Recently I realized that authenticity is not a social norm. It is kind of a sad reality for me because I have aspired to be authentic always and I'm losing hope that this is possible.
The definition of authentic is to be real or genuine. This is really easy when all is going well. I can go around with a smile and honestly tell people I'm great! But I've found that when things aren't perfect, authentic means being the "Debbie Downer" of the group. I struggle with the possibility of bringing things down, or being "that" person.
I've also realized that even though my life has taken me down this road, others are not ready/willing to join me. It saddens me because I don't want to pull teeth to get to know how everyone is REALLY doing. I call it being on "level 5." Level 1 is saying "hi" and "how are you" as a courtesy, you don't want to be rude.this is reserved for people who are acquaintance or those we don't know very well. Level 2 is talking about the weather or your favorite reality or sitcom show and how you can't believe that guy chose her! Sometimes the "real" you comes out in these kind of conversations but you can shield yourself behind a character of a show. Level 3 is talking about your weekend and some personal stories, where you went, what you did. Maybe here is where you elaborate on your life and opinions but still safe behind the wall of events. Four is letting someone in to talk about the "norm" of our lives. You know, the fight you had with your significant other, your kids and how they are driving you crazy. This is where your normal conflicts that "everyone" can identify with are. Level 4 is the level I think most people live when it comes to friendships. It's great right? I mean at this level we can stay safe yet feel like we are getting to really know someone. These level 4 things are not what we tell just "anyone!"
But level 5 is going deeper. Its identifying the true self. Its opening up the ugly. It's your fears, insecurities, vulnerable moments, and your seemingly silly dreams. Some people never have this relationship. I know I didn't until the ugly happened to me. Being stripped of every mask you have happens when life happens. When the boiling pot you were trying to keep the lid on for so long begins to boil over. I believe that you have to be authentic and true to your own self before you can dare give it to someone else. I don't know if that would have ever happened had I not been on this journey. Now I can see my ugly but often feel alone in the fact that ugly is not allowed in everyday conversation.
Yet there are those few that join me in level 5. I can say I'm having a rough day, I don't feel important or, I'm comparing myself to others and I'm on the losing end....every time. I can admit that I'm angry at God at times, I'm not the perfect Christian, and sometimes I question Gods character. I can come to them in shame and embarrassment that I don't measure up and they still love me for who I am.
The funny thing is, these relationships....and you....can identify with this ugly. I'm sometimes told that I'm brave or amazing for having this calling and going on this crusade (so to speak). But often times I feel that I don't belong, I'm out of place. I feel that my desires to be this vulnerable at all times is impossible and in that I am weak, a failure.
I always feel that I end every entry this way, thank you for those of you joining me. It's ok even if you join me silently....I get it. Every person desires a sense of belonging....fitting in.....I'm trying to do that after everything I've been through. The journey continues, I dare you to belong to it....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Missing
Wow the last two days I've been missing something I've never had.
I don't know how that is possible.
It's so odd because I don't know what has triggered this feeling. I find myself missing seeing my son grow and develop, smile and learn his first word. Would he be a momma's boy (but of course)! Who would he look and act like? Would he like sports or music? Who would his first girlfriend be?
Gosh I can't wait to meet him.
Love you Jerin.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I don't know how that is possible.
It's so odd because I don't know what has triggered this feeling. I find myself missing seeing my son grow and develop, smile and learn his first word. Would he be a momma's boy (but of course)! Who would he look and act like? Would he like sports or music? Who would his first girlfriend be?
Gosh I can't wait to meet him.
Love you Jerin.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Elephants
Today marks the two year birthday of my son. Boy has this day been looming like a storm slowly coming in. I feel bad dreading this day. I want to remember but I don't want the pain that goes with it. I want to honor the memory of what could be but anticipate the sadness that is inevitable.
When storms are coming, everyone knows about it. We all talk about it, get prepared, work together to avoid potential damage. Death is different. It is lonely and intimate. I've been preparing for this storm by myself. It isn't appropriate to go around telling others to help prepare for my dead sons birthday.
Two years later I find myself frustrated that I'm not better at certain things. I want to be shouting out how amazing God is and how He has blessed me.....I can only whisper and barely breathe. I don't want to feel angry or bitter.
I also realize that i. Will never forget. This hole in my heart will never be filled. He will always be apart of our family, apart of our lives, apart of my future. The pain is real and may not go away for quite sometime.
My counselor is encouraging me to be kinder to myself, to give myself Grace. Just be. Be sad, be mad, be hurt. Don't try to be better or different, be me. She told me the most beautiful thing about elephants. When elephants are roaming the land and they come across bones of those in their family, they pick them up and hold them close. They remember. Even in animals God designed morning and remembrance. So today I'm an elephant. Picking up my son and holding him so close, so dear. I grieve what could have been and anticipate meeting him one day.
I leave you with a prayer that was given to me two years ago. Love to you all.....
A Prayer for Baby and it's Family
Kind and loving God, thank you that this little one is known by you and safe in your care. Thank you too, that you understand the grief we feel at the loss of this dear one and all of the hopes and dreams we had for this child. Yu wept when you saw the brokeness of our world and you weep with us as we grieve.
Bring comfort to the parents, grandparents, and siblings of this child. Enfold them in your loving arms and assure them your presence with them. Give them strength and courage to trust that in your love their sorrow and suffering can be transformed into blessing and joy.
Grant this mother renewed hope as she faces the future. Give her strength for each task she faces and peace in her heart. These things we ask in your name...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
When storms are coming, everyone knows about it. We all talk about it, get prepared, work together to avoid potential damage. Death is different. It is lonely and intimate. I've been preparing for this storm by myself. It isn't appropriate to go around telling others to help prepare for my dead sons birthday.
Two years later I find myself frustrated that I'm not better at certain things. I want to be shouting out how amazing God is and how He has blessed me.....I can only whisper and barely breathe. I don't want to feel angry or bitter.
I also realize that i. Will never forget. This hole in my heart will never be filled. He will always be apart of our family, apart of our lives, apart of my future. The pain is real and may not go away for quite sometime.
My counselor is encouraging me to be kinder to myself, to give myself Grace. Just be. Be sad, be mad, be hurt. Don't try to be better or different, be me. She told me the most beautiful thing about elephants. When elephants are roaming the land and they come across bones of those in their family, they pick them up and hold them close. They remember. Even in animals God designed morning and remembrance. So today I'm an elephant. Picking up my son and holding him so close, so dear. I grieve what could have been and anticipate meeting him one day.
I leave you with a prayer that was given to me two years ago. Love to you all.....
A Prayer for Baby and it's Family
Kind and loving God, thank you that this little one is known by you and safe in your care. Thank you too, that you understand the grief we feel at the loss of this dear one and all of the hopes and dreams we had for this child. Yu wept when you saw the brokeness of our world and you weep with us as we grieve.
Bring comfort to the parents, grandparents, and siblings of this child. Enfold them in your loving arms and assure them your presence with them. Give them strength and courage to trust that in your love their sorrow and suffering can be transformed into blessing and joy.
Grant this mother renewed hope as she faces the future. Give her strength for each task she faces and peace in her heart. These things we ask in your name...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Monday, January 10, 2011
Out of control
Most of you know this and in case you don't...... we don't have control. I don't usually consider myself a control freak. Perhaps it's because I've lived with this urge to control for as long as I can remember. So this "freak" in me is my "normal."
Crazy torrents of rain fell from the sky with such force, it made me shiver. I couldn't sleep. My fear was that Jerry was going to get in the car in a matter of hours and get on the road. I just knew I would never see him again. I felt panicked and had visions of horrific accidents in my head in which Jer would be apart of. I actually asked him not to go, my fear had officially taken over. I couldn't control the rain, or the other drivers, or the slippery roads. I was "out of control," literally and figuratively.
So as he walked out the door, I prayed. I prayed for God to protect him, I prayed for peace, I prayed and prayed. Then I realized that I also prayed for my baby two years ago to be ok, I prayed that he was alive and I other for peace of mind.
I can't control what happens in my life, but God can. why had He chosen to let my son go but he spared Jerry in a horrific storm? I don't know.....that's the problem.
Some people say, "let go and let God.". Well sometimes I really do let go and let God but it doesn't turn out the way I want. Sometimes it is painful and cruel. I have no idea when those things will happen or why. So, I'm in limbo. If I can't control what happens in life, can I ever find peace?
Here is where I should have more faith. I know, I just wish it was true. I don't know when God decides to let this life happen and when He will protect me from it. It is the first time I can put words to this out of control feeling.
I wonder if I will feel the freedom of not being in control one day. For now it is uncomfortable and awkward. I don't like it. The reason is I have fooled myself into thinking that I have control. That can show God how "good" or how much I "do" that he will protect me from anything. Allowing my son to die at five months pregnant completely rocked this faulty foundation. I realize now that building my life on this wrong foundation has shaped my relationship with God. I feel like I'm starting over, trying to figure it out.
I know I promised authenticity, to you and myself. I fear what you may think of me but also feel cleansed, so to speak, because this is the real me. The things you don't bring up at a dinner party....or ever for that matter.
The other night I told Jerry that I am broken. This mess is ugly. Thanks to you who love me despite of my mess and I guarantee that am not alone... for that, I am grateful.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Crazy torrents of rain fell from the sky with such force, it made me shiver. I couldn't sleep. My fear was that Jerry was going to get in the car in a matter of hours and get on the road. I just knew I would never see him again. I felt panicked and had visions of horrific accidents in my head in which Jer would be apart of. I actually asked him not to go, my fear had officially taken over. I couldn't control the rain, or the other drivers, or the slippery roads. I was "out of control," literally and figuratively.
So as he walked out the door, I prayed. I prayed for God to protect him, I prayed for peace, I prayed and prayed. Then I realized that I also prayed for my baby two years ago to be ok, I prayed that he was alive and I other for peace of mind.
I can't control what happens in my life, but God can. why had He chosen to let my son go but he spared Jerry in a horrific storm? I don't know.....that's the problem.
Some people say, "let go and let God.". Well sometimes I really do let go and let God but it doesn't turn out the way I want. Sometimes it is painful and cruel. I have no idea when those things will happen or why. So, I'm in limbo. If I can't control what happens in life, can I ever find peace?
Here is where I should have more faith. I know, I just wish it was true. I don't know when God decides to let this life happen and when He will protect me from it. It is the first time I can put words to this out of control feeling.
I wonder if I will feel the freedom of not being in control one day. For now it is uncomfortable and awkward. I don't like it. The reason is I have fooled myself into thinking that I have control. That can show God how "good" or how much I "do" that he will protect me from anything. Allowing my son to die at five months pregnant completely rocked this faulty foundation. I realize now that building my life on this wrong foundation has shaped my relationship with God. I feel like I'm starting over, trying to figure it out.
I know I promised authenticity, to you and myself. I fear what you may think of me but also feel cleansed, so to speak, because this is the real me. The things you don't bring up at a dinner party....or ever for that matter.
The other night I told Jerry that I am broken. This mess is ugly. Thanks to you who love me despite of my mess and I guarantee that am not alone... for that, I am grateful.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, November 5, 2010
The fish
The fish was dead. I mean really dead, so dead that it sunk to the bottom of the bowl. I was in charge of it....cleaning the bowl and feeding it. I cleaned it's bowl right before Piper was born. I knew I wouldn't get to it for awhile. The fish was swimming in about four inches of dirty water. When I brought down the bowl to finally clean it, I realized it was gone. Then...I cried. Ok bawled.
The fish was almost three years old. It was there for MarKays birth, the loss of our son and now Pipers birth. Even though the fish was apart of our family, that is not why I was crying. I was crying because I thought I killed it. I hadn't cleaned the water in so long, it was my fault. If only I had gotten to it earlier, I'm sure it would still be alive today.
After our loss I knew I couldn't handle death on any level. I even remember being sad when the flowers people gave us in condolence died. My cat of twelve years died shortly after our loss and I know I still haven't dealt with it out of protection. I haven't ordered a rose bush that I was given at the time of our loss because I knew I couldn't handle it if I killed it.
In my head it doesn't make sense, the fish was three years old for goodness sake! It was obvious that my heart didn't feel the same. The fish represents so much in my life. It became an obsession, something I could feel good about.....I kept that fish alive. Somehow I think I have control, that I can stop the inevitable. And...that I'm somehow responsible for the events in my life. When something goes wrong or tragic, I wonder what I did to create that situation.
What is the truth? Easy....I have no control, nothing I did or do creates tragedy. I could have prayed everyday that the fish would not die, but it was inevitable, something I could not control. So how do I let myself off the hook, give myself a break, let go of the world? I really don't know. I think I've been doing it for quite some time. I know I have said this before, the truths in my head need to reach my heart.
Still a work in progress.....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
The fish was almost three years old. It was there for MarKays birth, the loss of our son and now Pipers birth. Even though the fish was apart of our family, that is not why I was crying. I was crying because I thought I killed it. I hadn't cleaned the water in so long, it was my fault. If only I had gotten to it earlier, I'm sure it would still be alive today.
After our loss I knew I couldn't handle death on any level. I even remember being sad when the flowers people gave us in condolence died. My cat of twelve years died shortly after our loss and I know I still haven't dealt with it out of protection. I haven't ordered a rose bush that I was given at the time of our loss because I knew I couldn't handle it if I killed it.
In my head it doesn't make sense, the fish was three years old for goodness sake! It was obvious that my heart didn't feel the same. The fish represents so much in my life. It became an obsession, something I could feel good about.....I kept that fish alive. Somehow I think I have control, that I can stop the inevitable. And...that I'm somehow responsible for the events in my life. When something goes wrong or tragic, I wonder what I did to create that situation.
What is the truth? Easy....I have no control, nothing I did or do creates tragedy. I could have prayed everyday that the fish would not die, but it was inevitable, something I could not control. So how do I let myself off the hook, give myself a break, let go of the world? I really don't know. I think I've been doing it for quite some time. I know I have said this before, the truths in my head need to reach my heart.
Still a work in progress.....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Now that I have a baby.....
Well just as I thought, having a baby is the greatest miracle on this earth. I was completely relieved when I got to hold my beautiful daughter with no complications. I feared the baby's loss all the way till the end. But God blessed us with Piper Jeryn Motto. She is a precious angel.
Funny enough, even though I got this amazing gift, it still didn't cover up the loss that we have experienced. Most want to know how we are doing with the fact that we have a girl and not a boy. Well, I was so happy when they said, "It's a Girl!" I think making it a surprise really made it not matter. After all the labor (and false labor), I was so relieved to have it over with! Jer and I often talk about the fact that having a girl makes us miss our son that much more. I don't think of Piper being a boy, I think of what life would have been like if Jerin had lived. But....if Jerin did live, we wouldn't have Piper. That is a weird thought! I would never want to live life without Piper. Selfishly I did think that God owes me. Yeah sometimes I would think He owes me a boy. Then He would owe me a easy labor, or one without being induced. But really, I am owed nothing. In the end I did 'expect' Him to come through with a healthy baby. He did come through with that! Thank you God.
I believe that God certainly designed it this way. We were absolutely meant to have a girl. We aren't planning on having anymore kids, I have been pregnant and delivered every year for the last three years. We also aren't guaranteed a boy and I don't think I can do three girls! Lol!
I also don't want to replace or try and fulfill a hole that will never be filled. I'm ok with that.
As far as the fear goes, well it still transfers over to other areas. It hasn't gone away. I fear Piper will die in the night or that MarKay will catch some horrible disease.....it's just a mom thing and a faith thing.
The birth of my daughter is not the 'end' of the journey that I am on, but it is an amazing high and blessing that I am so grateful for along the way. I imagine a journey with many mountains and valleys. The funny thing about a mountain is that you have to climb it to get to the top. That isn't always easy but certainly always rewarding. The valley is a downhill road and very easy to find ourselves in. But we are the only ones who can climb out of the valley. I always thought I would never find myself in the valley if I was a really good Christian. This is the biggest lie I believed. We will all find ourselves in the valley no matter what. I also felt that it was wrong to be mad at God, another lie that I am just now embracing. I have spent so much time trying to fix my grief and anger. I thought that reading the Bible or praying harder would cure it. But my heart wasn't right, my mind was full of anger and bitterness. One of the biggest breakthroughs I have had with my relationship with God is that it is ok to be mad. I haven't had a "quiet time" in I don't know how long, but I'm ok with that. You know what.....God is ok with it too. Authentic, authentic, authentic.....that is what I want to be. God knows when I'm not being authentic so why try to hide it? When I am ready to spend time again with God, it will be for real.
Many of you have traveled this road with us, whether it is secretly following my blog and saying a prayer that I will never know about; or crying along with me every step of the way. Either way, I thank you for your support and prayers. Please continue to say those silent or screaming prayers for us. I believe we are meant to live life together. I hope that I am a better friend and family member after this journey. I want to be with you through this thing called life. Thank you God for helping me do that. I love you all....
Funny enough, even though I got this amazing gift, it still didn't cover up the loss that we have experienced. Most want to know how we are doing with the fact that we have a girl and not a boy. Well, I was so happy when they said, "It's a Girl!" I think making it a surprise really made it not matter. After all the labor (and false labor), I was so relieved to have it over with! Jer and I often talk about the fact that having a girl makes us miss our son that much more. I don't think of Piper being a boy, I think of what life would have been like if Jerin had lived. But....if Jerin did live, we wouldn't have Piper. That is a weird thought! I would never want to live life without Piper. Selfishly I did think that God owes me. Yeah sometimes I would think He owes me a boy. Then He would owe me a easy labor, or one without being induced. But really, I am owed nothing. In the end I did 'expect' Him to come through with a healthy baby. He did come through with that! Thank you God.
I believe that God certainly designed it this way. We were absolutely meant to have a girl. We aren't planning on having anymore kids, I have been pregnant and delivered every year for the last three years. We also aren't guaranteed a boy and I don't think I can do three girls! Lol!
I also don't want to replace or try and fulfill a hole that will never be filled. I'm ok with that.
As far as the fear goes, well it still transfers over to other areas. It hasn't gone away. I fear Piper will die in the night or that MarKay will catch some horrible disease.....it's just a mom thing and a faith thing.
The birth of my daughter is not the 'end' of the journey that I am on, but it is an amazing high and blessing that I am so grateful for along the way. I imagine a journey with many mountains and valleys. The funny thing about a mountain is that you have to climb it to get to the top. That isn't always easy but certainly always rewarding. The valley is a downhill road and very easy to find ourselves in. But we are the only ones who can climb out of the valley. I always thought I would never find myself in the valley if I was a really good Christian. This is the biggest lie I believed. We will all find ourselves in the valley no matter what. I also felt that it was wrong to be mad at God, another lie that I am just now embracing. I have spent so much time trying to fix my grief and anger. I thought that reading the Bible or praying harder would cure it. But my heart wasn't right, my mind was full of anger and bitterness. One of the biggest breakthroughs I have had with my relationship with God is that it is ok to be mad. I haven't had a "quiet time" in I don't know how long, but I'm ok with that. You know what.....God is ok with it too. Authentic, authentic, authentic.....that is what I want to be. God knows when I'm not being authentic so why try to hide it? When I am ready to spend time again with God, it will be for real.
Many of you have traveled this road with us, whether it is secretly following my blog and saying a prayer that I will never know about; or crying along with me every step of the way. Either way, I thank you for your support and prayers. Please continue to say those silent or screaming prayers for us. I believe we are meant to live life together. I hope that I am a better friend and family member after this journey. I want to be with you through this thing called life. Thank you God for helping me do that. I love you all....
Saturday, August 14, 2010
New Chapter
I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated you all. As weird as it seems, I think I have been in protection mode. Even though I am about three weeks away from delivering, I am still trying not to get my hopes up.
When trusting God is really hard to do, it makes me keep some of the most joyous things at arms length. The funny part is, no matter how much I "protect" myself.....it wouldn't keep me from experiencing the horror of tragedy.
I also realize that even when everything is "ok," it won't take away the true issues that I have. Uncovering my "real" relationship with God has been so huge and will take a very long time to sort through.
Here I am so grateful at the possibility of this new chapter. At the same time, I am looking around every corner and waiting for the next tragedy. It is even more frustrating when my whole life I have learned so much about God but haven't believed it. It is so crazy! I can verbally tell you so much about God and how much He loves me and you, how merciful He is and all He has done for me. I can recite the verses and tell you that He protects those who loves Him (and many who don't), and even why things happen to good people. I can reason that He protected me even in taking the life of our son. Yet I have so much fear and so little faith.
The bottom line is that I "know" the truth but I don't "feel" or "live" the truth. I have never had the freedom of Christ.
So this journey continues. With all the ups and downs I am learning. I am determined not to tell people all the knowledge of Christ or even pretend that I am some super Christian who feels no pain because God is so good. I am fine with searching for the freedom that I know God wants me to have. God doesn't want me to have a fake relationship with Him, just like we don't want that for ourselves.
The key is progress. Over the last year and a half I have gone through the valley. But even in that..... I am growing, learning and focused on embracing a true and authentic relationship with God.
Thank you again for supporting us and following us along this journey. Even if I'm still exploring prayer and all it really means, I appreciate all your prayers for us! We are praying as well as we look forward to this new chapter in our lives.
Blessings to you all!
When trusting God is really hard to do, it makes me keep some of the most joyous things at arms length. The funny part is, no matter how much I "protect" myself.....it wouldn't keep me from experiencing the horror of tragedy.
I also realize that even when everything is "ok," it won't take away the true issues that I have. Uncovering my "real" relationship with God has been so huge and will take a very long time to sort through.
Here I am so grateful at the possibility of this new chapter. At the same time, I am looking around every corner and waiting for the next tragedy. It is even more frustrating when my whole life I have learned so much about God but haven't believed it. It is so crazy! I can verbally tell you so much about God and how much He loves me and you, how merciful He is and all He has done for me. I can recite the verses and tell you that He protects those who loves Him (and many who don't), and even why things happen to good people. I can reason that He protected me even in taking the life of our son. Yet I have so much fear and so little faith.
The bottom line is that I "know" the truth but I don't "feel" or "live" the truth. I have never had the freedom of Christ.
So this journey continues. With all the ups and downs I am learning. I am determined not to tell people all the knowledge of Christ or even pretend that I am some super Christian who feels no pain because God is so good. I am fine with searching for the freedom that I know God wants me to have. God doesn't want me to have a fake relationship with Him, just like we don't want that for ourselves.
The key is progress. Over the last year and a half I have gone through the valley. But even in that..... I am growing, learning and focused on embracing a true and authentic relationship with God.
Thank you again for supporting us and following us along this journey. Even if I'm still exploring prayer and all it really means, I appreciate all your prayers for us! We are praying as well as we look forward to this new chapter in our lives.
Blessings to you all!
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