A year ago on February 9th 2009 we gave birth to our deceased son.
I can't believe it has been a year already and yet it has seemed like forever.
I have been dreading this date for quite some time. The memories are excruciating.
I am determined to keep you up with "How I am Doing." I don't quite know. I did lose it when St. Joseph Hospital sent a card to us letting us know they are praying for us at this time. I opened it and saw the writing and just lost it. I think it hit me harder than ever that I will always have a void in my heart for that little boy. That healing will never take away the sorrow on some level. It was a hard reality that this wound when it does heal will have a very nasty scar.
The biggest hurdle or wall that I have hit this last year is redefining my relationship with God. There are so many questions and things I do and do not understand. I don't feel that I am fully through the answers to this and another reality is....I don't think I ever will be.
But there are things I have learned. I have learned that tragedy is the defining moment of change. I have changed, my marriage, my parenting and my outlook on life has changed. I knew that I could make a change for the better or worse...it still is a change. I chose to take the hard road and learn from this. More than anything I have decided to be authentic. Authentic in every relationship I have and most importantly with my relationship with God. It is a long road. I have not arrived but am learning every second.
Perhaps the most freeing aspect of this whole thing is that even though I was "raised" with my "religion.".....I was forced through this process to choose my faith. I questioned all along the way why I 'sacrificed' for my faith. Why God didn't spare me this hurt and pain. I wondered what I have done wrong for Him to put this upon me. The truth is.....the world is cruel. My circumstances are not indicative of how 'good' or 'bad' I am. Reality is tragedy will happen to all of us. If you are reading this and it hasn't hit you yet....it will. I can honestly say that just like any relationship, I have had it out with God. I don't have a 'religion', I have a relationship. So why have I stuck this out? Because I have hope. I now know that my circumstances are going to suck sometimes and if I don't have God, I have nothing. Everything good in my life has come from Him. I am so grateful for all of the blessings I have. I know that I can blame Him for my suffering and even question why I follow Him and He still stands with me, next to me, and holds me up. I can't imagine what my life would have looked like this last year without Him.
So if you don't know where you are at in this 'relationship,' I encourage you to think about it. Life will hit......do you want hope?
Thank you so much for all of your support/prayers/love throughout this year.....you are one of Gods blessings to me and my family......
I can't believe it has been a year already and yet it has seemed like forever.
I have been dreading this date for quite some time. The memories are excruciating.
I am determined to keep you up with "How I am Doing." I don't quite know. I did lose it when St. Joseph Hospital sent a card to us letting us know they are praying for us at this time. I opened it and saw the writing and just lost it. I think it hit me harder than ever that I will always have a void in my heart for that little boy. That healing will never take away the sorrow on some level. It was a hard reality that this wound when it does heal will have a very nasty scar.
The biggest hurdle or wall that I have hit this last year is redefining my relationship with God. There are so many questions and things I do and do not understand. I don't feel that I am fully through the answers to this and another reality is....I don't think I ever will be.
But there are things I have learned. I have learned that tragedy is the defining moment of change. I have changed, my marriage, my parenting and my outlook on life has changed. I knew that I could make a change for the better or worse...it still is a change. I chose to take the hard road and learn from this. More than anything I have decided to be authentic. Authentic in every relationship I have and most importantly with my relationship with God. It is a long road. I have not arrived but am learning every second.
Perhaps the most freeing aspect of this whole thing is that even though I was "raised" with my "religion.".....I was forced through this process to choose my faith. I questioned all along the way why I 'sacrificed' for my faith. Why God didn't spare me this hurt and pain. I wondered what I have done wrong for Him to put this upon me. The truth is.....the world is cruel. My circumstances are not indicative of how 'good' or 'bad' I am. Reality is tragedy will happen to all of us. If you are reading this and it hasn't hit you yet....it will. I can honestly say that just like any relationship, I have had it out with God. I don't have a 'religion', I have a relationship. So why have I stuck this out? Because I have hope. I now know that my circumstances are going to suck sometimes and if I don't have God, I have nothing. Everything good in my life has come from Him. I am so grateful for all of the blessings I have. I know that I can blame Him for my suffering and even question why I follow Him and He still stands with me, next to me, and holds me up. I can't imagine what my life would have looked like this last year without Him.
So if you don't know where you are at in this 'relationship,' I encourage you to think about it. Life will hit......do you want hope?
Thank you so much for all of your support/prayers/love throughout this year.....you are one of Gods blessings to me and my family......
Erin ~ You are in my prayers and thoughts often. I'm sure this year has been such a challenge for you, but know that you have brothers and sisters supporting you. You have a lot of strength. I'm praying for you & Jerry.
ReplyDeleteWe might be seeing you at Inland! We are moving back to Corona and Aaron got a job at Inland :)
Blessings to you!
You are so amazing, Erin. Your words touched me deeply, as I too have suffered loss and pain throughout my journey to be a mother. You are an amazing woman, and I am privleged to know you. :) God Bless!
ReplyDeleteInteresting to have first read your most recent post, and then move to these previous posts-know that when I say transparent, it reflects 'authentic.'
ReplyDeleteDespite not having been through the same 'tragedy' (I can't even imagine), I have had other tragedies that have helped me see the same truth. Despite circumstances that may 'suck,' we have the opportunity to respond to those circumstances through our relationship with Jesus!
Thanks for your open honesty.