Perhaps the most frustrating aspect in writing a blog (I think of course) is having too many ideas. I have so much stuff going on in my head it can be really frustrating for me to have it all come together into one thought.
So, I present to you......the onion. My counselor told me that I was like an onion. Many, many layers. Thats all she said. But I'm beginning to understand.......with an onion, You can peel back one layer only to discover there is another one. Continue to do so and it will take a long time to get to the core. Her point was that everything we deal with is connected to the core of who we are. Our lives are spent creating layers upon layers of protection over our true self. We can't dare reveal this delicate/vulnerable core to anyone so we find ways to cover it. These ways that are socially accepted by all. Some of us deny ourselves therefore put on masks and try to convey what we "think" we should be. We say and do things that make sense in our circumstance, we rationalize the truth to each event that happens in our lives. We turn to things like: eating, not eating, drinking, health, drugs, caffeine, reality t.v, video games, movies, books, education, and even can use religion to justify, cover up our true selves. Layers.....layers.
The funny thing about this analogy is that she didn't choose another vegetable with layers. Why not a brussel sprout, or a head of lettuce? Being on this journey I believe it is because onions make you cry. You cannot escape the wrath of an onion. As soon as you really dig into it, your senses take over and you cry. It's painful sorting through every layer. Just when you think you've arrived, you realized you just peeled back the top layer. All these ideas and little nuances that form in my head are the layers of my onion connecting to the core. I wish I could tell you what my core is but I haven't arrived. I know that I'm crying along the way as I discover another false-truth layer I have built upon myself. Each layer reveals a little more of me. The tears are vulnerable and the process long but I'm willing to keep peeling.
I think I'm realizing that losing my son was not the cause of all the beliefs I had with God and the world...... he was the first layer of my onion and the reason I decided to get to the core.
