New Chapter

I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated you all. As weird as it seems, I think I have been in protection mode. Even though I am about three weeks away from delivering, I am still trying not to get my hopes up.
When trusting God is really hard to do, it makes me keep some of the most joyous things at arms length. The funny part is, no matter how much I "protect" myself.....it wouldn't keep me from experiencing the horror of tragedy.
I also realize that even when everything is "ok," it won't take away the true issues that I have. Uncovering my "real" relationship with God has been so huge and will take a very long time to sort through.
Here I am so grateful at the possibility of this new chapter. At the same time, I am looking around every corner and waiting for the next tragedy. It is even more frustrating when my whole life I have learned so much about God but haven't believed it. It is so crazy! I can verbally tell you so much about God and how much He loves me and you, how merciful He is and all He has done for me. I can recite the verses and tell you that He protects those who loves Him (and many who don't), and even why things happen to good people. I can reason that He protected me even in taking the life of our son. Yet I have so much fear and so little faith.
The bottom line is that I "know" the truth but I don't "feel" or "live" the truth. I have never had the freedom of Christ.
So this journey continues. With all the ups and downs I am learning. I am determined not to tell people all the knowledge of Christ or even pretend that I am some super Christian who feels no pain because God is so good. I am fine with searching for the freedom that I know God wants me to have. God doesn't want me to have a fake relationship with Him, just like we don't want that for ourselves.
The key is progress. Over the last year and a half I have gone through the valley. But even in that..... I am growing, learning and focused on embracing a true and authentic relationship with God.
Thank you again for supporting us and following us along this journey. Even if I'm still exploring prayer and all it really means, I appreciate all your prayers for us! We are praying as well as we look forward to this new chapter in our lives.
Blessings to you all!

Now that I'm pregnant.....

It has been a long time since I have updated how I am doing. I have done this on purpose. I feel that any given day I would have produced some neurotic post from one day to the next.

I am half way through (20 weeks) my pregnancy. My feelings can be summed up as follows:
ecstatic, frightened, humble, powerless, excited, uneasy, worried, overjoyed, and doubtful. I could go on but it has continued to be quite a roller coaster.

I was (or thought I was) 21 weeks when I lost our son so approaching that has been very frightening. As I get closer to that, I'm torn with the fact that this pregnancy is in the shadow of our loss. I really want to enjoy, be elated and savor this 40 weeks but I can't help my feelings.

It is hard when someone asks if this is my second child. Technically no. But every time I explain this to some sweet person, I feel bad for them that they asked. They always feel so bad when I tell them we had and lost a son. I know that no one needs to really know that information, but he is a part of my family. So I'm still not completely comfortable with that one.

We've decided not to find out what we are having. I remember the feeling when the doctor said MarKay was a girl....I had no problems with that! Everyone including myself thought she was a boy and I was really excited about having a boy first. But I remember not caring one bit when it was announced she had arrived safe and sound. So....we want to have that same feeling this time around. We know that if God chooses to give us a healthy baby....we are blessed either way.

Some things I have enjoyed.....feeling the baby move. Ok so this part is really great, but even in this I can freak out! This baby is not a morning baby so movement doesn't happen for quite a while! Nonetheless I am so grateful for these little reminders that all is well.

My relationship with God remains the same. I'm here, He's there and I am still learning about what that means. Now I know that my prayers are not requests for things to go my way. But...I'm not sure what they should be and how I truly want to pray. Do I trust and have faith that God will take care of me? I go back and forth. For this pessimist, no not really. I do talk myself out of that quite often. I've said before that God protected me somehow someway even in our loss. It is hard to believe that with my heart.

I'm still committed to being real. Loss is very hard, it brings out the rawness and vulnerable part of a person. I am grateful for this growth and resentful at the same time. I definitely see the world in a different light....try and filter through what is REALLY important and hold on dearly to the relationships that go "there" with me.

So there you have it....that's how I'm doing, "really".......today anyway.

A Year Has Passed.....

A year ago on February 9th 2009 we gave birth to our deceased son.

I can't believe it has been a year already and yet it has seemed like forever.

I have been dreading this date for quite some time. The memories are excruciating.

I am determined to keep you up with "How I am Doing." I don't quite know. I did lose it when St. Joseph Hospital sent a card to us letting us know they are praying for us at this time. I opened it and saw the writing and just lost it. I think it hit me harder than ever that I will always have a void in my heart for that little boy. That healing will never take away the sorrow on some level. It was a hard reality that this wound when it does heal will have a very nasty scar.

The biggest hurdle or wall that I have hit this last year is redefining my relationship with God. There are so many questions and things I do and do not understand. I don't feel that I am fully through the answers to this and another reality is....I don't think I ever will be.

But there are things I have learned. I have learned that tragedy is the defining moment of change. I have changed, my marriage, my parenting and my outlook on life has changed. I knew that I could make a change for the better or worse...it still is a change. I chose to take the hard road and learn from this. More than anything I have decided to be authentic. Authentic in every relationship I have and most importantly with my relationship with God. It is a long road. I have not arrived but am learning every second.

Perhaps the most freeing aspect of this whole thing is that even though I was "raised" with my "religion.".....I was forced through this process to choose my faith. I questioned all along the way why I 'sacrificed' for my faith. Why God didn't spare me this hurt and pain. I wondered what I have done wrong for Him to put this upon me. The truth is.....the world is cruel. My circumstances are not indicative of how 'good' or 'bad' I am. Reality is tragedy will happen to all of us. If you are reading this and it hasn't hit you yet....it will. I can honestly say that just like any relationship, I have had it out with God. I don't have a 'religion', I have a relationship. So why have I stuck this out? Because I have hope. I now know that my circumstances are going to suck sometimes and if I don't have God, I have nothing. Everything good in my life has come from Him. I am so grateful for all of the blessings I have. I know that I can blame Him for my suffering and even question why I follow Him and He still stands with me, next to me, and holds me up. I can't imagine what my life would have looked like this last year without Him.

So if you don't know where you are at in this 'relationship,' I encourage you to think about it. Life will hit......do you want hope?

Thank you so much for all of your support/prayers/love throughout this year.....you are one of Gods blessings to me and my family......

Walking on the Wall

It has taken me awhile to really let my daughter play by herself in the backyard. I decided that it was time for me to let her feel a bit more independent and now I just yell at her asking her if she is ok every two minutes or so.

Today as we played out front, she wanted to climb "the wall." No problem I thought as I held her hand. But now she is two and her favorite phrase is "NO, I do it!" This poses a problem for the loving parent because I imagine her falling and cracking her head open. But after assessing the height of the wall, I realized that she wouldn't fall dangerously far and it would be on grass. Plus she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. So if she fell.... that would be her lesson. The fall would inevitably hurt and she would cry but it was her choice to not take my hand.

As I watched her in the backyard, she started climbing on our planters and jumping off of them to the grass. I started to go out to hold her hand through the whole thing but realized she wouldn't let me even if I tried. It is a harsh reality that your child doesn't want your help. When they want to experience the falls without you protecting them. I was lucky that she didn't fall but I better be prepared for it.

It reminds me of how God must feel about me. Looking at me through the window, giving me independence and knowing the fall is coming. Yet anytime I need help, I can reach out and His hand is there. Just like mine is for MarKay.

So as today is MarKay's birthday, the gift she showed me is mine. Thanks MarKay........and ultimately God for the lesson.

Fresh Fallen Snow

Looking forward to a new year is like looking at fresh fallen snow. Snow doesn't happen in my 'hood' very often but I was blessed to see it over Thanksgiving weekend up at my parents cabin. Opening the curtains of our room after a crazy tumultuous storm the evening before, was absolutely breathtaking and brought tears to my eyes. No blemish in the snow.....no color or tarnish. It was so pure and immaculate.
After looking at the beauty of the snow, we could hardly wait to go out and ruin it! We got our boots on and bundled up. We started to trample all over it, taste it, fall in it and picked it up from its perfection. Although it saddened me a bit to see the snow misplaced and disheveled, I realized that if we never went outside; we would have never experienced one of the best memories for me to date.
As I open the curtain to next year, I see that it is beautiful right now because nothing has happened. Nothing good or bad. It is perfect, pure and immaculate. My choice is whether I frolic and play while disrupting the perfection or stay inside so that I don't "ruin" what it is. I stay inside out of fear of messing up, getting dirty and real.
Whatever I decide, I am ready to kiss this year goodbye. With all of its good and bad and ugly. So much learning has happened and it will continue into the next year. Circumstances haven't been on our side but that doesn't mean next year will be any better. Maybe this year was the tumultuous storm that rages in order to bring the purity that was the next morning. That is the promise, the hope and the possibility of a better year that I hold on to. And that brings tears to my eyes......

Happy New Year everyone.

The holidays

So the holidays are here. I am so grateful that MarKay gets it this year and I can focus on her enjoyment and excitement over the magic of Christmas. Time is now repeating and I can say, "last year at this time I was pregnant." That is a weird reality and I kind of avoid that. Even looking at family pics and the Santa visit. it is hard to realize that I would have a son there too.

Overall, I am so happy to be creating new memories and starting new traditions. No matter what, I continue to learn more about myself, my beliefs, and my dreams. I guess that is the point right?

I made the call.....

Since the devastating news from my counselor that she had delivered a stillborn....it took me three months to pick up the phone and call one of the other counselors that she had recommended. I picked out a condolence card at the store and had it sitting the whole time as well. I knew that there was nothing I could wright on that card that would make any difference for her. She would still have no peace from my words.
I wonder why it took me so long to call. I think the biggest reason is that I had to pick up the phone for myself. As the months went by, I realized that my wounds were still there, oozing, and yet I kept going. I knew that losing my counselor really effected me but I wouldn't allow myself to go there. As I sat and met this new counselor, she lifted the layers of this loss and I found myself melting in tears talking about how this news really shaped me. I kept saying that it isn't my loss and I shouldn't be so affected. This woman looked at me and informed me that yes it was yet another death and grief in my life. I not only lost an important confidant, but a major part of my support system.....This was so true and I was so relieved that my feelings about this were justified.
I kept telling her that I was just pissed now. I went on strike from counseling....this makes no sense but I needed to rebel somehow.....
Making the call this time was the responsible thing to do. If I didn't get help for myself then I would be putting my family in jeopardy. I knew I couldn't be effective as a wife or mother or just even doing myself any good. Going and talking to someone proved how true this was. Going for even a few months without counseling proved how good I was at pushing emotion and issues down.
Am I glad I made the call? Yes. Was it easy? No. Would I do it again.....definitely. Sometimes you can't get through this life on your own.