The Beginning

As I wrote that title, I felt that it is kind of ironic that I call it the 'Beginning' when it really is the end of a life. For those of you that don't know, Jerry and I lost our son on February 9, 2009. I was five and a half months pregnant. Here is the story:

Jerry and I didn't find out we were pregnant until I was already 17 weeks along. It was quite the surprise and we were very nervous about having a second child so soon. Jer and I decided to find out what we were having, we found out on New Years Eve that we were having a boy. Excitement started stirring as we imagined the life we would have with our new addition.
My appointments were monthly so I didn't see the doctor for another four weeks after the ultra-sound. Everything was showing great signs of growth and development.
As the doctor came in, I was telling her how we didn't know I was pregnant for so long and we couldn't believe it. She continued to examine me and was looking for his heartbeat. She couldn't find it but said there was nothing to worry about and she would order an ultra-sound to double check.
The hours after that were excruciating and full of pleading prayers. The next day I went to have an ultrasound in which the technician could not reveal any information. I had the ultrasound at about 1pm and didn't have a phone call until 4pm that evening. My doctor called and gave me the devastating news that our son did not have a heartbeat and was no longer with us. She also informed us that it looked as if he hadn't lived past 17 weeks which meant that he was gone for over a month inside of me.
Sadness immediately took over and I fell to the ground. The next question was, "What next?" She then informed me that I would have to deliver my dead son. Fear immediately filled me. I didn't know what that meant or how I would feel emotionally or physically. Not only that but I would have to wait two days to go to the delivery room.
Many tears and sorrow followed those two days. Many questions and the desire to "get it over with" filled my soul. I couldn't be alone because of the fear. I didn't sleep much and I started to wonder 'why.'
It was such an amazing beautiful day on my way to deliver my son. I couldn't believe how blue the sky was and how sparkling the sun was on that day. I was mad, I wanted it to be stormy, thundering, ugly, because that is how I felt.
It was so wrong to be in a hallway of the hospital that was delivering beginnings. Yet I was there to deliver an end to something. An end to a life, a dream, a hope. Happiness buzzed in that place. It was so ironic that I had been there delivering life a year ago and now I was delivering death.
I started on the pain and inducing medication at 6pm on February 8th. The nurses let me know that I could have an epidural at any point. I was measuring my pain based on having my daughter a year earlier. I was hoping this would be as fast as possible. As six hours went by, I realized that this would not be as fast as we all had hoped. My mom, Jer and even my dad were sleeping with me through the night. Pain increased as my water broke at four in the morning. I was thinking that it would be another six hours after my water broke before he would come, but it was two hours later when I felt the need for the epidural. The order was put in. As the anaesthesiologist was proceeding with the epidural, I knew that he was coming. Unsure of what to do, the anaesthesiologist, continued with the procedure and our son was born in the middle of the procedure.
We got to see him and hold him. He was so tiny and I already could tell that he was going to look like Jerry. It was such a great moment to meet him, even though he wasn't there.

I was so grateful that it was 'over.' Little did I know that this was 'The Beginning.' The beginning of something. Something horrible, painful, and graceful. Something bigger than myself.......