Grace and a Crappy Birthday

On May 21st a year ago I was rushing to get to my 16 week checkup for my unborn child. I had some anxiety since I hadn't felt movement yet but I constantly talked to myself, "It's fine, you are past the first trimester.  Don't fear what happened before, you'll be fine, the baby is fine." I said a prayer for peace and awaited the Doctor.  What happened after that is a blur.  I just remember the static of the heart monitor and the doctor frantically looking for signs of life.  Tears started to roll down my face as I feared the absolute worst.  The doctor left the room for a second to see if she could order an ultrasound.  I just laid on the table in absolute shock.  She came back and broke protocol.  There was an ultrasound machine in the exam room and she turned it on.  There I got to see my baby for the last time....lifeless.

I fell apart, she asked if I needed time.  I was alone and just wanted out. "I've been through this before, what's next?," I asked through tears.  She explained that I would need a D&C and they would schedule it for me.  "I'm assuming you want it as soon as possible?," she asked.  I nodded yes and she left the room. I remember hearing through the walls the baby monitor of another patient in the next room, the heartbeat was loud and clear.  It was a cruel irony. A nurse came in with a lot of paperwork.  My D&C was scheduled for the 23rd. I signed everywhere she told me to, put on my sunglasses and walked through a crowded waiting room of pregnant women to escape to my car.

Sobbing in the parking lot I call Jerry to tell him the news. I told him everything that had happened and the surgery date.  I told him he needed to come get me, I was too upset to drive.  I ended our conversation saying, "and tomorrow's my birthday."

I mean I've had "bad" birthdays before.  The kind where I was running late, spilled my coffee or got in a fight with someone I loved.  I always had a final on my birthday in high school and college so I knew what it was like to have a bummer birthday.  But I never had a birthday so bleak, so heavy, or so tragic as this day.  It was a birthday of tears.

And so it's been a year. I've mulled over the timing of this tragedy.  I've gotten mad and bitter. I've questioned and cried.  But the number one question I have been asking is, "do I deserve a good birthday?"

My birthday is a day that I virtually had no say in.  I was born, my mom labored and had to recover. She bears the scar that occurred on May 22nd.

So what is it in me that declares my birthday as a "drama free" day?  May 22nd was the day I was born, the end.  It doesn't merit me to have loads of gifts, praise, and adoration.  I don't need to have all the people in my life to make me feel special, I didn't do anything on my birthday to deserve any of this.

As this day approaches, I want to be sad and bitter about the events that occurred last year.   But I am starting to realize that my birth was a gift from God above.  Birthdays are another example of Gods amazing grace.  Grace is defined as:  "the free and unmerited favor of God on sinners who do not deserve it."  I do not deserve a party.....my mom does.  But not once did my mom ask for accolades in her labor.  Not once did she refrain from pouring her love and affection on me year after year when it was a day that she worked so hard for.
And that's the most amazing thing......I get a party for showing up.  I get the gifts, the kind words and affirmations for a day I did not destine.

This year in particular, I get to share a birthday season with another child that I can't hold on my arms.  I get to always remember what true blessing birth is and be grateful to God for His goodness in letting me be a mother to two phenomenal girls.  I get to celebrate birth and the intricacies that come with forming and completing life that only God can do.  I get to give Him the Glory for allowing me to be here on this earth for the short amount of time I have.

I get to celebrate His Grace.  I can undeservingly accept the love that others give me on this day. So on this good or bad birthday I will thank Him. I thank Him for life, birth, and for the special bond I will have with my angel in heaven. I will thank Him for the family I have and the never-ending blessings He bestows on my life everyday. I will thank Him for His word and His presence which has given me hope and allowed me to continue this journey with Him.

I know the best birthday gift I received last year was a verse that I came upon in the first few days after the loss.  Since then it has been my foundation this year.

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8 NASB)

Therefore on this day: my day of birth, I will dwell on these things. I can rest knowing Gods' grace is wrapped up every year into the perfect gift waiting for me to open and accept it no matter what the day brings.