Out of control

Most of you know this and in case you don't...... we don't have control. I don't usually consider myself a control freak. Perhaps it's because I've lived with this urge to control for as long as I can remember. So this "freak" in me is my "normal."

Crazy torrents of rain fell from the sky with such force, it made me shiver. I couldn't sleep. My fear was that Jerry was going to get in the car in a matter of hours and get on the road. I just knew I would never see him again. I felt panicked and had visions of horrific accidents in my head in which Jer would be apart of. I actually asked him not to go, my fear had officially taken over. I couldn't control the rain, or the other drivers, or the slippery roads. I was "out of control," literally and figuratively.

So as he walked out the door, I prayed. I prayed for God to protect him, I prayed for peace, I prayed and prayed. Then I realized that I also prayed for my baby two years ago to be ok, I prayed that he was alive and I other for peace of mind.

I can't control what happens in my life, but God can. why had He chosen to let my son go but he spared Jerry in a horrific storm? I don't know.....that's the problem.

Some people say, "let go and let God.". Well sometimes I really do let go and let God but it doesn't turn out the way I want. Sometimes it is painful and cruel. I have no idea when those things will happen or why. So, I'm in limbo. If I can't control what happens in life, can I ever find peace?

Here is where I should have more faith. I know, I just wish it was true. I don't know when God decides to let this life happen and when He will protect me from it. It is the first time I can put words to this out of control feeling.

I wonder if I will feel the freedom of not being in control one day. For now it is uncomfortable and awkward. I don't like it. The reason is I have fooled myself into thinking that I have control. That can show God how "good" or how much I "do" that he will protect me from anything. Allowing my son to die at five months pregnant completely rocked this faulty foundation. I realize now that building my life on this wrong foundation has shaped my relationship with God. I feel like I'm starting over, trying to figure it out.

I know I promised authenticity, to you and myself. I fear what you may think of me but also feel cleansed, so to speak, because this is the real me. The things you don't bring up at a dinner party....or ever for that matter.

The other night I told Jerry that I am broken. This mess is ugly. Thanks to you who love me despite of my mess and I guarantee that am not alone... for that, I am grateful.

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The fish

The fish was dead. I mean really dead, so dead that it sunk to the bottom of the bowl. I was in charge of it....cleaning the bowl and feeding it. I cleaned it's bowl right before Piper was born. I knew I wouldn't get to it for awhile. The fish was swimming in about four inches of dirty water. When I brought down the bowl to finally clean it, I realized it was gone. Then...I cried. Ok bawled.

The fish was almost three years old. It was there for MarKays birth, the loss of our son and now Pipers birth. Even though the fish was apart of our family, that is not why I was crying. I was crying because I thought I killed it. I hadn't cleaned the water in so long, it was my fault. If only I had gotten to it earlier, I'm sure it would still be alive today.

After our loss I knew I couldn't handle death on any level. I even remember being sad when the flowers people gave us in condolence died. My cat of twelve years died shortly after our loss and I know I still haven't dealt with it out of protection. I haven't ordered a rose bush that I was given at the time of our loss because I knew I couldn't handle it if I killed it.

In my head it doesn't make sense, the fish was three years old for goodness sake! It was obvious that my heart didn't feel the same. The fish represents so much in my life. It became an obsession, something I could feel good about.....I kept that fish alive. Somehow I think I have control, that I can stop the inevitable. And...that I'm somehow responsible for the events in my life. When something goes wrong or tragic, I wonder what I did to create that situation.

What is the truth? Easy....I have no control, nothing I did or do creates tragedy. I could have prayed everyday that the fish would not die, but it was inevitable, something I could not control. So how do I let myself off the hook, give myself a break, let go of the world? I really don't know. I think I've been doing it for quite some time. I know I have said this before, the truths in my head need to reach my heart.


Still a work in progress.....


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Now that I have a baby.....

Well just as I thought, having a baby is the greatest miracle on this earth. I was completely relieved when I got to hold my beautiful daughter with no complications. I feared the baby's loss all the way till the end. But God blessed us with Piper Jeryn Motto. She is a precious angel.

Funny enough, even though I got this amazing gift, it still didn't cover up the loss that we have experienced. Most want to know how we are doing with the fact that we have a girl and not a boy. Well, I was so happy when they said, "It's a Girl!" I think making it a surprise really made it not matter. After all the labor (and false labor), I was so relieved to have it over with! Jer and I often talk about the fact that having a girl makes us miss our son that much more. I don't think of Piper being a boy, I think of what life would have been like if Jerin had lived. But....if Jerin did live, we wouldn't have Piper. That is a weird thought! I would never want to live life without Piper. Selfishly I did think that God owes me. Yeah sometimes I would think He owes me a boy. Then He would owe me a easy labor, or one without being induced. But really, I am owed nothing. In the end I did 'expect' Him to come through with a healthy baby. He did come through with that! Thank you God.

I believe that God certainly designed it this way. We were absolutely meant to have a girl. We aren't planning on having anymore kids, I have been pregnant and delivered every year for the last three years. We also aren't guaranteed a boy and I don't think I can do three girls! Lol!
I also don't want to replace or try and fulfill a hole that will never be filled. I'm ok with that.

As far as the fear goes, well it still transfers over to other areas. It hasn't gone away. I fear Piper will die in the night or that MarKay will catch some horrible disease.....it's just a mom thing and a faith thing.

The birth of my daughter is not the 'end' of the journey that I am on, but it is an amazing high and blessing that I am so grateful for along the way. I imagine a journey with many mountains and valleys. The funny thing about a mountain is that you have to climb it to get to the top. That isn't always easy but certainly always rewarding. The valley is a downhill road and very easy to find ourselves in. But we are the only ones who can climb out of the valley. I always thought I would never find myself in the valley if I was a really good Christian. This is the biggest lie I believed. We will all find ourselves in the valley no matter what. I also felt that it was wrong to be mad at God, another lie that I am just now embracing. I have spent so much time trying to fix my grief and anger. I thought that reading the Bible or praying harder would cure it. But my heart wasn't right, my mind was full of anger and bitterness. One of the biggest breakthroughs I have had with my relationship with God is that it is ok to be mad. I haven't had a "quiet time" in I don't know how long, but I'm ok with that. You know what.....God is ok with it too. Authentic, authentic, authentic.....that is what I want to be. God knows when I'm not being authentic so why try to hide it? When I am ready to spend time again with God, it will be for real.

Many of you have traveled this road with us, whether it is secretly following my blog and saying a prayer that I will never know about; or crying along with me every step of the way. Either way, I thank you for your support and prayers. Please continue to say those silent or screaming prayers for us. I believe we are meant to live life together. I hope that I am a better friend and family member after this journey. I want to be with you through this thing called life. Thank you God for helping me do that. I love you all....

New Chapter

I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated you all. As weird as it seems, I think I have been in protection mode. Even though I am about three weeks away from delivering, I am still trying not to get my hopes up.
When trusting God is really hard to do, it makes me keep some of the most joyous things at arms length. The funny part is, no matter how much I "protect" myself.....it wouldn't keep me from experiencing the horror of tragedy.
I also realize that even when everything is "ok," it won't take away the true issues that I have. Uncovering my "real" relationship with God has been so huge and will take a very long time to sort through.
Here I am so grateful at the possibility of this new chapter. At the same time, I am looking around every corner and waiting for the next tragedy. It is even more frustrating when my whole life I have learned so much about God but haven't believed it. It is so crazy! I can verbally tell you so much about God and how much He loves me and you, how merciful He is and all He has done for me. I can recite the verses and tell you that He protects those who loves Him (and many who don't), and even why things happen to good people. I can reason that He protected me even in taking the life of our son. Yet I have so much fear and so little faith.
The bottom line is that I "know" the truth but I don't "feel" or "live" the truth. I have never had the freedom of Christ.
So this journey continues. With all the ups and downs I am learning. I am determined not to tell people all the knowledge of Christ or even pretend that I am some super Christian who feels no pain because God is so good. I am fine with searching for the freedom that I know God wants me to have. God doesn't want me to have a fake relationship with Him, just like we don't want that for ourselves.
The key is progress. Over the last year and a half I have gone through the valley. But even in that..... I am growing, learning and focused on embracing a true and authentic relationship with God.
Thank you again for supporting us and following us along this journey. Even if I'm still exploring prayer and all it really means, I appreciate all your prayers for us! We are praying as well as we look forward to this new chapter in our lives.
Blessings to you all!

Now that I'm pregnant.....

It has been a long time since I have updated how I am doing. I have done this on purpose. I feel that any given day I would have produced some neurotic post from one day to the next.

I am half way through (20 weeks) my pregnancy. My feelings can be summed up as follows:
ecstatic, frightened, humble, powerless, excited, uneasy, worried, overjoyed, and doubtful. I could go on but it has continued to be quite a roller coaster.

I was (or thought I was) 21 weeks when I lost our son so approaching that has been very frightening. As I get closer to that, I'm torn with the fact that this pregnancy is in the shadow of our loss. I really want to enjoy, be elated and savor this 40 weeks but I can't help my feelings.

It is hard when someone asks if this is my second child. Technically no. But every time I explain this to some sweet person, I feel bad for them that they asked. They always feel so bad when I tell them we had and lost a son. I know that no one needs to really know that information, but he is a part of my family. So I'm still not completely comfortable with that one.

We've decided not to find out what we are having. I remember the feeling when the doctor said MarKay was a girl....I had no problems with that! Everyone including myself thought she was a boy and I was really excited about having a boy first. But I remember not caring one bit when it was announced she had arrived safe and sound. So....we want to have that same feeling this time around. We know that if God chooses to give us a healthy baby....we are blessed either way.

Some things I have enjoyed.....feeling the baby move. Ok so this part is really great, but even in this I can freak out! This baby is not a morning baby so movement doesn't happen for quite a while! Nonetheless I am so grateful for these little reminders that all is well.

My relationship with God remains the same. I'm here, He's there and I am still learning about what that means. Now I know that my prayers are not requests for things to go my way. But...I'm not sure what they should be and how I truly want to pray. Do I trust and have faith that God will take care of me? I go back and forth. For this pessimist, no not really. I do talk myself out of that quite often. I've said before that God protected me somehow someway even in our loss. It is hard to believe that with my heart.

I'm still committed to being real. Loss is very hard, it brings out the rawness and vulnerable part of a person. I am grateful for this growth and resentful at the same time. I definitely see the world in a different light....try and filter through what is REALLY important and hold on dearly to the relationships that go "there" with me.

So there you have it....that's how I'm doing, "really".......today anyway.

A Year Has Passed.....

A year ago on February 9th 2009 we gave birth to our deceased son.

I can't believe it has been a year already and yet it has seemed like forever.

I have been dreading this date for quite some time. The memories are excruciating.

I am determined to keep you up with "How I am Doing." I don't quite know. I did lose it when St. Joseph Hospital sent a card to us letting us know they are praying for us at this time. I opened it and saw the writing and just lost it. I think it hit me harder than ever that I will always have a void in my heart for that little boy. That healing will never take away the sorrow on some level. It was a hard reality that this wound when it does heal will have a very nasty scar.

The biggest hurdle or wall that I have hit this last year is redefining my relationship with God. There are so many questions and things I do and do not understand. I don't feel that I am fully through the answers to this and another reality is....I don't think I ever will be.

But there are things I have learned. I have learned that tragedy is the defining moment of change. I have changed, my marriage, my parenting and my outlook on life has changed. I knew that I could make a change for the better or worse...it still is a change. I chose to take the hard road and learn from this. More than anything I have decided to be authentic. Authentic in every relationship I have and most importantly with my relationship with God. It is a long road. I have not arrived but am learning every second.

Perhaps the most freeing aspect of this whole thing is that even though I was "raised" with my "religion.".....I was forced through this process to choose my faith. I questioned all along the way why I 'sacrificed' for my faith. Why God didn't spare me this hurt and pain. I wondered what I have done wrong for Him to put this upon me. The truth is.....the world is cruel. My circumstances are not indicative of how 'good' or 'bad' I am. Reality is tragedy will happen to all of us. If you are reading this and it hasn't hit you yet....it will. I can honestly say that just like any relationship, I have had it out with God. I don't have a 'religion', I have a relationship. So why have I stuck this out? Because I have hope. I now know that my circumstances are going to suck sometimes and if I don't have God, I have nothing. Everything good in my life has come from Him. I am so grateful for all of the blessings I have. I know that I can blame Him for my suffering and even question why I follow Him and He still stands with me, next to me, and holds me up. I can't imagine what my life would have looked like this last year without Him.

So if you don't know where you are at in this 'relationship,' I encourage you to think about it. Life will hit......do you want hope?

Thank you so much for all of your support/prayers/love throughout this year.....you are one of Gods blessings to me and my family......

Walking on the Wall

It has taken me awhile to really let my daughter play by herself in the backyard. I decided that it was time for me to let her feel a bit more independent and now I just yell at her asking her if she is ok every two minutes or so.

Today as we played out front, she wanted to climb "the wall." No problem I thought as I held her hand. But now she is two and her favorite phrase is "NO, I do it!" This poses a problem for the loving parent because I imagine her falling and cracking her head open. But after assessing the height of the wall, I realized that she wouldn't fall dangerously far and it would be on grass. Plus she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. So if she fell.... that would be her lesson. The fall would inevitably hurt and she would cry but it was her choice to not take my hand.

As I watched her in the backyard, she started climbing on our planters and jumping off of them to the grass. I started to go out to hold her hand through the whole thing but realized she wouldn't let me even if I tried. It is a harsh reality that your child doesn't want your help. When they want to experience the falls without you protecting them. I was lucky that she didn't fall but I better be prepared for it.

It reminds me of how God must feel about me. Looking at me through the window, giving me independence and knowing the fall is coming. Yet anytime I need help, I can reach out and His hand is there. Just like mine is for MarKay.

So as today is MarKay's birthday, the gift she showed me is mine. Thanks MarKay........and ultimately God for the lesson.