Perfect Christian Syndrome

Currently I struggle.  I struggle with being a "good" Christian.  Although I think this has been an ongoing struggle, it has recently been evident after deciding to live an authentic life.....even with God. In the past I would do what I was taught, all the while checking God off my list of tasks.  Being on the "other side" of this I find I don't know what to "do" because I want it to be real, tangible, alive......I want to be in a relationship.....with the creator of the universe.

As I struggle, cry, and discuss this with God, He has revealed some of his simple truths through my children.

MarKay my 5 year old struggles staying still during our nighttime prayers.  She wiggles and laughs and sometimes interrupts as we are praying by her bedside.  Even after we've talked to her about being respectful, she still has a hard time.  When it's her turn to pray, her prayers are simple and sweet, cutting to the chase.

Piper on the other hand, my two-year old, sits and holds me during prayer time.  She is still and keeps her eyes closed the whole time.  When it's her turn to pray, she goes on and on for several minutes at a time.  She thanks God for every single thing and person she has seen that day.  Even down to the pets in her life.  We often have to say Amen for her because she will just keep going.

MarKay out of nowhere will ask if we can pray for someone who is sick or hurting.  She will talk about Jesus when something reminds her of Him.  She asks questions about Him and teaches me about Him unprompted.  She asks what the verse of the day is and  out of the blue connects nature to His mighty works.

Piper sings worship songs out of the blue and still asks me where baby Jesus is in front of our church since the nativity scene was taken down. She tells me about her papers from Sunday School and excitedly wakes up for church on Sunday.

As I look at my daughters' growing relationship with God  I ask, "which one is better?"  Is there one that is "better" at relating to God than the other?  My first response is, "of course not." Each child has the connection pieces they are passionate about, they are uniquely special in how God speaks to them.  If this is true for them, why is it that I have the "perfect Christian syndrome" in which all "good" Christians' walk should look the same?

I've also started looking at the relationship I have with each daughter.  Piper is snugly and comes up to me and cradles my face.  She sits on my lap when I'm on the couch and wants me to carry her everywhere.  But, I can"t keep her attention for more than 30 seconds.  Partly because she's two but also she is just wired differently. MarKay on the other hand, can talk to me for hours, making me laugh, and wants me to tell stories, sings songs, and read. She wants to cook, craft, and write together. She craves quality time, one on one intimate conversations.

Looking at this I realize, neither one of my daughters are "better" than the other.  They are free to be themselves with me.  I love their strengths and weaknesses, I see my own strengths and weaknesses in each of them.  I don't demand they be a better daughter for me, I love them for who they are.  If they come up to me to talk, or snuggle, I welcome it.  If they don't.....I accept it.  I don't want them to be the same.  Their differences inspire me. I don't want them to check me off their list, I want them to desire time together.  I know this relationship will change as they grow and develop because they too will change.  We will have great times of deep connection and times of brokenness and despair.

Yet I feel that I've been bound to be more than my natural self when it comes to my relationship with God.  I look at what others tell me my relationship should be and what I expect for it to be myself.  I've lived trying to measure up and be the "perfect" Christ follower.


I can't get over how painful it is for me to realize how my "good Cristian deeds" will never measure up. By that I mean, whether I spend 5 minutes or 3 hours with God....he will always be deserving of more. I mean he's God for goodness sake. I owe Him everything.  In fact, a lot of healthy relationships in my life deserve more.  My mom, husband, daughters,best friends, are all deserving of more of my time.  But when given the time I have, they don't criticize it, they appreciate it, revel in it.....adore it.  I don't find others telling me how those relationships should look, or how I'm "supposed" to relate to them.....it's our own special authentic connection.  I love that.

I'm just starting.....barely.....to embrace, accept, and enjoy the freedom I have in this kind of relationship with God.  I'm beginning to see that He uniquely made me to relate to Him in our own sweet way. Whether I snuggle up on his lap, lay helpless in the palm of His hand, struggle to sit still during prayer or lack keeping my attention for more than 30 seconds.....He adores every second of it.  I can desire to memorize the verse of the day, sing His praises, or admire His amazing creation and......He loves it.  I can throw a temper tantrum, not talk to Him for days, and disobey Him and He still loves me.  More importantly.....I love Him.  I love the real, sweet, and authentic whispers.  I love the deep, treacherous, dark altercations.  In the storm and in the calm I'm loving out relationship.....our growth.....our connections.  Slowly the chains of what I "should be" are falling off and I'm tasting the real, the true, and the raw. And I'm almost......almost..... OK with it.