Perfect Christian Syndrome

Currently I struggle.  I struggle with being a "good" Christian.  Although I think this has been an ongoing struggle, it has recently been evident after deciding to live an authentic life.....even with God. In the past I would do what I was taught, all the while checking God off my list of tasks.  Being on the "other side" of this I find I don't know what to "do" because I want it to be real, tangible, alive......I want to be in a relationship.....with the creator of the universe.

As I struggle, cry, and discuss this with God, He has revealed some of his simple truths through my children.

MarKay my 5 year old struggles staying still during our nighttime prayers.  She wiggles and laughs and sometimes interrupts as we are praying by her bedside.  Even after we've talked to her about being respectful, she still has a hard time.  When it's her turn to pray, her prayers are simple and sweet, cutting to the chase.

Piper on the other hand, my two-year old, sits and holds me during prayer time.  She is still and keeps her eyes closed the whole time.  When it's her turn to pray, she goes on and on for several minutes at a time.  She thanks God for every single thing and person she has seen that day.  Even down to the pets in her life.  We often have to say Amen for her because she will just keep going.

MarKay out of nowhere will ask if we can pray for someone who is sick or hurting.  She will talk about Jesus when something reminds her of Him.  She asks questions about Him and teaches me about Him unprompted.  She asks what the verse of the day is and  out of the blue connects nature to His mighty works.

Piper sings worship songs out of the blue and still asks me where baby Jesus is in front of our church since the nativity scene was taken down. She tells me about her papers from Sunday School and excitedly wakes up for church on Sunday.

As I look at my daughters' growing relationship with God  I ask, "which one is better?"  Is there one that is "better" at relating to God than the other?  My first response is, "of course not." Each child has the connection pieces they are passionate about, they are uniquely special in how God speaks to them.  If this is true for them, why is it that I have the "perfect Christian syndrome" in which all "good" Christians' walk should look the same?

I've also started looking at the relationship I have with each daughter.  Piper is snugly and comes up to me and cradles my face.  She sits on my lap when I'm on the couch and wants me to carry her everywhere.  But, I can"t keep her attention for more than 30 seconds.  Partly because she's two but also she is just wired differently. MarKay on the other hand, can talk to me for hours, making me laugh, and wants me to tell stories, sings songs, and read. She wants to cook, craft, and write together. She craves quality time, one on one intimate conversations.

Looking at this I realize, neither one of my daughters are "better" than the other.  They are free to be themselves with me.  I love their strengths and weaknesses, I see my own strengths and weaknesses in each of them.  I don't demand they be a better daughter for me, I love them for who they are.  If they come up to me to talk, or snuggle, I welcome it.  If they don't.....I accept it.  I don't want them to be the same.  Their differences inspire me. I don't want them to check me off their list, I want them to desire time together.  I know this relationship will change as they grow and develop because they too will change.  We will have great times of deep connection and times of brokenness and despair.

Yet I feel that I've been bound to be more than my natural self when it comes to my relationship with God.  I look at what others tell me my relationship should be and what I expect for it to be myself.  I've lived trying to measure up and be the "perfect" Christ follower.


I can't get over how painful it is for me to realize how my "good Cristian deeds" will never measure up. By that I mean, whether I spend 5 minutes or 3 hours with God....he will always be deserving of more. I mean he's God for goodness sake. I owe Him everything.  In fact, a lot of healthy relationships in my life deserve more.  My mom, husband, daughters,best friends, are all deserving of more of my time.  But when given the time I have, they don't criticize it, they appreciate it, revel in it.....adore it.  I don't find others telling me how those relationships should look, or how I'm "supposed" to relate to them.....it's our own special authentic connection.  I love that.

I'm just starting.....barely.....to embrace, accept, and enjoy the freedom I have in this kind of relationship with God.  I'm beginning to see that He uniquely made me to relate to Him in our own sweet way. Whether I snuggle up on his lap, lay helpless in the palm of His hand, struggle to sit still during prayer or lack keeping my attention for more than 30 seconds.....He adores every second of it.  I can desire to memorize the verse of the day, sing His praises, or admire His amazing creation and......He loves it.  I can throw a temper tantrum, not talk to Him for days, and disobey Him and He still loves me.  More importantly.....I love Him.  I love the real, sweet, and authentic whispers.  I love the deep, treacherous, dark altercations.  In the storm and in the calm I'm loving out relationship.....our growth.....our connections.  Slowly the chains of what I "should be" are falling off and I'm tasting the real, the true, and the raw. And I'm almost......almost..... OK with it.

Elephants III

Elephants III

This "elephants" series began at the first year anniversary of my sons death. I anxiously anticipated it with fear and trembling not knowing how I would handle re-living such a horrible time in my life. My counselor told me the story of elephants when I was speaking to her about my anxiety of this significant date. She told me elephants remember where their loved ones remains are and every year they go to the bones and cradle and caress them lovingly. It's as if they are remembering them with the sweetest of memories and all they meant to them. Never before did I think I could relate to the memory of an elephant. But on or around February 9th, I lovingly remember my boy.

This year I decided to finally read all the cards and letters I received from everyone. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love we felt during this time. Dearest of friends called me just to cry, my house filled with flowers, my mailbox full of cards, and my fridge full of meals.

But I just couldn't read a single thing. I may have read them but the words were not penetrating my soul. I was numb.

It has still been too painful to read them until this year.....four years later. I cried at every one, mostly for the memory but also because I would see the name of the person from who it was from and I still know most of you all. I was touched at your words and gifts of concern. I wanted to say thank you but realized it was four years ago.

So now I want to take the time to say "thank you" to those of you who sent gifts and wrote to me. Even though its four years later, I'm still forever grateful for your support. The number one response in every card was, "I don't know what to say." I am still grateful you chose to write even when you didn't know what to say.

And for those of you who didn't know me when it happened but know me now, I'm forever grateful for your support in reading "how I'm doing....really."  You take time out of your schedule to read about me and my journey and I'm so honored you would do that.   For those of you who tell me you're a fan and give me so much encouragement, I am forever grateful and just blessed by all of you.

The second emotion that has been resonating with me this year has developed more recently when we had to deal with the loss of our family cat of 11 years.

The worst part of his death has been the fact that my five year old daughter is having to grapple and deal with his loss.  Her insight in the issue has been simple and so healing for myself reflecting on this date.

It was pet week at her preschool and I knew she would feel the sting of only having one pet instead of two.  I had anxiety over her feelings and emotions......I didn't want her to feel sad.  But alas I know that she needs to feel all the hard emotions and learn to deal with them.

We printed out the picture of our dog and sent it with her holding our breath.  Sure enough she comes home talking about how she misses our cat Pepino and she wants to bring a picture of him to tell the students that he is with Jesus now.

My heart broke knowing she was sad, suffering in her own way.  And then she didn't bring it up again.  So maybe it was over.....until today.  Pet week was over and she brought Pepino up again,

"Mommy" she said, "I miss Pepino, can you print out a picture of him so I can see him?"

"Sure," I said. "Do you want to write him a letter? Maybe we can attach it to a balloon and send it to him."

"Mmmm, I don't think it will make it to heaven." she said.

"Well it doesn't matter because God can hear us without sending anything up in a balloon." I replied.

"Let's pray now, you pray mommy. Tell Jesus we miss Pepino."

"OK, (holding back tears) dear God, thank you for all the time we had with Pepino, we miss him but we know that you are taking care of him until we get to see him again.  Thank you, we love you, amen."

MarKay says, "Dear Lord, thank you for watching Pepino, we love him. And thank you for the one pet we do have.....Sierra.  We love you. Amen."

I cried as I drove home feeling the same about my son.  I miss him and look at his picture every year.  I know God is keeping him safe until I get to see him again and I am so forever grateful for what I do have.

I had MarKay. She kept me sane and alive during my most difficult days, I'd sit and watch her grow and love as I dealt with despair. And Piper......tears fall just thinking about how she wouldn't be here if Jerin had lived........I am so so so grateful for her.  She is a spark-plug that I can't imagine my life without.

I also can see how God, my father, has had to let me "deal" with this loss. How his heart must have been breaking and how he must have wanted to keep me away from pain and suffering too.  But he chose, as I did for MarKay, to allow me to feel and grow, all the while being there to help me along the way.

So this year Lord, I hold these "bones" lovingly and sweetly up to you. Continue to watch over my boy and teach me more about you through his loss.  I love you.

Lessons From A Two Bedroom Apartment

It will be one year since we lost our three-bedroom two-story house and moved our family west into a two-bedroom apartment.  I was afraid of this move.  I was used to the big backyard, the girls having their own rooms and  every corner of that place was furnished and perfected.  Jerry and I worked on re-modeling the house for a year. Sanding cabinets, laying wood laminate, and painting every wall filled our kid-less evenings in our early years of marriage.  It was just how I wanted it, my colors, my furniture, my everything. Kids came and filled the air with joy, toys, and diapers.  The wood floors came in very handy during the spills and potty training.  The backyard was a haven for bikes, roller skates, and cars.  Parties, jumpers, and many cozy get- togethers filled the space with laughter and joy.  I loved it.

But with all of the joys, it was also a burden. Financially the house started to wear heavy on our shoulders, bogging us down and keeping us awake at night.  As with many others, we were upside down and felt our spirits being crushed year after year.  Then we received the devastating news that my husband was "let go" at his job of 7 years.  Although this was something really difficult, it turned into little rays of hope.  We no longer had a choice,we MUST let our house go. We MUST make choices that will help us financially.  Then it was exciting........... we had no choice but to rely on the Lord.

We talked through dreams, we assessed our goals and we knew we needed to downsize, re-focus, and learn a few things.  As I packed up all of my possessions and sold items at an absurd price (from what I bought them at), I became bitter, almost challenging God thinking, "you better make this work, I'm really relying on you."

Everything was unknown, when we would move....where we would move.......there wasn't much we could say we knew. And boy looking back, I really didn't know what this last year was going to teach me.

Soon enough, the timing was defined, my husband found a job, we found an apartment, and February 14th was the day we could start moving in.  I was petrified.  How am I going to do this?  I was going to be a "commuter" to work, we were down a bedroom, no backyard, an outside dog would become an inside dog, and the list.... the fears, went on and on.

Looking back on the last year I wanted to share a few of the many lessons I have learned living in my two bedroom apartment.

We can see and hear the freeway from outside our building.
At first I thought this would be a draw-back.  But this has been a constant reminder that we gain and hour of time a night with my husband.  As I stare at the traffic I'm reminded about the many nights he was late and frustrated because he missed the girls' bedtime.  It is ironic that I whisper a prayer of praise whenever I see the daily 91 parking lot.

2) My closet is ridiculously small

I had my own closet that held all my winter and summer clothes.  Now I "share" a closet with Jerry.  This has taught me that I don't really need that many clothes.  And, I've learned that in some places of the world, the size of my current closet is the size of someone's  room.....so I'm grateful.

3) I can hear the upstairs neighbor

This seems self explanatory but there is some comfort in knowing someone is awake, close, and there.  I knew my neighbors schedule and we would often chat about the weather, the power outages, and just about anything that we could while passing each other by.  We built a community without even trying.

4) My girls had to share a room

This gave me a lot of Mommy guilt.  Mostly because I had a brother and didn't share a room ever.  But I really felt bad having to put them together.  But this has brought them to be so close.  Just the other night MarKay told me she woke up to Piper crying and she went to calm her down so she could go back to sleep.  It really melts my heart that we are forcing a bond that hopefully will never be broken.

5) No backyard

Another Mommy guilt scenario for the dog and my girls.  But it forces us to get out, go walking, riding bikes, riding skates, or go to the playground at the office.  My dog hasn't been walked so much in her life and my girls have loved every outing we take.

6) Just no space for anything

This has taught me to give more than I ever have.  Realizing my "things" are not my own, I have too many of them, and others are in need more than myself.  I have never given more away, not because I wasn't willing to, but because I didn't have to. Also, I am never too far away from any of my loved ones.  They are all an earshot away. Forced to give things away and forced to be closer together......it has been heaven.

In the end, all of these "truths" about my apartment have taught me, changed me, formed me.  I like who I am in this smaller, more humble state.  It feels simple, calm......right.  All my fears, my unknowns could not possibly prepare me for the joy of a possession-less year.  Never did I think I would be praising God for a job and house lost.  It's in those losses I have gained.  I gained a new perspective, new joys.....new life.  When "normal" becomes smaller all the while my heart grows bigger.  Where the future is endless and fear is no longer the first emotion I feel.  So, here's to another year of lessons from my two-bedroom apartment.