Pure Abandon

Pure Abandon

 I love this title. I want to be this title. My child Piper is this title. She is 2 years old in September and she embodies pure abandon. Not long ago she started running at full speed. I would watch her and wonder how the heck she was staying on her feet! She wobbles and meanders but never worries or fears what is going to happen. This girl has no fear of injury. I will surely be in the ER with her plenty of times in my life (fb updates will keep you posted). :)

Recently she fell at full-speed. She hit her head straight on the concrete. Bleeding, she got up with scrapes all over her face and cried for a bit. Fully expecting to go home, I was shocked that the girl wanted to keep going.....to the park. She wiped the blood from her nose and kept walking, clearly determined not to quit. Her destination was more important than her failure. I ADMIRE her perseverance and long to be more like this beautiful representation of abandon.

Have you ever felt abandon? The kind of abandon when you don't try, you don't manipulate, you don't have expectations and you don't have an agenda? That is what makes it pure....it just happens. I can recall moments of abandon. When I let go of all control and live completely in the moment. When I don't care what people think, what I'm wearing, or how dumb I look. When all the world is fading away and I am soaring. I picture it as skydiving......jump out and soar with no care in the world. But do we live this way? Do we take each moment and abandon ourself to it? I know I don't.

 I see my daughter live this everyday. She has no fear of previous circumstances, she throws herself into the moment, and is ok with failing, she will pick herself up and KEEP GOING. She may have not reached her destination but she will die trying. She will shed some tears, wipe off the blood and continue without fear.

I recently had a first-impression moment. I just couldn't wait to get it over with. I seriously thought to myself, "once this is over, a weight will be lifted off of me." Have you ever felt that way? Maybe a presentation or job interview or just a tough week ahead. As the dreaded moment is coming closer I remembered "pure abandon." What if I went INTO this situation with pure abandon instead of feeling weightless AFTER it was over? What if I was completely throwing myself into authenticity? What if I REALLY believed God and His will for my life? It would be then and only then.....I would take that petrifying leap.

But why, why don't I just jump? Because....... I don't want to jack up my face. I'm afraid of the fall, the blood, the tears. I don't want to fail. Joy for me is still not in the process but in after reaching the final destination. My destination determines my mood. If I fall.....I fail.

Piper has taught me that falling is apart of the journey. She shows me courage and heart. She lives fully as a child of God and embraces failure. Sadly I know this too will fade for her. She will see the scrapes in her reflection and feel ashamed. We as parents and educators will tell her to confine her abandon. But I pray she can harness this ability to live freely, without fear. I am blessed to witness it and desire to have a few cuts and bruises myself. And although I am the WORST example of authenticity, I strive to live it....to fall....to fail....to bleed.

Never Good Enough

Lately my mind has been exploding with just great stuff. My therapist told me about this researcher who is seriously amazing. She researches shame, vulnerability, and authenticity. After reading several articles from her and watching her speak I just felt like I didn't need to blog anymore. Her research captures the very essence and passion that I have been writing about but of course in a much more organized fashion!

 After being motivated and fueled by her findings, I couldn't wrap my head around just one topic to tell you about. So many solid truths and great research, my mind was reeling. Then it came to me......in fact I thought I had blogged about this experience before only to find that I had failed to be truly authentic in this.

The image is still in my head as well as the feeling I had in my gut. My church was doing a "labels" series in which we were talking about how we label ourselves with lies. The labels we give ourselves are shameful and stay in darkness where they fester and live very comfortably. My blog on "rats" was birthed from this experience. After hearing that our labels take over our lives and we live by them, we were encouraged to wear a bracelet for the week. On the bracelet we wrote down our label was so that it was out of darkness and could hold no more shame. I immediately knew what mine was.... "not good enough."

As I wrote it on my bracelet I thought, "this is going to suck." It was crazy how wearing my label was a physical representation of how I emotionally carry this burden. I found myself turning my bracelet around, trying to cover it up. When asked about it I thought, "Maybe I will just tell them it's the name of a band or something." I was embarrassed to talk about it and felt painfully vulnerable when it came up. I wanted it to go away, to hide it, to lie about it.

 Months later I'm realizing that I hide this shame in so many different ways. I say things to myself like, "I need to be tanner, thinner, more in shape. My teeth need to be whiter, my students higher and my own children well-behaved. My house and classroom need to look perfect as well as I. Everyone in my family needs to be happy because that is my job. I need to make more money, work harder, be better.". Then it hits me that the standard I have for myself is just another way to not deal with the shame. Brene Brown (the amazing researcher) says that we eat, drink, spend, and work ourselves out of dealing with our shame. Soo true!

Perhaps the most encouraging aspect of her research is I am not alone in feeling this way. Browns research found that only 15 to 20 percent of us are "whole-hearted" or those who feel worthy of belonging. That's a small percentage people.

 A week later I was able to cut off the "label." I wish that cutting it off meant I never felt it again but the truth is, I've only just discovered it and started dealing with it. I have a lot of years to undo. (just re-read the first paragraph of this post to verify that I feel "not good enough" to keep blogging).

 Make no mistake, this blog was purposely not created months ago because of the shame I felt in it. But now that I know 80 percent of you are with me on this....it helps :). My hope is that you might start to identify why you drink, eat, spend and work your way out of shame. It's not easy, or fun, but I can't wait to live life "whole-hearted."