I made the call.....

Since the devastating news from my counselor that she had delivered a stillborn....it took me three months to pick up the phone and call one of the other counselors that she had recommended. I picked out a condolence card at the store and had it sitting the whole time as well. I knew that there was nothing I could wright on that card that would make any difference for her. She would still have no peace from my words.
I wonder why it took me so long to call. I think the biggest reason is that I had to pick up the phone for myself. As the months went by, I realized that my wounds were still there, oozing, and yet I kept going. I knew that losing my counselor really effected me but I wouldn't allow myself to go there. As I sat and met this new counselor, she lifted the layers of this loss and I found myself melting in tears talking about how this news really shaped me. I kept saying that it isn't my loss and I shouldn't be so affected. This woman looked at me and informed me that yes it was yet another death and grief in my life. I not only lost an important confidant, but a major part of my support system.....This was so true and I was so relieved that my feelings about this were justified.
I kept telling her that I was just pissed now. I went on strike from counseling....this makes no sense but I needed to rebel somehow.....
Making the call this time was the responsible thing to do. If I didn't get help for myself then I would be putting my family in jeopardy. I knew I couldn't be effective as a wife or mother or just even doing myself any good. Going and talking to someone proved how true this was. Going for even a few months without counseling proved how good I was at pushing emotion and issues down.
Am I glad I made the call? Yes. Was it easy? No. Would I do it again.....definitely. Sometimes you can't get through this life on your own.