Out of control

Most of you know this and in case you don't...... we don't have control. I don't usually consider myself a control freak. Perhaps it's because I've lived with this urge to control for as long as I can remember. So this "freak" in me is my "normal."

Crazy torrents of rain fell from the sky with such force, it made me shiver. I couldn't sleep. My fear was that Jerry was going to get in the car in a matter of hours and get on the road. I just knew I would never see him again. I felt panicked and had visions of horrific accidents in my head in which Jer would be apart of. I actually asked him not to go, my fear had officially taken over. I couldn't control the rain, or the other drivers, or the slippery roads. I was "out of control," literally and figuratively.

So as he walked out the door, I prayed. I prayed for God to protect him, I prayed for peace, I prayed and prayed. Then I realized that I also prayed for my baby two years ago to be ok, I prayed that he was alive and I other for peace of mind.

I can't control what happens in my life, but God can. why had He chosen to let my son go but he spared Jerry in a horrific storm? I don't know.....that's the problem.

Some people say, "let go and let God.". Well sometimes I really do let go and let God but it doesn't turn out the way I want. Sometimes it is painful and cruel. I have no idea when those things will happen or why. So, I'm in limbo. If I can't control what happens in life, can I ever find peace?

Here is where I should have more faith. I know, I just wish it was true. I don't know when God decides to let this life happen and when He will protect me from it. It is the first time I can put words to this out of control feeling.

I wonder if I will feel the freedom of not being in control one day. For now it is uncomfortable and awkward. I don't like it. The reason is I have fooled myself into thinking that I have control. That can show God how "good" or how much I "do" that he will protect me from anything. Allowing my son to die at five months pregnant completely rocked this faulty foundation. I realize now that building my life on this wrong foundation has shaped my relationship with God. I feel like I'm starting over, trying to figure it out.

I know I promised authenticity, to you and myself. I fear what you may think of me but also feel cleansed, so to speak, because this is the real me. The things you don't bring up at a dinner party....or ever for that matter.

The other night I told Jerry that I am broken. This mess is ugly. Thanks to you who love me despite of my mess and I guarantee that am not alone... for that, I am grateful.

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