The fish

The fish was dead. I mean really dead, so dead that it sunk to the bottom of the bowl. I was in charge of it....cleaning the bowl and feeding it. I cleaned it's bowl right before Piper was born. I knew I wouldn't get to it for awhile. The fish was swimming in about four inches of dirty water. When I brought down the bowl to finally clean it, I realized it was gone. Then...I cried. Ok bawled.

The fish was almost three years old. It was there for MarKays birth, the loss of our son and now Pipers birth. Even though the fish was apart of our family, that is not why I was crying. I was crying because I thought I killed it. I hadn't cleaned the water in so long, it was my fault. If only I had gotten to it earlier, I'm sure it would still be alive today.

After our loss I knew I couldn't handle death on any level. I even remember being sad when the flowers people gave us in condolence died. My cat of twelve years died shortly after our loss and I know I still haven't dealt with it out of protection. I haven't ordered a rose bush that I was given at the time of our loss because I knew I couldn't handle it if I killed it.

In my head it doesn't make sense, the fish was three years old for goodness sake! It was obvious that my heart didn't feel the same. The fish represents so much in my life. It became an obsession, something I could feel good about.....I kept that fish alive. Somehow I think I have control, that I can stop the inevitable. And...that I'm somehow responsible for the events in my life. When something goes wrong or tragic, I wonder what I did to create that situation.

What is the truth? Easy....I have no control, nothing I did or do creates tragedy. I could have prayed everyday that the fish would not die, but it was inevitable, something I could not control. So how do I let myself off the hook, give myself a break, let go of the world? I really don't know. I think I've been doing it for quite some time. I know I have said this before, the truths in my head need to reach my heart.


Still a work in progress.....


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