A Year Has Passed.....

A year ago on February 9th 2009 we gave birth to our deceased son.

I can't believe it has been a year already and yet it has seemed like forever.

I have been dreading this date for quite some time. The memories are excruciating.

I am determined to keep you up with "How I am Doing." I don't quite know. I did lose it when St. Joseph Hospital sent a card to us letting us know they are praying for us at this time. I opened it and saw the writing and just lost it. I think it hit me harder than ever that I will always have a void in my heart for that little boy. That healing will never take away the sorrow on some level. It was a hard reality that this wound when it does heal will have a very nasty scar.

The biggest hurdle or wall that I have hit this last year is redefining my relationship with God. There are so many questions and things I do and do not understand. I don't feel that I am fully through the answers to this and another reality is....I don't think I ever will be.

But there are things I have learned. I have learned that tragedy is the defining moment of change. I have changed, my marriage, my parenting and my outlook on life has changed. I knew that I could make a change for the better or worse...it still is a change. I chose to take the hard road and learn from this. More than anything I have decided to be authentic. Authentic in every relationship I have and most importantly with my relationship with God. It is a long road. I have not arrived but am learning every second.

Perhaps the most freeing aspect of this whole thing is that even though I was "raised" with my "religion.".....I was forced through this process to choose my faith. I questioned all along the way why I 'sacrificed' for my faith. Why God didn't spare me this hurt and pain. I wondered what I have done wrong for Him to put this upon me. The truth is.....the world is cruel. My circumstances are not indicative of how 'good' or 'bad' I am. Reality is tragedy will happen to all of us. If you are reading this and it hasn't hit you yet....it will. I can honestly say that just like any relationship, I have had it out with God. I don't have a 'religion', I have a relationship. So why have I stuck this out? Because I have hope. I now know that my circumstances are going to suck sometimes and if I don't have God, I have nothing. Everything good in my life has come from Him. I am so grateful for all of the blessings I have. I know that I can blame Him for my suffering and even question why I follow Him and He still stands with me, next to me, and holds me up. I can't imagine what my life would have looked like this last year without Him.

So if you don't know where you are at in this 'relationship,' I encourage you to think about it. Life will hit......do you want hope?

Thank you so much for all of your support/prayers/love throughout this year.....you are one of Gods blessings to me and my family......

Walking on the Wall

It has taken me awhile to really let my daughter play by herself in the backyard. I decided that it was time for me to let her feel a bit more independent and now I just yell at her asking her if she is ok every two minutes or so.

Today as we played out front, she wanted to climb "the wall." No problem I thought as I held her hand. But now she is two and her favorite phrase is "NO, I do it!" This poses a problem for the loving parent because I imagine her falling and cracking her head open. But after assessing the height of the wall, I realized that she wouldn't fall dangerously far and it would be on grass. Plus she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. So if she fell.... that would be her lesson. The fall would inevitably hurt and she would cry but it was her choice to not take my hand.

As I watched her in the backyard, she started climbing on our planters and jumping off of them to the grass. I started to go out to hold her hand through the whole thing but realized she wouldn't let me even if I tried. It is a harsh reality that your child doesn't want your help. When they want to experience the falls without you protecting them. I was lucky that she didn't fall but I better be prepared for it.

It reminds me of how God must feel about me. Looking at me through the window, giving me independence and knowing the fall is coming. Yet anytime I need help, I can reach out and His hand is there. Just like mine is for MarKay.

So as today is MarKay's birthday, the gift she showed me is mine. Thanks MarKay........and ultimately God for the lesson.

Fresh Fallen Snow

Looking forward to a new year is like looking at fresh fallen snow. Snow doesn't happen in my 'hood' very often but I was blessed to see it over Thanksgiving weekend up at my parents cabin. Opening the curtains of our room after a crazy tumultuous storm the evening before, was absolutely breathtaking and brought tears to my eyes. No blemish in the snow.....no color or tarnish. It was so pure and immaculate.
After looking at the beauty of the snow, we could hardly wait to go out and ruin it! We got our boots on and bundled up. We started to trample all over it, taste it, fall in it and picked it up from its perfection. Although it saddened me a bit to see the snow misplaced and disheveled, I realized that if we never went outside; we would have never experienced one of the best memories for me to date.
As I open the curtain to next year, I see that it is beautiful right now because nothing has happened. Nothing good or bad. It is perfect, pure and immaculate. My choice is whether I frolic and play while disrupting the perfection or stay inside so that I don't "ruin" what it is. I stay inside out of fear of messing up, getting dirty and real.
Whatever I decide, I am ready to kiss this year goodbye. With all of its good and bad and ugly. So much learning has happened and it will continue into the next year. Circumstances haven't been on our side but that doesn't mean next year will be any better. Maybe this year was the tumultuous storm that rages in order to bring the purity that was the next morning. That is the promise, the hope and the possibility of a better year that I hold on to. And that brings tears to my eyes......

Happy New Year everyone.

The holidays

So the holidays are here. I am so grateful that MarKay gets it this year and I can focus on her enjoyment and excitement over the magic of Christmas. Time is now repeating and I can say, "last year at this time I was pregnant." That is a weird reality and I kind of avoid that. Even looking at family pics and the Santa visit. it is hard to realize that I would have a son there too.

Overall, I am so happy to be creating new memories and starting new traditions. No matter what, I continue to learn more about myself, my beliefs, and my dreams. I guess that is the point right?

I made the call.....

Since the devastating news from my counselor that she had delivered a stillborn....it took me three months to pick up the phone and call one of the other counselors that she had recommended. I picked out a condolence card at the store and had it sitting the whole time as well. I knew that there was nothing I could wright on that card that would make any difference for her. She would still have no peace from my words.
I wonder why it took me so long to call. I think the biggest reason is that I had to pick up the phone for myself. As the months went by, I realized that my wounds were still there, oozing, and yet I kept going. I knew that losing my counselor really effected me but I wouldn't allow myself to go there. As I sat and met this new counselor, she lifted the layers of this loss and I found myself melting in tears talking about how this news really shaped me. I kept saying that it isn't my loss and I shouldn't be so affected. This woman looked at me and informed me that yes it was yet another death and grief in my life. I not only lost an important confidant, but a major part of my support system.....This was so true and I was so relieved that my feelings about this were justified.
I kept telling her that I was just pissed now. I went on strike from counseling....this makes no sense but I needed to rebel somehow.....
Making the call this time was the responsible thing to do. If I didn't get help for myself then I would be putting my family in jeopardy. I knew I couldn't be effective as a wife or mother or just even doing myself any good. Going and talking to someone proved how true this was. Going for even a few months without counseling proved how good I was at pushing emotion and issues down.
Am I glad I made the call? Yes. Was it easy? No. Would I do it again.....definitely. Sometimes you can't get through this life on your own.

He Gives and Takes Away

The song "Blessed Be Your Name" has always resonated with me. However, since our loss, I have never been able to get through the song without crying. You will see the lyrics to the song at the end of this post but before you get there....this song is what we quoted in our email to notify everyone of our loss. At the time it seemed perfect, but now it is even more real.
As we grow to fall deeper in love with our daughter, I can't believe how much of a blessing she is. Yet we still grow and grieve in our loss as well.

So.....this last weekend, I was singing at Inland Hills. I got the email that stated the set list. As I'm sure you can suspect, Blessed Be Your Name was on it. I laughed out loud. Of course, how am I supposed to get through this? This further intensified when at rehearsal I found out that I was to sing the first part of this song solo. I immediately wanted to decline but knew that this was no accident. Added to this was the fact that the worship leader was going to speak in the middle of the song about how easy it is to praise God when He gives, but when he takes away is when we must CHOSE to praise Him. Ok really?!? This is too close to home for me.

With many do-overs and really wondering if I could do this, I had to completely surrender to God and have Him use me in my brokenness. I wanted an out but knew that I couldn't take it. This was designed for me. I still haven't made it through that song without shedding a tear but I am OK with that. I shared this with the worship leader; "It is what it is." So thank you God for getting me through it and I can't believe I am saying this but, thank you for the opportunity to lean completely on you.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Choices

Sitting in a sermon, I heard this quote. Tears streamed down my face as it hit me. So hard, so true....

"Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives."
-Choice, by Fredric Flach

Oh my. I don't quire know why it hit so hard. Maybe because I know that I had one of those moments. That what I do from here will determine so much of my life.
I also know that so much of how I respond is a choice. Whether to seek help, count my blessings, and realize that it is a long journey.......I must choose. Choosing anything else will not fulfill. It will only stall any progress, growth or hope that I have. Choosing God through it all isn't always easy. After all, He allowed it....it was His will. I have to choose to believe He protected me through this and that this will is somehow, someway making me better. If I don't believe this, choose to believe.....I have no hope, no rock to hold me up....no foundation. I must choose to have a relationship with Him. Choose to forgive myself and stop trying so hard to be 'better' because I can't. I can just be me. I think that is enough. I must choose to be enough.....that is enough.