Now that I have a baby.....

Well just as I thought, having a baby is the greatest miracle on this earth. I was completely relieved when I got to hold my beautiful daughter with no complications. I feared the baby's loss all the way till the end. But God blessed us with Piper Jeryn Motto. She is a precious angel.

Funny enough, even though I got this amazing gift, it still didn't cover up the loss that we have experienced. Most want to know how we are doing with the fact that we have a girl and not a boy. Well, I was so happy when they said, "It's a Girl!" I think making it a surprise really made it not matter. After all the labor (and false labor), I was so relieved to have it over with! Jer and I often talk about the fact that having a girl makes us miss our son that much more. I don't think of Piper being a boy, I think of what life would have been like if Jerin had lived. But....if Jerin did live, we wouldn't have Piper. That is a weird thought! I would never want to live life without Piper. Selfishly I did think that God owes me. Yeah sometimes I would think He owes me a boy. Then He would owe me a easy labor, or one without being induced. But really, I am owed nothing. In the end I did 'expect' Him to come through with a healthy baby. He did come through with that! Thank you God.

I believe that God certainly designed it this way. We were absolutely meant to have a girl. We aren't planning on having anymore kids, I have been pregnant and delivered every year for the last three years. We also aren't guaranteed a boy and I don't think I can do three girls! Lol!
I also don't want to replace or try and fulfill a hole that will never be filled. I'm ok with that.

As far as the fear goes, well it still transfers over to other areas. It hasn't gone away. I fear Piper will die in the night or that MarKay will catch some horrible disease.....it's just a mom thing and a faith thing.

The birth of my daughter is not the 'end' of the journey that I am on, but it is an amazing high and blessing that I am so grateful for along the way. I imagine a journey with many mountains and valleys. The funny thing about a mountain is that you have to climb it to get to the top. That isn't always easy but certainly always rewarding. The valley is a downhill road and very easy to find ourselves in. But we are the only ones who can climb out of the valley. I always thought I would never find myself in the valley if I was a really good Christian. This is the biggest lie I believed. We will all find ourselves in the valley no matter what. I also felt that it was wrong to be mad at God, another lie that I am just now embracing. I have spent so much time trying to fix my grief and anger. I thought that reading the Bible or praying harder would cure it. But my heart wasn't right, my mind was full of anger and bitterness. One of the biggest breakthroughs I have had with my relationship with God is that it is ok to be mad. I haven't had a "quiet time" in I don't know how long, but I'm ok with that. You know what.....God is ok with it too. Authentic, authentic, authentic.....that is what I want to be. God knows when I'm not being authentic so why try to hide it? When I am ready to spend time again with God, it will be for real.

Many of you have traveled this road with us, whether it is secretly following my blog and saying a prayer that I will never know about; or crying along with me every step of the way. Either way, I thank you for your support and prayers. Please continue to say those silent or screaming prayers for us. I believe we are meant to live life together. I hope that I am a better friend and family member after this journey. I want to be with you through this thing called life. Thank you God for helping me do that. I love you all....