I saw a rainbow the other day and started crying. I wasn't sure why but then it dawned on me. As I was looking at something so beautiful, the background to the beauty was black with threatening clouds. It is amazing to me that in the ugly, the scary, the heavy and dark; a rainbow is there. That is how I feel. Beauty is in the midst of chaos, fear, destruction, and desolation. Blessings are in this life. The glimmers of hope and of God are there in and among the trials.
I found out some disturbing news about my counselor this last week. In a previous post I mentioned that my counselor that I have been seeing was on maternity leave. She sent us a letter stating that she did have a baby girl in August but she was stillborn. I was in shock and disbelief. This can't possibly happen. I mourned for her, for us; for everyone who has ever had this happen. She also let us know that she could no longer counsel us because of the circumstance. This just pissed me off. I completely understand why, but now I've lost my counselor to this as well. I considered her my friend and my confidant. And now we grieve together...separately. The worst event in both of our lives will keep us from getting together.
On a selfish note, I don't even want to think about finding another counselor. I can't believe this is now a bump in the road. And by the way, does this happen to everyone now!? It freaks me out to think about it.
But yes there are the rainbows. The fact that I have a beautiful rainbow everyday in my daughter, my husband, and many other loved ones. The fact that I can walk, breathe, and live how I choose. I have many things that others don't and I am grateful. Although I have many blessings, I still need help. Help to sort these things out, help to discover God and His ways, and help to find myself among the questions. Help is Wanted.
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