Chiseled

Since I have chosen to live a fully authentic life, I have found that one of the hardest elements in this unauthentic world are relationships. From shedding expectations to building up walls of protection.....this is by far the most difficult area for me to maintain a true vulnerability. It's no wonder that my relationship with God can be so complex.....I've seen and realized now more than ever how real my relationship with Him is becoming.  The following piece is one that was formed out of my mind then was read and rejected by another mind (I had submitted it to a well known blog).  These posts or articles are the very pieces of my soul and this one in particular has been a "favorite" of sorts.  Although after re-reading this I find this "rejection" all the more ironic.  This past week I also have experienced rejection in different ways through completely unrelated circumstances. I almost chuckle and grin when I think of this feeling.....this pit in the stomach kind.

But alas, my hope for you is that "one mans trash is another mans treasure" and that you would be blessed on some level with this piece.  As for me, I will take to heart my own words, moving forward in realization that this is just another opportunity for me to be.......

Chiseled


Recently I've had several people in my life experience painful relationships. Whether it has been a break-up, a broken friendship, or a painful relative, it seems that relationships define us.

As I sat and thought of these people and myself I started realizing that we are created, formed, and developed by the people in our lives.

As life has gone by I look back and see myself to be a piece of stone.  I started out as a huge mass of rock, grey, solid, and alone.  Each person I have encountered has taken a piece of me, chiseling away at my being. They break away the corners and edges, rounding out and smoothing the rough places.

With some relationships the pain has been the breaking of my spirit or the dream of what could have been. Those tough break-ups where I wondered what I was thinking. Or when I broke the heart of someone else.  The sadness of hurting someone I cared about. Then there is the friendships that went astray,  whether it was over an incident or just the realization that they were not who I thought they were. Or perhaps the most common in my life, the friendship that doesn't develop into the one I need. An authentic, real, deep connection which requires vulnerability.

Other relationships are painful, they drive me to be better, breaking away the unnecessary, the jagged, the porous chunks that don't belong.  These are my family. My closest connection to my soul.....the ones who bore me, raised me or decided to be with me forever.  My soul sisters or deepest friends who don't always agree with me but can understand me and meet me at the crossroads. Who can respect me and demand the best of me.  Or my leaders who challenge and grow me. Who develop my skills and
abilities to the highest level and capability.

Time after time I encounter these relationships, some on-going and some just take their pieces and leave. When these relationships hammer and take a chunk out of me, sometimes it feels violating. I entrust them with their chisel and they leave the dust behind with crumbs of stone crumpled on the floor. I look down at the destruction and wonder how any of this could make sense.

In the end, these people, moments in time form me, polish me and make me who I am supposed to be.

God my ultimate sculptor, allows these people to come and hammer on my soul and my character, all for the end result......His masterpiece.

At times there is a resistance, an unwillingness to be formed. Questioning these moments of despair and hurt. Other times it is welcomed, a known purpose, a necessary step in the Master Plan.

Each relationship that comes or goes gets a precious piece of me, and I get a piece of them. If I whence at the sight of a hammer and wedge, or feel the sting of a broken relationship, I pray that I remember the piece of stone, the end result.

More  importantly I pray for the willingness, the ability to open up and allow the sculptor to do His job....His will.  When I come face to face with the perfect creator, I will be revealed.  The final product will reflect every relationship, every crease and crevice perfected by Him. Because of this, I pray to give up control. Give up the strong
hold of my stone. I want to willingly become malleable under His hand and remember that I am being whittled away, formed, created........chiseled.

Wrinkled Laundry

Wrinkled laundry

Laundry.....the evil existence of a never-ending  task. Being a wife and a mom has its challenges but my number 1 challenge (and arch enemy) is the laundry.  I grew up doing my own laundry and really was pretty decent at it. But when it came to doing laundry for more than just myself, it really started to fall apart.  I've been known to shrink quite a bit of items, turn undies a nice shade of pink and recently I discovered that I had been "washing" our clothes in fabric softener for a good six months. I claim that the bottle was poorly labeled and my clothes smelled good.....sure the socks were pretty dirty but they were soft!  I started suspecting this mistake on my part and discovered that Gain not only has detergent but also fabric softener......with Fabreese.  It works good, take my word for it.  I've been using it.....alone..... for six months!

But perhaps the very worst thing about laundry is the fact that it involves a good amount of timing. The washer to the dryer and then out of the dryer before the dreaded wrinkles set in. This is a problem for me. I find that left over load two days later in the dryer and then turn it to the "fluff" cycle only to find it a day later and I try it again.

I really didn't think much of this pattern until one day my husband informed me that my daughter was out of underwear. Now the only "good" thing about laundry is the fact that it can pile up behind closed doors without making my house look messy. This is exactly what was happening, I had gone too long before washing my daughters' clothes. Not only that,  but when I went to put in the load I was washing, there it was.....I found a load of their clothes sitting in the dryer. It had been there for a week.....wrinkled.

On this particular day I felt more than just a laundry misfit, I felt like a failure. So much so that after my husband told me about the panties I said, "I'm a horrible mother and wife."

I meant it. I really felt that way. I saw the wrinkled mess and identified with every crease and crevice. This failure in successfully completing the task meant failure for me.

I began to realize that tasks done well in my life were indicators of how "well" I was. My worth was in the task.  This pattern had a deeper hold in all areas of my life.  A clean house (and laundry) meant "good wife", good grades from my students meant "good teacher," and well behaved kids meant, "good mom."

Looking at all the tasks I do throughout my day I noticed none of them were healthy goals nor were they realistic. In fact they aren't even "true."

Being a mom has transformed so much in my life. It was when I couldn't provide clean panties for my daughter that really put me over the edge. When my girls naturally misbehave i question my ability as their mom.  It has been heartbreaking for me to realize that I think being a "good" mom means my kids are always well-behaved, happy, and apparently have clean clothes.  In fact,  after conducting a very valid and accurate poll, (ok, I asked my Facebook friends) good parenting is so much more. None of the 14 people who responded mentioned behavior when asked, "what makes a good parent"? Most answers were ones like, someone who puts their children before themselves, patience, self-control, love, and the number one response......grace.

I'm sure if I conducted another very accurate and valid survey of my Facebook friends on what makes a "good teacher" or "employee" or "wife/husband," it wouldn't involve task oriented responses. In fact most of the responses given about what makes a good parent would also work for any of these other roles I play. Funny how grace can transcend all areas of my life.

I don't want my kids growing up defining themselves as failures over wrinkled laundry.  I want to have a day or even week old crevices in my imperfect being and wear it around, proud and accepting of it. I want my kids to misbehave because they should, and will. I want to laugh when we are underwear-less and feel good about the time well spent doing something else of value.  I don't want tasks like work, lists, or unrealistic expectations to create a perfectly manicured and steam-pressed soul. Because that just isn't how it is. I am wrinkled, I need to be fluffed multiple times. And if I'm shrinked, damaged and turned pink along the way, at least I will be softened.......and smell good.
Because the first and most important thing I want to teach my children is grace. Everyday I'm realizing that I can't teach them this unbelievable truth without living the truth myself.

So this year when the dishes pile up, the laundry mountain overflows, when my students fail tests, and I burn the perfect meal, when my two-year old throws herself on the ground of a grocery store, when my students walk in a noisy and crooked line......I will have grace. When I open the dryer door and see the load that's been there for who knows how long because I forgot or was too tired to fold..... I will have grace. Sure I will have grace for my students, kids and husband, but more importantly I will have grace for myself. For the silly and legit mistakes, for the little and big things, for the imperfections that are bound to happen.  I will strive to make the tasks that usually define me become just tasks. Whether they are complete, incomplete, done well or half-assed, I give myself grace. And when that happens, wrinkled laundry will be just that......wrinkled laundry.