is in the midst of chaos, fear, destruction, and desolation. Blessings are in this life. The glimmers of hope and of God are there in and among the trials.

I found out some disturbing news about my counselor this last week. In a previous post I mentioned that my counselor that I have been seeing was on maternity leave. She sent us a letter stating that she did have a baby girl in August but she was stillborn. I was in shock and disbelief. This can't possibly happen. I mourned for her, for us; for everyone who has ever had this happen. She also let us know that she could no longer counsel us because of the circumstance. This just pissed me off. I completely understand why, but now I've lost my counselor to this as well. I considered her my friend and my confidant. And now we grieve together...separately. The worst event in both of our lives will keep us from getting together.

On a selfish note, I don't even want to think about finding another counselor. I can't believe this is now a bump in the road. And by the way, does this happen to everyone now!? It freaks me out to think about it.

But yes there are the rainbows. The fact that I have a beautiful rainbow everyday in my daughter, my husband, and many other loved ones. The fact that I can walk, breathe, and live how I choose. I have many things that others don't and I am grateful. Although I have many blessings, I still need help. Help to sort these things out, help to discover God and His ways, and help to find myself among the questions. Help is Wanted.

Never Let Go...

This song is so amazing and it makes me cry every time. Be Blessed,

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

-Matt Redman

Death

If you haven't already done so, read "The Beginning" (my first couple posts) to fully understand my posts.

So death is really not such a great topic is it? Although, it is something that we will all experience and it is something that is inevitable. So why is it so hard to discuss?
After having death so close to me (literally inside me for a month), it has been a friend of mine. Tears, grief, anger, and confusion. However, sorrow and sadness can be so beautiful. You feel so deeply and so real that it is almost blinding. You must surrender to it and have no choice in the matter. This friend comes and goes as it pleases, most of the time he is uninvited. I have to say it has been so refreshing to have no control over the emotion, no way to mask it, no manipulation in it. It is what it is.
I fear that my friend will visit again. Because it has been so real, I really don't want another appearance. Sometimes I pray that MarKay will make it through the night. I pray on the road that a tire doesn't blow and I leave my child motherless. I get nervous when I haven't heard from Jer when I should have and pray God will spare me and bring him home safely.
But why worry about something I cannot control? Once again, this friend is uninvited. But until he shows up again, I will continue to pray and hope this fear soon fades away.
The deepness of grief will linger and the beauty of feeling so fully with remain and for that...... I am grateful.

Rests.....

I read this the other day and how beautiful it is and so true. Enjoy...

There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music. In the melody of our life, the music is separated here and there by rests. During those rests, we foolishly believe he have come to the end of the song. God sends us times of forced leisure by allowing sickness, disappointed plans, and frustrated efforts. He brings a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives, and we lament that our voices must be silent. We grieve that our part is missing in the music that continually rises to the ear of our Creator. Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there.
God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we sorrowfully say to ourselves, "There is no music in a rest," let us not forget that the rest is part of the making of the music. The process is often slow and painful in this life, yet how patiently God works to teach us! And how long He waits for us to learn the lesson!
-John Ruskin

I am in the rest, the pause, the silence.....waiting for the music to start again. It will I know.

Hanging by a thread

Ok so I hate feeling like I am hanging by a thread. Life is tough. It will not stop, and it will not always be easy. This is not a new reality for me. What is new is the fact that I recognize that just because I love God, doesn't mean life will be a cake-walk. This has been a very rough reality.
Really it doesn't matter how 'good' of a Christian I will be. Life is still going to suck on occasion. I can't change the circumstances by trying to be better.

Jer came to me this morning with "the look." Yes the one where you say, "Oh crap, what's wrong?" Yes it was crap because he informed me that the neck on his acoustic bass had snapped off. Don't know how or why. Immediately I start to cry as Jerry hangs his head. Just another hurdle right?
Now, why can't I take things like this and say, "Don't worry, God is my strength." "He will make a way." "God is in control.".......I don't say those things because I don't believe them right now. However, I do believe in God. I believe that He is who He says He is and there will be a time when I can look back at all this crap and thank Him. But right now, I'm pretty pissed off. I won't turn my back, but I will take my time. Ultimately I want to be real with God, something I don't think I have ever been. I realize if I turn my back, I have no hope. The things of this world will suck and they will eventually fade away.

I'm tired of being tossed and tousled around like waves in the ocean when things are too much. On that note, are you sure God doesn't give us too much to handle?! Really?!.......I must be pretty damn strong then. I don't want to test that theory, trust me......
So for those of you who are not thrown off course when life hits, who stand strong and acknowledge God; I admire you. Because right now, I'm hanging by a thread.....

Ironic

I just think it is ironic that my counselor is on maternity leave. Yeah I know....
She wanted to make sure I was ok with her being my counselor after we lost the baby. I kinda wanted to laugh because I already have one =).
I am very grateful of this fact. I can't imagine going through this without having MarKay. Although I know I mentioned before that this scares me a bit. I really don't want to use my little one as my healing agent. I want her to be my daughter and not the source of filling my 'void.' I do believe that God planned it this way. I know that she is my beam of light, the reality that birth is a miracle, my hope, and the fact that God is good. So in all this darkness, thank you God that you have given me a ray of light. She is the biggest reason I don't turn my back, fall off the edge, and find the strength to move on.
My other reason? Jerry. I told him with our baby still lifeless in utero that I wanted to have 'this' make us stronger, closer together, and even more unified than ever. The road is tough but I am so grateful to have him. I have also said, I would never want to go through something like this without someone like him. That is another blessing.
So through all this, I am surrounded. Surrounded with love and life. I don't want to miss it.....

Fear

Fear is a pretty tricky thing. I think it is the source of how I have lived my life for who knows how long. The "What If" syndrome is debilitating and really prevents me from living life to the fullest.
Someone once asked, "If you had three wishes, what would they be?" Others wanted money, talent, bigger boobs.....

But when it boils down to it, I wish for this:
1. Confidence
Really if I had this, I would be able to do anything. There are very few things I feel confident in.
2. No Fear/Faith
Ok so I am kinda cheating here but wouldn't you say this is connected?
3. Humility
After I believe I can conquer the world, I would only want to fear God and thank Him for all the confidence he gave me =).

Yeah I want bigger boobs too but if I had true confidence, I wouldn't need that. I want to be an amazing singer, but without confidence; I wouldn't believe I was an amazing singer (maybe I don't now). Ah yes, the money factor. Well I believe that money would erase all of our 'problems.' This ultimately is a lie and if you don't believe me, you need to watch "The Curse of Lottery Winners." Although I would love to stay home with my little one. However, who's to say fear isn't keeping me from that even right now? Who knows.

I truly believe that we don't have all these things so that we can choose to trust God. To build our faith through this thing called life. Faith and trusting is not easy.....I have not arrived when it comes to that. Wonder if that will ever happen. It just might be the thing that we will forever strive to have. No fear....faith......freedom.

Even If Your Hands are Shaking....

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken....
Even as your eyes are closing,
do it with a heart wide open......

-John Mayer

Dare I Say.....

Dare I say I am laughing more? I mean really laughing. Laughing at my daughter, Jerry and just life in general. Didn't think that would ever happen again. Feels great.

So a death like this can jack up your thoughts on your relationship with God. For instance, prayer. Really I pray what I WANT God to do. I mean I say "whatever you will", but come on....we really don't mean that. Especially when you can't even fathom what His will was in situations like this.

I also automatically think that I have done something wrong. Like not have consistent quality 'quiet times' with Him. I know, I know, it isn't true. But, it is a natural reaction.

So this is funny, I accidentally stole some baby wipes the other day. Yeah they were under my basket and I forgot to put them up to have them checked at the register. When I got to the car, and strapped K in, I realized I forgot to buy them. Well being a good Christian that I am, I didn't go back in, I put them in my car and went home. I then was hoping that I wouldn't get struck by lightning all the way home! Well I didn't and to be honest with you, I don't regret taking them for a second! Sometimes it's good to be bad! I'm happy to report that I don't have a new desire for stealing....it really was an accident! Just another lesson in life! It can be the little things that teach you big things about God.

Truth Be Told

It is super easy now to tell people that I am in counseling. Well of course, dealing with what we went through, it makes sense. But Truth Be Told, I was in counseling before our loss. I started going November 2008. I was ashamed, embarrassed and I felt that I wasn't a 'good enough' Christian that I couldn't do it on my own. We should be able to pray and have a great relationship with God that we can do all things through Him right? Ok, so that is a lie and I am fully aware of it now.
I began to see my counselor because I was dealing with being a working mom. It was a rather difficult transition for me and the reality is that it just magnified what I was able to mask for so long. I couldn't keep the lid on the boiling pot anymore and wanted to finally face my issues. I knew that it would help me become a better wife, mother and ultimately better for me.
So there you have it...........I'm broken........... Truth Be Told, so are you.

Why start now?

So now that you all have the history (if not, read "The Beginning"), I wanted to give you a little insight into 'why' I decided to write a blog.
First of all, shouldn't we all have a blog about how we are doing....really? I don't think we are ever really honest about it!
On our trip to Montana, Jer was playing a gig there and we got to take the family. Many people asked if MarKay was our only child, or if we were planning on having more children. Jer and I decided that we wanted to include our baby boy into our family and felt that we should honor his life with him being apart of us, because we will never forget him or ever disregard him. Well, in telling complete strangers about our loss, it occurred to me that some of the information I was sharing, many of my closest friends did not know nor ask of me. I felt that it wasn't right that you all wouldn't know the good, bad and ugly but complete strangers were getting that piece of me. So there you have it.....
Now the big question....Are we going to try again? Do we want another child? This is a complicated question. Our plan was to always have two children.....and we have. We in no way feel "ready" or "healed." My hesitation is in dealing with the pain and not trying to cover it up with another child. I want to make sure if we bring another child in this world, it is in a healthy manner....as healthy as possible of course. I know that I won't be healed in time.....I think there will always be a hole in my heart for my son. So the bottom line is that we are still praying about the child situation. Not sure if I have an answer to that. But if/when it does happen, I will need so many prayers......fear fills my body just thinking about it.
God and I have a long way to go too.....If you are experiencing darkness and having a hard time with your relationship with God, I recommend "Streams In The Dessert." It was been so great for me (Thank you Chrissy). I find myself really enjoying the content and not scoffing at it as I feel I have for awhile. I'm learning that it is ok to be mad at God, something I can say I've never allowed myself to be. It sucks. Hope that ends soon.
Well, that's it for now.

The Beginning

As I wrote that title, I felt that it is kind of ironic that I call it the 'Beginning' when it really is the end of a life. For those of you that don't know, Jerry and I lost our son on February 9, 2009. I was five and a half months pregnant. Here is the story:

Jerry and I didn't find out we were pregnant until I was already 17 weeks along. It was quite the surprise and we were very nervous about having a second child so soon. Jer and I decided to find out what we were having, we found out on New Years Eve that we were having a boy. Excitement started stirring as we imagined the life we would have with our new addition.
My appointments were monthly so I didn't see the doctor for another four weeks after the ultra-sound. Everything was showing great signs of growth and development.
As the doctor came in, I was telling her how we didn't know I was pregnant for so long and we couldn't believe it. She continued to examine me and was looking for his heartbeat. She couldn't find it but said there was nothing to worry about and she would order an ultra-sound to double check.
The hours after that were excruciating and full of pleading prayers. The next day I went to have an ultrasound in which the technician could not reveal any information. I had the ultrasound at about 1pm and didn't have a phone call until 4pm that evening. My doctor called and gave me the devastating news that our son did not have a heartbeat and was no longer with us. She also informed us that it looked as if he hadn't lived past 17 weeks which meant that he was gone for over a month inside of me.
Sadness immediately took over and I fell to the ground. The next question was, "What next?" She then informed me that I would have to deliver my dead son. Fear immediately filled me. I didn't know what that meant or how I would feel emotionally or physically. Not only that but I would have to wait two days to go to the delivery room.
Many tears and sorrow followed those two days. Many questions and the desire to "get it over with" filled my soul. I couldn't be alone because of the fear. I didn't sleep much and I started to wonder 'why.'
It was such an amazing beautiful day on my way to deliver my son. I couldn't believe how blue the sky was and how sparkling the sun was on that day. I was mad, I wanted it to be stormy, thundering, ugly, because that is how I felt.
It was so wrong to be in a hallway of the hospital that was delivering beginnings. Yet I was there to deliver an end to something. An end to a life, a dream, a hope. Happiness buzzed in that place. It was so ironic that I had been there delivering life a year ago and now I was delivering death.
I started on the pain and inducing medication at 6pm on February 8th. The nurses let me know that I could have an epidural at any point. I was measuring my pain based on having my daughter a year earlier. I was hoping this would be as fast as possible. As six hours went by, I realized that this would not be as fast as we all had hoped. My mom, Jer and even my dad were sleeping with me through the night. Pain increased as my water broke at four in the morning. I was thinking that it would be another six hours after my water broke before he would come, but it was two hours later when I felt the need for the epidural. The order was put in. As the anaesthesiologist was proceeding with the epidural, I knew that he was coming. Unsure of what to do, the anaesthesiologist, continued with the procedure and our son was born in the middle of the procedure.
We got to see him and hold him. He was so tiny and I already could tell that he was going to look like Jerry. It was such a great moment to meet him, even though he wasn't there.

I was so grateful that it was 'over.' Little did I know that this was 'The Beginning.' The beginning of something. Something horrible, painful, and graceful. Something bigger than myself.......

Here We Go....

Ok so I have been avoiding this for quite some time. Even as I type, I have left the computer several times and thought about how to do this.
"How I am Doing...Really" is meant to be honest, real, and vulnerable. It is not meant to help anyone, get attention, or make you think that I am more important than I really am. It is just to tell you "how I am doing.....really"
The next post will be called "The Beginning." This post will let you know "what happened" to me and our family and how I have been since. Although I am in the shadows of darkness, I do feel that it is "The Beginning" of something. I have no idea what, but I know that I am journey-ing there.
I realized that this is an avenue for those of you who don't know 'what to say', or how to say it. Or those of you who ask others, "How is Erin...really?" I understand that there is no way I could really tell you how I am in a short amount of time, and I realize that you really want to know. So here you go. You can keep up with it or not, it is really me.......