Now that I'm pregnant.....

It has been a long time since I have updated how I am doing. I have done this on purpose. I feel that any given day I would have produced some neurotic post from one day to the next.

I am half way through (20 weeks) my pregnancy. My feelings can be summed up as follows:
ecstatic, frightened, humble, powerless, excited, uneasy, worried, overjoyed, and doubtful. I could go on but it has continued to be quite a roller coaster.

I was (or thought I was) 21 weeks when I lost our son so approaching that has been very frightening. As I get closer to that, I'm torn with the fact that this pregnancy is in the shadow of our loss. I really want to enjoy, be elated and savor this 40 weeks but I can't help my feelings.

It is hard when someone asks if this is my second child. Technically no. But every time I explain this to some sweet person, I feel bad for them that they asked. They always feel so bad when I tell them we had and lost a son. I know that no one needs to really know that information, but he is a part of my family. So I'm still not completely comfortable with that one.

We've decided not to find out what we are having. I remember the feeling when the doctor said MarKay was a girl....I had no problems with that! Everyone including myself thought she was a boy and I was really excited about having a boy first. But I remember not caring one bit when it was announced she had arrived safe and sound. So....we want to have that same feeling this time around. We know that if God chooses to give us a healthy baby....we are blessed either way.

Some things I have enjoyed.....feeling the baby move. Ok so this part is really great, but even in this I can freak out! This baby is not a morning baby so movement doesn't happen for quite a while! Nonetheless I am so grateful for these little reminders that all is well.

My relationship with God remains the same. I'm here, He's there and I am still learning about what that means. Now I know that my prayers are not requests for things to go my way. But...I'm not sure what they should be and how I truly want to pray. Do I trust and have faith that God will take care of me? I go back and forth. For this pessimist, no not really. I do talk myself out of that quite often. I've said before that God protected me somehow someway even in our loss. It is hard to believe that with my heart.

I'm still committed to being real. Loss is very hard, it brings out the rawness and vulnerable part of a person. I am grateful for this growth and resentful at the same time. I definitely see the world in a different light....try and filter through what is REALLY important and hold on dearly to the relationships that go "there" with me.

So there you have it....that's how I'm doing, "really".......today anyway.