I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated you all. As weird as it seems, I think I have been in protection mode. Even though I am about three weeks away from delivering, I am still trying not to get my hopes up.
When trusting God is really hard to do, it makes me keep some of the most joyous things at arms length. The funny part is, no matter how much I "protect" myself.....it wouldn't keep me from experiencing the horror of tragedy.
I also realize that even when everything is "ok," it won't take away the true issues that I have. Uncovering my "real" relationship with God has been so huge and will take a very long time to sort through.
Here I am so grateful at the possibility of this new chapter. At the same time, I am looking around every corner and waiting for the next tragedy. It is even more frustrating when my whole life I have learned so much about God but haven't believed it. It is so crazy! I can verbally tell you so much about God and how much He loves me and you, how merciful He is and all He has done for me. I can recite the verses and tell you that He protects those who loves Him (and many who don't), and even why things happen to good people. I can reason that He protected me even in taking the life of our son. Yet I have so much fear and so little faith.
The bottom line is that I "know" the truth but I don't "feel" or "live" the truth. I have never had the freedom of Christ.
So this journey continues. With all the ups and downs I am learning. I am determined not to tell people all the knowledge of Christ or even pretend that I am some super Christian who feels no pain because God is so good. I am fine with searching for the freedom that I know God wants me to have. God doesn't want me to have a fake relationship with Him, just like we don't want that for ourselves.
The key is progress. Over the last year and a half I have gone through the valley. But even in that..... I am growing, learning and focused on embracing a true and authentic relationship with God.
Thank you again for supporting us and following us along this journey. Even if I'm still exploring prayer and all it really means, I appreciate all your prayers for us! We are praying as well as we look forward to this new chapter in our lives.
Blessings to you all!
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Wow, I can really appreciate this post! As someone who was raised in faith, and feels intellectually enlightened to a degree (although don't ask me to recite verses ;), I, too, have been feeling the personal test of my level of living and belief in what I know (in my head) to be true. Thanks for your authentic transparency that is such a testament to the living God we strive to be in relationship with, honor and serve!
ReplyDeleteI too appriciate the openness and reality of your feelings. Ican relate in soo many ways. I want to encourage you on this journey. God does have you in the palm of HIS hand and he is painting a beautiful picture as you learn to trust HIM. One question I have--Did you give your son a name?? As I was reading Psalm 139 came to my mind. It is one of my favorite. Ps. 139:13-16 specifically came to mind. The Bible says HE know the number of hairs on our head too. God Knows/knew your son and I know from friends who have felt your same pain found comfort when they gave their child a name as God knew them by name so should you. If you did not it is not too late. pray about it. So when the question comes up about 2nd child, you can find strenth in saying, "no, this is our 3rd. Our son (name) passed away .....) I will pray for you. And know You are NOT alone. they are many prayers your way and you cna rest in our FATHER's arms.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. Erin. As I was reading this last week I thought of you guys and all you have been walking through and this verse came to mind: Isaiah 43:2 (read it if you have the chance.) It talks about "when" we walk through things... not "if". It hit me that we will all walk through the flames... but we will not be consumed. I don't know, somehow I found that comforting and wanted to share it with you. You guys are loved and prayed for... even as far away as MT. :-) We missed seeing you this summer but are excited for you guys and the soon to be birth. :-)
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