Whispers of God

Whispers of God

It all started one afternoon.  The girls were frolicking in the yard behind our apartment and I sat just basking in the sun enjoying the blessings of my life when along came a butterfly.  It was flitting around, dancing all around me on the bench. It was in that moment that I felt like all my kids were there dancing, enjoying the amazingly beautiful day.  I sat and enjoyed them all.

When we first lost our son, we sent out an email notifying everyone what had happened.    I can't remember how I came across this poem but I do remember sending it out:

Butterfly

A Symbol of Hope
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed…
We feel lucky to have seen it.

Unknown


I've never been able to see a butterfly the same. But this summer;  this summer is, well.... rare. Every second I leave my door, there it is, a beautiful flittering butterfly, often more than one.  If I'm throwing out trash, there it is....taking out the dog, there it is.

I have had the most incredible urge to catch it or have it land on something long enough for me to capture a picture and to try and grasp its essence.  To have something to look at and to remind me of it, to keep it close.

My new obsession was to try and snap a picture of the butterfly.  I found myself throwing the trash away and rushing back in to get my phone.  When the  butterfly would land, I would have  to sneak up to get a closer shot.  As I crept forward, off it would fly and I disappointedly have to wait for another opportunity.  Days would go by with many failed attempts of trying to get a glimpse to burn forever in my memory.

It took several attempts for me to get a picture.  I finally did.  But every time I look at it, it doesn't do the moment justice.

I don't get the same feeling as I do seeing it float like a messenger from above, the joy and presence it brings with it cannot be replaced.  I realized its not the butterfly that is so impressive to me, but the timing of its presence.  Like little whispers from the Father He says, "I remember. I do not forget you or your suffering." Like rays of heaven they meet me and I can't help but smile knowing this is no accident.

Sure, I can capture a glimpse and a moment just like I had captured my moment with Jerin. It reminds me of being pregnant with him.....knowing he was flitting around in the womb, watching him on the ultrasound twitch and move all over the place.  And when I held him in my arms I remembered begging myself to always remember that moment, to burn it in my heart forever....but all I have now is stagnant memories.

The recent flutters of these butterflies have stirred a great movement in my soul.  One of joy and of remembrance.  I come in from a surprise encounter with these flying angels often with tears in my eyes because of the sudden presence of him all over again.  But I also am touched by the sweetness of God, the gentle reminders from Him of His immense love for me.  He knows my heart here on Earth will always have a place for my son that will never be filled, yet He pursues me with His creation and for a second I feel complete.  And in all honesty.....it brings me hope and a renewed spirit in Christ.  I forget so quickly how much Christ adores me and blesses me, and I am reminded in the  quiet motion of a butterfly.

Oh how I don't want it to end.  I know the summer days will fade and the bitter cold of Winter will come.  The surprise whispers will fade and I will lose sight of these glimpses of heaven.  I will have pictures and memories but will live to see another summer of the butterflies.

But for now I "Feel Lucky to have seen it."  I feel like the only girl in the world who gets to see this "glory" in this way.  Because I get a whisper from God that no one else does and I keep it and guard it with my heart.  I lift my face up to the heavens with gratitude and hope.  I may even wish for a chance for one to land on me just long enough so I can hold it before it flutters away just like my Jerin.

So I thank you God for remembering me, for giving me glimpses of your Glory in the smallest of things.  For sending down my son for a visit now and then and the glimpses I get to see of him.  Thank you for loving me so, beyond what I will ever know.  I love your whispers of grace and love, may I treasure them forever until we meet again.

In searching for the above poem, I found this next one and couldn't help but feel moved by its words.  I feel it captures the essence of this post and all I am feeling as of now.

Messenger of God

Oh, Little Butterfly,
Messenger of God,
When I see you in the sky
I cannot help but nod.
You bring me respite
From grief and despair
Every time I see you
Sailing through the air.
You renew my faith
In all God’s wondrous plan,
And I know it’s all in FAITH,
Not in what I understand.

Kathryn Poland