Whispers of God

Whispers of God

It all started one afternoon.  The girls were frolicking in the yard behind our apartment and I sat just basking in the sun enjoying the blessings of my life when along came a butterfly.  It was flitting around, dancing all around me on the bench. It was in that moment that I felt like all my kids were there dancing, enjoying the amazingly beautiful day.  I sat and enjoyed them all.

When we first lost our son, we sent out an email notifying everyone what had happened.    I can't remember how I came across this poem but I do remember sending it out:

Butterfly

A Symbol of Hope
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed…
We feel lucky to have seen it.

Unknown


I've never been able to see a butterfly the same. But this summer;  this summer is, well.... rare. Every second I leave my door, there it is, a beautiful flittering butterfly, often more than one.  If I'm throwing out trash, there it is....taking out the dog, there it is.

I have had the most incredible urge to catch it or have it land on something long enough for me to capture a picture and to try and grasp its essence.  To have something to look at and to remind me of it, to keep it close.

My new obsession was to try and snap a picture of the butterfly.  I found myself throwing the trash away and rushing back in to get my phone.  When the  butterfly would land, I would have  to sneak up to get a closer shot.  As I crept forward, off it would fly and I disappointedly have to wait for another opportunity.  Days would go by with many failed attempts of trying to get a glimpse to burn forever in my memory.

It took several attempts for me to get a picture.  I finally did.  But every time I look at it, it doesn't do the moment justice.

I don't get the same feeling as I do seeing it float like a messenger from above, the joy and presence it brings with it cannot be replaced.  I realized its not the butterfly that is so impressive to me, but the timing of its presence.  Like little whispers from the Father He says, "I remember. I do not forget you or your suffering." Like rays of heaven they meet me and I can't help but smile knowing this is no accident.

Sure, I can capture a glimpse and a moment just like I had captured my moment with Jerin. It reminds me of being pregnant with him.....knowing he was flitting around in the womb, watching him on the ultrasound twitch and move all over the place.  And when I held him in my arms I remembered begging myself to always remember that moment, to burn it in my heart forever....but all I have now is stagnant memories.

The recent flutters of these butterflies have stirred a great movement in my soul.  One of joy and of remembrance.  I come in from a surprise encounter with these flying angels often with tears in my eyes because of the sudden presence of him all over again.  But I also am touched by the sweetness of God, the gentle reminders from Him of His immense love for me.  He knows my heart here on Earth will always have a place for my son that will never be filled, yet He pursues me with His creation and for a second I feel complete.  And in all honesty.....it brings me hope and a renewed spirit in Christ.  I forget so quickly how much Christ adores me and blesses me, and I am reminded in the  quiet motion of a butterfly.

Oh how I don't want it to end.  I know the summer days will fade and the bitter cold of Winter will come.  The surprise whispers will fade and I will lose sight of these glimpses of heaven.  I will have pictures and memories but will live to see another summer of the butterflies.

But for now I "Feel Lucky to have seen it."  I feel like the only girl in the world who gets to see this "glory" in this way.  Because I get a whisper from God that no one else does and I keep it and guard it with my heart.  I lift my face up to the heavens with gratitude and hope.  I may even wish for a chance for one to land on me just long enough so I can hold it before it flutters away just like my Jerin.

So I thank you God for remembering me, for giving me glimpses of your Glory in the smallest of things.  For sending down my son for a visit now and then and the glimpses I get to see of him.  Thank you for loving me so, beyond what I will ever know.  I love your whispers of grace and love, may I treasure them forever until we meet again.

In searching for the above poem, I found this next one and couldn't help but feel moved by its words.  I feel it captures the essence of this post and all I am feeling as of now.

Messenger of God

Oh, Little Butterfly,
Messenger of God,
When I see you in the sky
I cannot help but nod.
You bring me respite
From grief and despair
Every time I see you
Sailing through the air.
You renew my faith
In all God’s wondrous plan,
And I know it’s all in FAITH,
Not in what I understand.

Kathryn Poland

When Personal Becomes Professional

When Personal Becomes Professional

Lately something has been happening and I can't say that I like it so much.  My worlds are starting to collide, to converge, to come together in such a way I'm starting to really laugh at the irony of it all. Looking back over the 10 years of teaching I've had, I can see a trend.....I can keep my professional and personal lives pretty separate.  Of course there are things that naturally overlap like relationships, my beliefs system, and the nature of who I am; but for the most part work has been a place that I can put in its own category.

The role of a teacher has been a comfortable one for me.  I know that this is the case because the position has a sense of control....I love feeling like I'm in control.  I love knowing what's coming next and sailing through the plans of my day like the captain. Little things may throw me off course here and there but the majority of the time, I'm at the helm batting down the hatches.

Just like my students, I thrive in routine and knowing what comes next.  I love the time frames of each day and knowing exactly when my breaks are.  I have become accustomed to this position and title and I truly love and embrace all that it has to offer.

I also love to explore the new "lands" of teaching.  To reach beyond myself and navigate  to unknown waters.  I challenge myself to always evolve and grow and it keeps my job fresh and new......I have found it to be quite a passion of mine.

Over the last year I have been experimenting with a new set of standards that completely changes the way I have been teaching for 10 years.  I picked it up quickly from the moment I saw an example and have slowly re-vamped my teaching across all subject areas.  The results have been indescribable and have ignited a fire and desire to continue on this path.

One trend that has been overtly obvious to me is the fact that the control factor has started to shift and change in a way that has been uncomfortable yet refreshing.  My classroom became a new adventure and a place of treasure hunting for me.....I am loving this process.

One day an opportunity arose that challenged me beyond my abilities.  Sure I had willingly soared through this uncharted land on my own....with the door closed.....I was free to experiment without fear, without scrutiny.  Everything was going great when I was able to fail.

I got the email late Monday evening asking if I would be willing to have our local paper come to take pictures and see a lesson using this new strategy and standards. Of course I was willing!  Eager and excited I sat down to devise my amazing lesson.  Slowly I was realizing that I could only plan so much before losing my "control" over to my students.  It was a struggle, one that I was fighting with this new way of teaching.  I would become facilitator and teach through their discoveries.  I knew very well that this lesson had a very high possibility of not going the way "I wanted it to."


And there it was, it dawned on me, I had to be vulnerable and authentic in the eyes of the reporter....I had to show a lesson that could "fail" or could be epic......either option wasn't in my control.  I had to take a "risk," and be free to make mistakes.  I had to let go and be OK with the outcome.  As I pondered all these things, I realized that these are the foundational pieces I have had to build my classroom on.

I worked on creating an environment where my students try, fail, and build perseverance.  I've had to make the curriculum challenging where they may not know exactly "how," but they have confidence in the process.

So here I was, in the same boat.  I knew, if I don't take this risk, if I'm not real, if I fake my way through this lesson....then I will fail.  I will fail what I stand for, I will fail in my determination, I will fail beyond the credibility of my lesson but the very core of who I am.  I will be a hypocrite.

After this realization, I felt great, I slept great, and for the first time in a long time, I surrendered this to God. I knew that I was ready and willing to fail, even if it cost me the facade of perfection.  I felt secure in being vulnerable and authentic.  I was ready to be real in this setting, to surrender myself and my agenda and "let go."

So the fateful day came, I did my lesson and the student rose to the challenge and performed great; not by me or through me, but on their own, wrestling and excitedly diving into the lesson, and grasping the concept. I had fun, they had fun.

The reporter then started interviewing me on this new set of standards.  I admitted that I really had no idea where the lesson would go, the students wrote down their own words and I had no idea what word they even wrote.  I said, "I have to be vulnerable in these kinds of lessons, letting go of control and letting the students guide the lesson.  It's hard but it's also amazing."

The article was on the front page of the Sunday paper.  I cried.  Not because of some sort of accomplishment on my part but more about the reality that authenticity is taking over.......everything.  It's not always comfortable but it's my reality and I'm learning to embrace it.  It's clear that this is a life lesson for me and a way that is taking over all the categories of my life.  Surrendering to it is becoming a blessing, it's becoming my norm, it's becoming my friend.

So thank you authenticity for tearing me up and ripping through every area of my life.  You suck sometimes but ultimately I appreciate that everyone can relate to you.....even the teacher in me.

In God I Trust?

When it comes to taking a long trip, I'm the kind of girl that likes to get to my destination.  Right at the beginning I think, "I'll feel better once I get there."  I like to know where I'm going and the agenda on how to get there.  It's hard for me to sit back and enjoy the ride.  I hate delayed flights and unexpected bumps in the road.  I force myself to look out the window and "take it all in," even though I'm grinding my teeth the whole time while white knuckling the arm rests as we hit turbulence and buckle our seat belts.


I'll never forget getting the news that my son was dead inside me and having to wait two days before I could deliver him......I couldn't wait to finally deliver him and get it over with.  The anticipation was horrifying, the fear of what was to come or how I was going to feel was sickening.  I hardly ate or slept because I just didn't know what was to come.  I remember finally holding him in my arms, and then being moved to the "trauma" floor thinking, "I'm so glad that's over, now I can move on."  Even then I wanted to move from point A to point Z. Little did I know that my emotional recovery would continue for years after that day.

I fight the recovery process.  I am in a tug-o-war with myself.  On one side it's me, trying to find the "answer" and "fix" everything wrong with me......on the other side, it's me; surrendering to the process and "enjoying the ride." Back and forth I go, it's been a good 4 years of this and recently I'm hitting a layer that's pretty substantial.  This layer of my onion (refer to "the onion" post) is deep.  I've been dealing with it for awhile.  I know that this layer is thick and has been buried for quite some time.  It can be crippling and paralyzing, it stifles my creativity and I somewhat go into "survival mode" as I grapple with it.

This layer, this next step to my core has a name......trust.

As a self-proclaimed control freak I'm realizing that trust is probably something I have never really had.  I'm a pretty independent girl with a decent head on my shoulders.....I tend to take life on.  I'm responsible and driven, I research and put effort into every decision I make.  Slowly I have stared to lose trust unknowingly, falling prey to my efforts as if somehow I can control everything.


 I know the pot boiled over 4 years ago when I lost my son.  What I mean is....I couldn't keep a lid on all the normal "ish" I dealt with from day to day....it was boiling over and couldn't be ignored.  But this particular layer snuck up on me.  I started fearing irrational things more frequently.  I have lost sleep, planning and battling for the worst case scenario.

Embarrassed I brought these fears before my counselor afraid she would lock me up for my absurdity.  Inquisitively she asked, "If these things really did happen, what do you fear the most?"  Tears filled up my eyes and streamed down my face, I knew exactly what I feared but I was ashamed to admit it.  "I fear God won't take care of me....but worse, I fear He won't protect my girls."

It's still hard to admit.......I don't trust Him.

Of course it "makes sense"after-all, I lost a child.  But the deeper reality is I can't say I ever really did trust God.

The layer is peeled, the reality is there and now I want to do something about it. I have been determined, focused, and on a mission to trust Him.  I WANT to trust God, I NEED to trust God......it's broken right now and I want to fix it.

What's wrong with me?  I trust the stop light to work, as much as I trust my husbands word, and as much as I know the Fall season will bring back my favorite TV shows (and football). I trust that I will have my job the next day, and when I flip a switch on my wall, the light will turn on.

And there it is.....I trust a bazillion other things more than the One that gives me another day of life.  It's frustrating, and maddening.... I throw temper tantrums over it.

There isn't a "How-to Trust God for Dummies" book out there for me to read.  There isn't a clear A to Z step by step instructions in the Bible on how to trust God......it just tells us to.  There are plenty of examples in the Bible of those who trusted and those who didn't that I can strive to be more like or avoid.  As I go through these examples I'm realizing every story is different, unique to that person; their trials, relationships, and places in life are pieces to a bigger puzzle .....it. is. A. journey.

Well crap.....I hate journeys.  And because of that, I'm not expecting to enjoy this ride or even come to a final destination of complete trust.  But I am realizing that this journey is unique to me....my layers are like my own fingerprint.  And maybe trusting isn't doing but simply being. Maybe it's admitting that I don't trust that puts me in the arena.

So what do I do now?  Well, I'm not going to pretend or lie that the process through this is all roses.  I will have white knuckles, I will clinch my teeth and probably will be delayed along the way. But more importantly I will do my part in this trust relationship....I will be myself, resign to the fact I can't do anything on my own and remain in Christ. And hopefully at some point I can look out the window along the way and finally "enjoy the ride."

Humanity and Abandon

Humanity and Abandon

Over the last five years of my life my sole purpose has been to find/search/wrestle with authenticity.  In a world that teaches us that we need to be "perfect" or it tells us it's OK to cover-up our imperfections.....it's been a real challenge.  It's easy to blame society or "this day in age," but I've come across a woman in the Bible who is beautifully authentic and speaks so deeply to me.....Mary of Bethany.

We first find her in Luke 10.  Jesus is stopping at her home with her sister Martha.  Martha is the perfectionist and wants everything perfect for her Lord.  She is busy preparing things, cleaning, cooking, doing everything imaginable to make things presentable and worthy for Jesus' visit.  When he comes, Martha continues to serve and work diligently to make him comfortable.  Mary on the other hand is described as "sitting at the Lord's feet listening to what he said." Martha, being the big sister she is, complained to Jesus and asking him to tell Mary to start helping her.....after all, she was just sitting there.  I loved how Jesus responded, " Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her."

Mary knew how to have an authentic relationship with Jesus.  She knew how to put the "things" of this world that mattered to the eyes of others, and she abandoned them to sit at the feet of The Lord.  It was very controversial for her to sit at the feet of Jesus.  In "that day and age," sitting there, listening to him was considered a place of a disciple; a woman in that position was unheard of.  She was accepted as a disciple in His eyes.  He was her teacher, her friend, her everything.  She was soaking in every word he said, getting to know him on every level.  I'm sure they laughed and told stories, living life together.  She did choose what was better.....a relationship. Instead of getting wrapped up in perfection, she was herself, pure, and authentic.

The next time we see Mary, she is at the tomb of her dead brother Lazarus. When. Jesus heard of Lazarus' death, he came to the scene.  When Mary met him she falls at his feet saying,  "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." And then she cried, and cried, and cried.  And Jesus cried too..... with her.

Oh how she speaks to me.  I love how human she was here.  She wasn't afraid to be herself.....to tell the truth. She knew this was Jesus.....the one.....and she still was authentic in her pain and suffering.  She wasn't afraid to question him, to show him her disappointment and her grief at his absence.  So many times I find myself holding back my humanity.  I change my prayers to be more "appropriate" or "fit for a King." I hold back the dark and real parts of me as if I'm protecting God from it.  But really, I'm protecting myself from being raw and vulnerable.  Mary shows me that while she has her quiet moments of sitting at his feet, she also had her vulnerable moments of    admitting, "Where the heck were you!?"

 After this, we see her in John 12 anointing Jesus' feet with expensive perfume:

"Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, "Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages." He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.

"Leave her alone," Jesus replied. "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”

— John 12:1-8, New International Version

Here I love how Mary shows complete abandon.  She doesn't hesitate in her actions.  She doesn't question Jesus, "hey, do you think I should save this for something more important?" Or, "am I going to need this later on?" No, she gives herself over to the cause.....no matter what anyone says.....no matter what the future holds.

I see this and even chuckle at my hesitancy in this world.  Even when it comes to giving things over to The Lord, I question and hesitate.  Sometimes even after knowing and hearing that "still small voice," I sit on it.....fear.....worry.  I wait and pray that extra long time in order to solidify my comfort.  But Mary knew she would face negative talk. She knew she might need this expensive perfume for the future, she knew that Jesus was the Son of God.....she had seen him raise her brother from the tomb.  That's all she needed.  Complete surrender and trust over to her King......her friend.

This wasn't just a man to Mary, it was her Savior.  She shows me a true authentic relationship with God that I can say I've never really had.  Since reading about her I hear my prayers becoming more human.....I see myself abandoning the things that really don't matter.....seeing the feet of Jesus and throwing myself on my knees in all of my humanity.  It's here that I know when I weep, when I question, when I'm myself.....He meets me there.  He weeps with me....He knows me....He's my friend.....He's my Savior.

Power of Perspective

As Mother's Day approaches and passes I often love looking at this role I have.....mother.  I have a great mom whom I think I appreciated fairly well throughout my years with her but nothing prepared me for my most challenging role..... becoming a mother myself.  It has been through this process that I have a new, greater understanding and honor towards my own mom. I now see and experience everything she went through and sacrifices she made for me.

Lately I've been questioning my role as an adequate mom as I'm sure every mom has at some point (or many points) on this motherhood journey.  When I come to something especially difficult, I go to my mom, or other moms for advice, for help, or just for a sense of feeling "normal."

I treasure these times because It redeems my trust and faith in my abilities to be a mom but it also gives me perspective.  Sometimes the sleepless nights, countless messes, temper tantrums, and whiny voices are just too much to give me a "bigger picture."  I remember when my first child was a newborn, I felt like the days were eternally long and my life wasn't my own.....it seemed like it would last forever.  Now five years later, I have perspective, I know this time will fly by.  And even though I went through it a second time, I found myself forgetting.  So I'm always happy to offer perspective to newer moms in their sleepless days because I remember.

Perspective is a treasure, a breath of fresh air, and a weight lifted off your shoulders.

Around this Mothers Day I have been constantly thinking about the greatest Mother of the Bible, Mary mother of Jesus.  Her journey and story teaches me so many things about being a mom.

She starts as a young lady learning from an angel that she will bear the son of God.  She isn't married, she is shunned, laughed at, and exiled because of it.  She had to explain to her betrothed and hoped that he would stick arounYou

She then traveled to Bethlehem very pregnant, on a donkey....delivered the Son of God in a barn without any other woman there to help her.  Soon after she had to flee because the King was killing all male babies.....

Then she raised a sinless child.  He threw tantrums because he was angry, he cried real tears when he was sad, and he saw every one of her failures as she looked into the eyes of God.

Then at 33 years he traveled the land loving on everyone telling them the Good News.  She worried as she heard the rumors of hatred, she filled with pride at the cheers, and cried at every stage of his journey.

She then had to endure the beating and suffering of the cross.  Watching her son being crushed right before her eyes.  The son she bore, she raised, she loved unconditionally.

She wasn't superhuman.  She was a mom, a normal loving, caring, "want what's best" mom.  And the thing that strikes me the most about her is she had no perspective.  No other person could tell her it would be ok, no one else housed the Son of God.  No one knew how to raise a family in which one of them never sinned, no one knew how vulnerable it was to live knowing the eyes of God were upon every decision, mistake, and misstep she made.  No one could hand her a Bible and say, it's OK.....He wins.

I wish I could hear her prayers throughout her life.  Her cries out to God of her  unworthiness.  The doubts, the fears, the anger......the trust.  You see, Mary taught me that when life offers no perspective, trusting in God is the only hope to hold on to.

Some days I have trust like the Mary did after the angel visited her telling her she was chosen to carry his son.  Or when she laughed with him as a toddler and rejoiced in his first steps.  Or on the days when she saw the miracles, and saw him love beyond politics, creed, or law.  Or when she saw the empty tomb and His nailed scarred hands.

And some days when there is no perspective and what seems like no hope, I'm like the Mary when she was shunned by her own friends, birthed in a stable alone, ran for her son's life in the wilderness, watched her son be ridiculed, torn, and broken.  And during those long, dark, and hopeless 3 days when her son lay in a tomb, dead, like her, I'm just barely breathing out prayers of pleas, mercy, and grace.

I'm looking at her story and I realize that God used her to give me perspective.  Because of her willingness, her sacrifice, her obedience.....I can open the Word and find  peace, answers, and unconditional love.  This love is from a God who gives me His love no matter where I am.  I may have all the perspective in the world and trust Him so tightly and He loves me. Or, I might be full of anxiety and fear because of my lack of trust and perspective and He still loves me.

I'm grateful God decided to use a mom to bring his son into the world.  She offers unconditional love, sacrifice, and would do anything for her child.  She is a reflection of the heart of our Savior.  His perfect plan involved the heart of a young woman who was willing, imperfect and who would be herself throughout the whole journey.  She believed and never stopped.  She showed me that not everything in this life needs to have an answer.  Sometimes I will never have perspective.  But I do have God.  I believe He is the same yesterday as He is today. He is the same God to Mary as He is to me. That is truly astounding and comforting......I pray to never lose that perspective.

Sadness

I don't like being sad. No really, it's so bad that I will avoid sad movies and if I do happen to watch them I will never watch them again.  In fact I really liked the movie Moulin Rouge so we ended up owning it.  As we sat snuggled up on the couch watching it for the second time, I got up and turned it off 3/4 of the way through.  Bewildered my husband asked, "What the heck is going on!?" " It's sad from here on out, so if you wanna finish it, go for it.  I'm out," I said.  And it continued, Shakespeare in Love was another "turn off before it gets sad" movie.  In fact, every time we look to rent or watch a movie, my hubby will read the potential list I yell out "SAD" on the ones that will not be seen that evening.

At first it was funny, maybe a personal preference, but as I've been on this crazy journey I'm realizing that it is a deep-seeded pattern in my life.....I don't like sadness.  After losing my son I was sad.  I didn't like it.  I didn't like making others sad hearing about it.  I didn't like to admit that sadness had settled into my soul so deep that it couldn't be thwarted.  Normally I would fill this sadness hole with things that made me happy.  Music, TV, reading happy things, and most importantly; finding people to join my "pity party for one" all in the name of making myself feel better.  I would justify my sadness by treating myself to things.  I would say something like, "I deserve this ice cream" to brighten my day, or "I could use this pair of shoes".......

But nothing worked....it was beyond my cover-up efforts.

When I'm sad its bad, but what's worse is when I cause sadness in someone else.  I just can't stand it.  If you know me, I'm the first to apologize in an argument. It's easier for me to take the blame than to keep someone sad.  Especially if I know I caused any part of the sadness, it's faster to apologize than to work through it (oh I've learned this is not the case either).

Well..... all this went out the window when I had kids.  I'm well aware that my girls will be sad.  Not only that, but they will be sad about stupid things. No offense, but things that really don't matter.....shows, phone rules, not spending the night at their friends house, what clothes they wear, and it goes on. I'm already seeing it now and I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I mean, I don't like it when they are sad but I know it's going to happen so.......?

So.......I must deal with sadness.  It seems easy enough but when I've been avoiding it in myself and in others for so long it seems impossible.  When life hits and deals an unimaginable tragedy, sadness stares you in the face and dares you to try and cover it up.  I had to admit this deep-seeded truth.....I don't like sadness.

When I look around me I see a lot of others who don't like sadness either.  We are an insanely addictive bunch....alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, shopping, and eating (or not)......all to avoid dealing with sad.

So here I was....dealing.  I knew the situation was too great to cover up, my own efforts were not cutting it.  My prayers and quiet times were comforting for the moment but small circumstances would knock me off balance and into the sadness spiral all over again.  The hardest part for me was admitting I needed help. I mean, I am a Christian.....I don't need anyone but God....if if that doesn't work than its because my efforts aren't good enough.

See the problem with being sad is that it's ok to be sad. Even though I was not ok with being sad, I had to learn how to be sad.  It was so difficult for me to cry when I felt it......no matter how silly it was.  I struggled to not cover it up but to sit and process it.  I learned that God did not say Perfect Christians are not sad, but he joins me in my sadness and holds me through it just as I cradle my crying two-year old when she falls.    Jesus was sad and cried when He was here on Earth, he didn't avoid the emotion but embraced it as a real authentic part of this life.

Shame wanted to keep sadness from working itself out.....pride wanted to keep my soul from freeing itself from the chains that bind me.......Satan wants me to believe I'm not good enough....... I needed help.  My counselor, my family, my friends.....this was a battle beyond my own abilities and I needed an army.  Although I felt like a failure because I couldn't do it on my own (because I felt I should be able too since I have God) the reality is, God equipped  me with an amazing army here on Earth........plenty of help.

The truth is I will always deal with sadness, it's unavoidable in this life.  I will make others sad with my actions, they will make me sad too.  My girls will be sad about stupid things.  What better way to speak to them through this real emotion, to empathize with their sadness because it is authentic.  To not try and protect them from it by buying them an ice cream to cover it up.....but also to show them my sadness and that it's OK to feel it.

I truly believe going to battle by myself would have been a huge mistake.  Asking for help was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  But I know I'm living a fuller, freer, authentic  life because of sadness and what it has taught me.

10 Things To Never Say......

10 Things To Never Say To A Hurting Person

I start by saying that this list has been created through my own life experiences.  After losing my son, I had to process through the many pieces of "wisdom and advice" I received.  In fact it has taken me four years to sort through what I can deem as "unhelpful."  The hardest part about doing this is knowing where these comments come from and why people are saying them. I'm grateful that time and my growth on this journey has revealed to me what to accept and what to reject.  This is a record (in no particular order) of my own experiences and opinions through these last four years.  What not to say........



How are you doing?

It isn't the question that is the problem.....it's the reaction to my answer.  After deciding to be authentic I knew I was rough around the edges.  I was honest and raw,sometimes too much.  But it was the truth and it was hard to handle for others.  Pain is very hard and awkward for someone else to process so the best advice I can give about this one is this: if you're going to ask it, be OK with the answer. Be OK with the real, raw and harsh......it's where we're at.

Time heals all wounds

This one has been hard for me.  Although I want to get through this hell as quickly as possible.....I never want to forget my son.  Losing a loved one is so heartbreaking, I never want time to somehow distance me from my son.  I never want to forget or cover up what he has meant to me,even the pain.

Everything happens for a reason

This is what I call "the circle of life" piece of wisdom.  You know, nature has a way of working things out.  Life and death is a part of the circle......you just have to accept it.

I know how you feel......

Here is where people tried to tell me they understand what I was going through because of something they or someone they knew experienced. I appreciated the effort in trying to relate but 9 out of 10 times they had no idea how I felt because they didn't go through exactly what I did.  I heard countless miscarriage stories and I hated comparing situations but......I did.  For me it just created comparisons and it minimized my hurt, pain and suffering.


Say nothing

This one is the worst!  I realize no one wants to be the reason behind a mental breakdown but I experienced this one the most.  Ignoring the elephant in the room can't be comfortable for anyone.

God is testing you or teaching you a lesson

This one is tough.  First it implies that I have done something wrong or not "listened" to God so he must do something to get my attention or "teach" me a lesson I couldn't have learned any other way.  For four years this is the single issue and question I have wrestled over.  Although I can write a whole other article on my thoughts about this.....I do believe this is no one's business whether it true or not.

God doesn't give you more than you can handle

This truth is often used to gain strength, but it became a source of weakness for me.  As I struggled to get out of bed and disengaged myself from any meaningful activities, I thought," you should be able to handle this.....remember God doesn't give you more than you can handle."  I started to feel weak....weak physically and in Spirit.  I wanted to conquer this, I wanted to be better than I was.  This "truth" just continually reminded me of that.

Gods timing is perfect

One day you will be able to help others

I lumped these two together because I feel this falls under the "even if it's true.....now's not the time" category. There are some things I will never understand....Gods timing being one of them.  When I sat angry, devastated, and confused, I did not think I was going to be helpful to anyone......ever.  Hindsight is 20/20 of course.....I see glimpses of this four years later but this still makes the list.

Sharing a verse

I believe scripture is powerful. It is a life-breathing document that God uses to speak to His children.  I was given so many verses during this time.  I really, really wanted them to be mood altering.....to give me a perspective beyond my pain.....but they fell flat on the pages.  These words were pouring over deaf ears and a hardened heart. I believe these verses spoke to the person who them in my card, my face came to their mind when they read it.  I am forever grateful for that.  After experiencing this myself, when I read a verse and a face comes to mind, I pray the verse over that person.  I know that the words I send them may fall flat but God is the only one who can breathe hope.....life back into the broken.

I realize the next question that comes to mind is, "What is helpful?"  Again this is another personal opinion but for me it was two things:  prayer and talking.  I treasured people praying for me......I needed someone praying on my behalf because a lot of times I wasn't.  When in doubt, tell someone you are praying, it covers them like a warm blanket whether or not they feel it.  And talking......asking details, wanting to hear my heart, and supporting me in the darkness was the most important thing anyone could do  for me.  It is in those moments I was asked, "how are you doing.....really."  Those people offered me grace and love in the darkest of my days.  I will never forget their willingness to be vulnerable and authentic with me.  It inspired me to live life differently, to look at God deeply, and to love others more fully.