I start by saying that this list has been created through my own life experiences. After losing my son, I had to process through the many pieces of "wisdom and advice" I received. In fact it has taken me four years to sort through what I can deem as "unhelpful." The hardest part about doing this is knowing where these comments come from and why people are saying them. I'm grateful that time and my growth on this journey has revealed to me what to accept and what to reject. This is a record (in no particular order) of my own experiences and opinions through these last four years. What not to say........
How are you doing?
It isn't the question that is the problem.....it's the reaction to my answer. After deciding to be authentic I knew I was rough around the edges. I was honest and raw,sometimes too much. But it was the truth and it was hard to handle for others. Pain is very hard and awkward for someone else to process so the best advice I can give about this one is this: if you're going to ask it, be OK with the answer. Be OK with the real, raw and harsh......it's where we're at.
Time heals all wounds
This one has been hard for me. Although I want to get through this hell as quickly as possible.....I never want to forget my son. Losing a loved one is so heartbreaking, I never want time to somehow distance me from my son. I never want to forget or cover up what he has meant to me,even the pain.
Everything happens for a reason
This is what I call "the circle of life" piece of wisdom. You know, nature has a way of working things out. Life and death is a part of the circle......you just have to accept it.
I know how you feel......
Here is where people tried to tell me they understand what I was going through because of something they or someone they knew experienced. I appreciated the effort in trying to relate but 9 out of 10 times they had no idea how I felt because they didn't go through exactly what I did. I heard countless miscarriage stories and I hated comparing situations but......I did. For me it just created comparisons and it minimized my hurt, pain and suffering.
Say nothing
This one is the worst! I realize no one wants to be the reason behind a mental breakdown but I experienced this one the most. Ignoring the elephant in the room can't be comfortable for anyone.
God is testing you or teaching you a lesson
This one is tough. First it implies that I have done something wrong or not "listened" to God so he must do something to get my attention or "teach" me a lesson I couldn't have learned any other way. For four years this is the single issue and question I have wrestled over. Although I can write a whole other article on my thoughts about this.....I do believe this is no one's business whether it true or not.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle
This truth is often used to gain strength, but it became a source of weakness for me. As I struggled to get out of bed and disengaged myself from any meaningful activities, I thought," you should be able to handle this.....remember God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I started to feel weak....weak physically and in Spirit. I wanted to conquer this, I wanted to be better than I was. This "truth" just continually reminded me of that.
Gods timing is perfect
One day you will be able to help others
I lumped these two together because I feel this falls under the "even if it's true.....now's not the time" category. There are some things I will never understand....Gods timing being one of them. When I sat angry, devastated, and confused, I did not think I was going to be helpful to anyone......ever. Hindsight is 20/20 of course.....I see glimpses of this four years later but this still makes the list.
Sharing a verse
I believe scripture is powerful. It is a life-breathing document that God uses to speak to His children. I was given so many verses during this time. I really, really wanted them to be mood altering.....to give me a perspective beyond my pain.....but they fell flat on the pages. These words were pouring over deaf ears and a hardened heart. I believe these verses spoke to the person who them in my card, my face came to their mind when they read it. I am forever grateful for that. After experiencing this myself, when I read a verse and a face comes to mind, I pray the verse over that person. I know that the words I send them may fall flat but God is the only one who can breathe hope.....life back into the broken.
I realize the next question that comes to mind is, "What is helpful?" Again this is another personal opinion but for me it was two things: prayer and talking. I treasured people praying for me......I needed someone praying on my behalf because a lot of times I wasn't. When in doubt, tell someone you are praying, it covers them like a warm blanket whether or not they feel it. And talking......asking details, wanting to hear my heart, and supporting me in the darkness was the most important thing anyone could do for me. It is in those moments I was asked, "how are you doing.....really." Those people offered me grace and love in the darkest of my days. I will never forget their willingness to be vulnerable and authentic with me. It inspired me to live life differently, to look at God deeply, and to love others more fully.
