Why start now?

So now that you all have the history (if not, read "The Beginning"), I wanted to give you a little insight into 'why' I decided to write a blog.
First of all, shouldn't we all have a blog about how we are doing....really? I don't think we are ever really honest about it!
On our trip to Montana, Jer was playing a gig there and we got to take the family. Many people asked if MarKay was our only child, or if we were planning on having more children. Jer and I decided that we wanted to include our baby boy into our family and felt that we should honor his life with him being apart of us, because we will never forget him or ever disregard him. Well, in telling complete strangers about our loss, it occurred to me that some of the information I was sharing, many of my closest friends did not know nor ask of me. I felt that it wasn't right that you all wouldn't know the good, bad and ugly but complete strangers were getting that piece of me. So there you have it.....
Now the big question....Are we going to try again? Do we want another child? This is a complicated question. Our plan was to always have two children.....and we have. We in no way feel "ready" or "healed." My hesitation is in dealing with the pain and not trying to cover it up with another child. I want to make sure if we bring another child in this world, it is in a healthy manner....as healthy as possible of course. I know that I won't be healed in time.....I think there will always be a hole in my heart for my son. So the bottom line is that we are still praying about the child situation. Not sure if I have an answer to that. But if/when it does happen, I will need so many prayers......fear fills my body just thinking about it.
God and I have a long way to go too.....If you are experiencing darkness and having a hard time with your relationship with God, I recommend "Streams In The Dessert." It was been so great for me (Thank you Chrissy). I find myself really enjoying the content and not scoffing at it as I feel I have for awhile. I'm learning that it is ok to be mad at God, something I can say I've never allowed myself to be. It sucks. Hope that ends soon.
Well, that's it for now.