Fear is a pretty tricky thing. I think it is the source of how I have lived my life for who knows how long. The "What If" syndrome is debilitating and really prevents me from living life to the fullest.
Someone once asked, "If you had three wishes, what would they be?" Others wanted money, talent, bigger boobs.....
But when it boils down to it, I wish for this:
1. Confidence
Really if I had this, I would be able to do anything. There are very few things I feel confident in.
2. No Fear/Faith
Ok so I am kinda cheating here but wouldn't you say this is connected?
3. Humility
After I believe I can conquer the world, I would only want to fear God and thank Him for all the confidence he gave me =).
Yeah I want bigger boobs too but if I had true confidence, I wouldn't need that. I want to be an amazing singer, but without confidence; I wouldn't believe I was an amazing singer (maybe I don't now). Ah yes, the money factor. Well I believe that money would erase all of our 'problems.' This ultimately is a lie and if you don't believe me, you need to watch "The Curse of Lottery Winners." Although I would love to stay home with my little one. However, who's to say fear isn't keeping me from that even right now? Who knows.
I truly believe that we don't have all these things so that we can choose to trust God. To build our faith through this thing called life. Faith and trusting is not easy.....I have not arrived when it comes to that. Wonder if that will ever happen. It just might be the thing that we will forever strive to have. No fear....faith......freedom.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Even If Your Hands are Shaking....
Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken....
Even as your eyes are closing,
do it with a heart wide open......
-John Mayer
And your faith is broken....
Even as your eyes are closing,
do it with a heart wide open......
-John Mayer
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Dare I Say.....
Dare I say I am laughing more? I mean really laughing. Laughing at my daughter, Jerry and just life in general. Didn't think that would ever happen again. Feels great.
So a death like this can jack up your thoughts on your relationship with God. For instance, prayer. Really I pray what I WANT God to do. I mean I say "whatever you will", but come on....we really don't mean that. Especially when you can't even fathom what His will was in situations like this.
I also automatically think that I have done something wrong. Like not have consistent quality 'quiet times' with Him. I know, I know, it isn't true. But, it is a natural reaction.
So this is funny, I accidentally stole some baby wipes the other day. Yeah they were under my basket and I forgot to put them up to have them checked at the register. When I got to the car, and strapped K in, I realized I forgot to buy them. Well being a good Christian that I am, I didn't go back in, I put them in my car and went home. I then was hoping that I wouldn't get struck by lightning all the way home! Well I didn't and to be honest with you, I don't regret taking them for a second! Sometimes it's good to be bad! I'm happy to report that I don't have a new desire for stealing....it really was an accident! Just another lesson in life! It can be the little things that teach you big things about God.
So a death like this can jack up your thoughts on your relationship with God. For instance, prayer. Really I pray what I WANT God to do. I mean I say "whatever you will", but come on....we really don't mean that. Especially when you can't even fathom what His will was in situations like this.
I also automatically think that I have done something wrong. Like not have consistent quality 'quiet times' with Him. I know, I know, it isn't true. But, it is a natural reaction.
So this is funny, I accidentally stole some baby wipes the other day. Yeah they were under my basket and I forgot to put them up to have them checked at the register. When I got to the car, and strapped K in, I realized I forgot to buy them. Well being a good Christian that I am, I didn't go back in, I put them in my car and went home. I then was hoping that I wouldn't get struck by lightning all the way home! Well I didn't and to be honest with you, I don't regret taking them for a second! Sometimes it's good to be bad! I'm happy to report that I don't have a new desire for stealing....it really was an accident! Just another lesson in life! It can be the little things that teach you big things about God.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Truth Be Told
It is super easy now to tell people that I am in counseling. Well of course, dealing with what we went through, it makes sense. But Truth Be Told, I was in counseling before our loss. I started going November 2008. I was ashamed, embarrassed and I felt that I wasn't a 'good enough' Christian that I couldn't do it on my own. We should be able to pray and have a great relationship with God that we can do all things through Him right? Ok, so that is a lie and I am fully aware of it now.
I began to see my counselor because I was dealing with being a working mom. It was a rather difficult transition for me and the reality is that it just magnified what I was able to mask for so long. I couldn't keep the lid on the boiling pot anymore and wanted to finally face my issues. I knew that it would help me become a better wife, mother and ultimately better for me.
So there you have it...........I'm broken........... Truth Be Told, so are you.
I began to see my counselor because I was dealing with being a working mom. It was a rather difficult transition for me and the reality is that it just magnified what I was able to mask for so long. I couldn't keep the lid on the boiling pot anymore and wanted to finally face my issues. I knew that it would help me become a better wife, mother and ultimately better for me.
So there you have it...........I'm broken........... Truth Be Told, so are you.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Why start now?
So now that you all have the history (if not, read "The Beginning"), I wanted to give you a little insight into 'why' I decided to write a blog.
First of all, shouldn't we all have a blog about how we are doing....really? I don't think we are ever really honest about it!
On our trip to Montana, Jer was playing a gig there and we got to take the family. Many people asked if MarKay was our only child, or if we were planning on having more children. Jer and I decided that we wanted to include our baby boy into our family and felt that we should honor his life with him being apart of us, because we will never forget him or ever disregard him. Well, in telling complete strangers about our loss, it occurred to me that some of the information I was sharing, many of my closest friends did not know nor ask of me. I felt that it wasn't right that you all wouldn't know the good, bad and ugly but complete strangers were getting that piece of me. So there you have it.....
Now the big question....Are we going to try again? Do we want another child? This is a complicated question. Our plan was to always have two children.....and we have. We in no way feel "ready" or "healed." My hesitation is in dealing with the pain and not trying to cover it up with another child. I want to make sure if we bring another child in this world, it is in a healthy manner....as healthy as possible of course. I know that I won't be healed in time.....I think there will always be a hole in my heart for my son. So the bottom line is that we are still praying about the child situation. Not sure if I have an answer to that. But if/when it does happen, I will need so many prayers......fear fills my body just thinking about it.
God and I have a long way to go too.....If you are experiencing darkness and having a hard time with your relationship with God, I recommend "Streams In The Dessert." It was been so great for me (Thank you Chrissy). I find myself really enjoying the content and not scoffing at it as I feel I have for awhile. I'm learning that it is ok to be mad at God, something I can say I've never allowed myself to be. It sucks. Hope that ends soon.
Well, that's it for now.
First of all, shouldn't we all have a blog about how we are doing....really? I don't think we are ever really honest about it!
On our trip to Montana, Jer was playing a gig there and we got to take the family. Many people asked if MarKay was our only child, or if we were planning on having more children. Jer and I decided that we wanted to include our baby boy into our family and felt that we should honor his life with him being apart of us, because we will never forget him or ever disregard him. Well, in telling complete strangers about our loss, it occurred to me that some of the information I was sharing, many of my closest friends did not know nor ask of me. I felt that it wasn't right that you all wouldn't know the good, bad and ugly but complete strangers were getting that piece of me. So there you have it.....
Now the big question....Are we going to try again? Do we want another child? This is a complicated question. Our plan was to always have two children.....and we have. We in no way feel "ready" or "healed." My hesitation is in dealing with the pain and not trying to cover it up with another child. I want to make sure if we bring another child in this world, it is in a healthy manner....as healthy as possible of course. I know that I won't be healed in time.....I think there will always be a hole in my heart for my son. So the bottom line is that we are still praying about the child situation. Not sure if I have an answer to that. But if/when it does happen, I will need so many prayers......fear fills my body just thinking about it.
God and I have a long way to go too.....If you are experiencing darkness and having a hard time with your relationship with God, I recommend "Streams In The Dessert." It was been so great for me (Thank you Chrissy). I find myself really enjoying the content and not scoffing at it as I feel I have for awhile. I'm learning that it is ok to be mad at God, something I can say I've never allowed myself to be. It sucks. Hope that ends soon.
Well, that's it for now.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Beginning
As I wrote that title, I felt that it is kind of ironic that I call it the 'Beginning' when it really is the end of a life. For those of you that don't know, Jerry and I lost our son on February 9, 2009. I was five and a half months pregnant. Here is the story:
Jerry and I didn't find out we were pregnant until I was already 17 weeks along. It was quite the surprise and we were very nervous about having a second child so soon. Jer and I decided to find out what we were having, we found out on New Years Eve that we were having a boy. Excitement started stirring as we imagined the life we would have with our new addition.
My appointments were monthly so I didn't see the doctor for another four weeks after the ultra-sound. Everything was showing great signs of growth and development.
As the doctor came in, I was telling her how we didn't know I was pregnant for so long and we couldn't believe it. She continued to examine me and was looking for his heartbeat. She couldn't find it but said there was nothing to worry about and she would order an ultra-sound to double check.
The hours after that were excruciating and full of pleading prayers. The next day I went to have an ultrasound in which the technician could not reveal any information. I had the ultrasound at about 1pm and didn't have a phone call until 4pm that evening. My doctor called and gave me the devastating news that our son did not have a heartbeat and was no longer with us. She also informed us that it looked as if he hadn't lived past 17 weeks which meant that he was gone for over a month inside of me.
Sadness immediately took over and I fell to the ground. The next question was, "What next?" She then informed me that I would have to deliver my dead son. Fear immediately filled me. I didn't know what that meant or how I would feel emotionally or physically. Not only that but I would have to wait two days to go to the delivery room.
Many tears and sorrow followed those two days. Many questions and the desire to "get it over with" filled my soul. I couldn't be alone because of the fear. I didn't sleep much and I started to wonder 'why.'
It was such an amazing beautiful day on my way to deliver my son. I couldn't believe how blue the sky was and how sparkling the sun was on that day. I was mad, I wanted it to be stormy, thundering, ugly, because that is how I felt.
It was so wrong to be in a hallway of the hospital that was delivering beginnings. Yet I was there to deliver an end to something. An end to a life, a dream, a hope. Happiness buzzed in that place. It was so ironic that I had been there delivering life a year ago and now I was delivering death.
I started on the pain and inducing medication at 6pm on February 8th. The nurses let me know that I could have an epidural at any point. I was measuring my pain based on having my daughter a year earlier. I was hoping this would be as fast as possible. As six hours went by, I realized that this would not be as fast as we all had hoped. My mom, Jer and even my dad were sleeping with me through the night. Pain increased as my water broke at four in the morning. I was thinking that it would be another six hours after my water broke before he would come, but it was two hours later when I felt the need for the epidural. The order was put in. As the anaesthesiologist was proceeding with the epidural, I knew that he was coming. Unsure of what to do, the anaesthesiologist, continued with the procedure and our son was born in the middle of the procedure.
We got to see him and hold him. He was so tiny and I already could tell that he was going to look like Jerry. It was such a great moment to meet him, even though he wasn't there.
I was so grateful that it was 'over.' Little did I know that this was 'The Beginning.' The beginning of something. Something horrible, painful, and graceful. Something bigger than myself.......
Jerry and I didn't find out we were pregnant until I was already 17 weeks along. It was quite the surprise and we were very nervous about having a second child so soon. Jer and I decided to find out what we were having, we found out on New Years Eve that we were having a boy. Excitement started stirring as we imagined the life we would have with our new addition.
My appointments were monthly so I didn't see the doctor for another four weeks after the ultra-sound. Everything was showing great signs of growth and development.
As the doctor came in, I was telling her how we didn't know I was pregnant for so long and we couldn't believe it. She continued to examine me and was looking for his heartbeat. She couldn't find it but said there was nothing to worry about and she would order an ultra-sound to double check.
The hours after that were excruciating and full of pleading prayers. The next day I went to have an ultrasound in which the technician could not reveal any information. I had the ultrasound at about 1pm and didn't have a phone call until 4pm that evening. My doctor called and gave me the devastating news that our son did not have a heartbeat and was no longer with us. She also informed us that it looked as if he hadn't lived past 17 weeks which meant that he was gone for over a month inside of me.
Sadness immediately took over and I fell to the ground. The next question was, "What next?" She then informed me that I would have to deliver my dead son. Fear immediately filled me. I didn't know what that meant or how I would feel emotionally or physically. Not only that but I would have to wait two days to go to the delivery room.
Many tears and sorrow followed those two days. Many questions and the desire to "get it over with" filled my soul. I couldn't be alone because of the fear. I didn't sleep much and I started to wonder 'why.'
It was such an amazing beautiful day on my way to deliver my son. I couldn't believe how blue the sky was and how sparkling the sun was on that day. I was mad, I wanted it to be stormy, thundering, ugly, because that is how I felt.
It was so wrong to be in a hallway of the hospital that was delivering beginnings. Yet I was there to deliver an end to something. An end to a life, a dream, a hope. Happiness buzzed in that place. It was so ironic that I had been there delivering life a year ago and now I was delivering death.
I started on the pain and inducing medication at 6pm on February 8th. The nurses let me know that I could have an epidural at any point. I was measuring my pain based on having my daughter a year earlier. I was hoping this would be as fast as possible. As six hours went by, I realized that this would not be as fast as we all had hoped. My mom, Jer and even my dad were sleeping with me through the night. Pain increased as my water broke at four in the morning. I was thinking that it would be another six hours after my water broke before he would come, but it was two hours later when I felt the need for the epidural. The order was put in. As the anaesthesiologist was proceeding with the epidural, I knew that he was coming. Unsure of what to do, the anaesthesiologist, continued with the procedure and our son was born in the middle of the procedure.
We got to see him and hold him. He was so tiny and I already could tell that he was going to look like Jerry. It was such a great moment to meet him, even though he wasn't there.
I was so grateful that it was 'over.' Little did I know that this was 'The Beginning.' The beginning of something. Something horrible, painful, and graceful. Something bigger than myself.......
Here We Go....
Ok so I have been avoiding this for quite some time. Even as I type, I have left the computer several times and thought about how to do this.
"How I am Doing...Really" is meant to be honest, real, and vulnerable. It is not meant to help anyone, get attention, or make you think that I am more important than I really am. It is just to tell you "how I am doing.....really"
The next post will be called "The Beginning." This post will let you know "what happened" to me and our family and how I have been since. Although I am in the shadows of darkness, I do feel that it is "The Beginning" of something. I have no idea what, but I know that I am journey-ing there.
I realized that this is an avenue for those of you who don't know 'what to say', or how to say it. Or those of you who ask others, "How is Erin...really?" I understand that there is no way I could really tell you how I am in a short amount of time, and I realize that you really want to know. So here you go. You can keep up with it or not, it is really me.......
"How I am Doing...Really" is meant to be honest, real, and vulnerable. It is not meant to help anyone, get attention, or make you think that I am more important than I really am. It is just to tell you "how I am doing.....really"
The next post will be called "The Beginning." This post will let you know "what happened" to me and our family and how I have been since. Although I am in the shadows of darkness, I do feel that it is "The Beginning" of something. I have no idea what, but I know that I am journey-ing there.
I realized that this is an avenue for those of you who don't know 'what to say', or how to say it. Or those of you who ask others, "How is Erin...really?" I understand that there is no way I could really tell you how I am in a short amount of time, and I realize that you really want to know. So here you go. You can keep up with it or not, it is really me.......
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