Elephants

Today marks the two year birthday of my son. Boy has this day been looming like a storm slowly coming in. I feel bad dreading this day. I want to remember but I don't want the pain that goes with it. I want to honor the memory of what could be but anticipate the sadness that is inevitable.

When storms are coming, everyone knows about it. We all talk about it, get prepared, work together to avoid potential damage. Death is different. It is lonely and intimate. I've been preparing for this storm by myself. It isn't appropriate to go around telling others to help prepare for my dead sons birthday.

Two years later I find myself frustrated that I'm not better at certain things. I want to be shouting out how amazing God is and how He has blessed me.....I can only whisper and barely breathe. I don't want to feel angry or bitter.

I also realize that i. Will never forget. This hole in my heart will never be filled. He will always be apart of our family, apart of our lives, apart of my future. The pain is real and may not go away for quite sometime.

My counselor is encouraging me to be kinder to myself, to give myself Grace. Just be. Be sad, be mad, be hurt. Don't try to be better or different, be me. She told me the most beautiful thing about elephants. When elephants are roaming the land and they come across bones of those in their family, they pick them up and hold them close. They remember. Even in animals God designed morning and remembrance. So today I'm an elephant. Picking up my son and holding him so close, so dear. I grieve what could have been and anticipate meeting him one day.

I leave you with a prayer that was given to me two years ago. Love to you all.....
A Prayer for Baby and it's Family

Kind and loving God, thank you that this little one is known by you and safe in your care. Thank you too, that you understand the grief we feel at the loss of this dear one and all of the hopes and dreams we had for this child. Yu wept when you saw the brokeness of our world and you weep with us as we grieve.

Bring comfort to the parents, grandparents, and siblings of this child. Enfold them in your loving arms and assure them your presence with them. Give them strength and courage to trust that in your love their sorrow and suffering can be transformed into blessing and joy.

Grant this mother renewed hope as she faces the future. Give her strength for each task she faces and peace in her heart. These things we ask in your name...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad