Authenticity is not a social norm

Recently I realized that authenticity is not a social norm. It is kind of a sad reality for me because I have aspired to be authentic always and I'm losing hope that this is possible.

The definition of authentic is to be real or genuine. This is really easy when all is going well. I can go around with a smile and honestly tell people I'm great! But I've found that when things aren't perfect, authentic means being the "Debbie Downer" of the group. I struggle with the possibility of bringing things down, or being "that" person.

I've also realized that even though my life has taken me down this road, others are not ready/willing to join me. It saddens me because I don't want to pull teeth to get to know how everyone is REALLY doing. I call it being on "level 5." Level 1 is saying "hi" and "how are you" as a courtesy, you don't want to be rude.this is reserved for people who are acquaintance or those we don't know very well. Level 2 is talking about the weather or your favorite reality or sitcom show and how you can't believe that guy chose her! Sometimes the "real" you comes out in these kind of conversations but you can shield yourself behind a character of a show. Level 3 is talking about your weekend and some personal stories, where you went, what you did. Maybe here is where you elaborate on your life and opinions but still safe behind the wall of events. Four is letting someone in to talk about the "norm" of our lives. You know, the fight you had with your significant other, your kids and how they are driving you crazy. This is where your normal conflicts that "everyone" can identify with are. Level 4 is the level I think most people live when it comes to friendships. It's great right? I mean at this level we can stay safe yet feel like we are getting to really know someone. These level 4 things are not what we tell just "anyone!"

But level 5 is going deeper. Its identifying the true self. Its opening up the ugly. It's your fears, insecurities, vulnerable moments, and your seemingly silly dreams. Some people never have this relationship. I know I didn't until the ugly happened to me. Being stripped of every mask you have happens when life happens. When the boiling pot you were trying to keep the lid on for so long begins to boil over. I believe that you have to be authentic and true to your own self before you can dare give it to someone else. I don't know if that would have ever happened had I not been on this journey. Now I can see my ugly but often feel alone in the fact that ugly is not allowed in everyday conversation.

Yet there are those few that join me in level 5. I can say I'm having a rough day, I don't feel important or, I'm comparing myself to others and I'm on the losing end....every time. I can admit that I'm angry at God at times, I'm not the perfect Christian, and sometimes I question Gods character. I can come to them in shame and embarrassment that I don't measure up and they still love me for who I am.

The funny thing is, these relationships....and you....can identify with this ugly. I'm sometimes told that I'm brave or amazing for having this calling and going on this crusade (so to speak). But often times I feel that I don't belong, I'm out of place. I feel that my desires to be this vulnerable at all times is impossible and in that I am weak, a failure.

I always feel that I end every entry this way, thank you for those of you joining me. It's ok even if you join me silently....I get it. Every person desires a sense of belonging....fitting in.....I'm trying to do that after everything I've been through. The journey continues, I dare you to belong to it....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad