Don't Stay Strong

Don't stay strong

Recently a friend of mine had a tragic loss. After experiencing a miscarriage, was devastated and reached out to me so I could pray for her. She also admitted that several people had been telling her to "stay strong." I could tell that this stung, it slowly tore her down and saddened her inner being. She told me it brought her guilt because she knew she wasn't strong and she couldn't fix that. I completely understood.

Luckily I didn't get that wonderful (or not) nugget of advice when dealing with my own tragedy. Here's the truth, the little nugget I tell others who face hardship/trials/tragedy is "fall apart."  Make sure you cry, make sure you experience every emotion that comes. Fully embrace the anger, frustration, and pain.  Pray with it and through it. Pound the bed with clenches fists and scream in your pillow.  Cry until no more tears come, raise your fist to the ceiling, beg God for mercy. Don't be strong.

I forced myself to so this, I completely fell apart and was a shell of my former self. Screw being strong. There is no way. I would be fake and phony and a complete fraud. I.just.couldn't.

But I battled the "Christian me." I would never allow myself to fall apart. I was strong because I felt I had to be. I felt that I wouldn't be someone that completely relies on God. I really wanted to keep it together so that others would see how awesome God was in my life. I wanted to be a witness, a light....I wanted to be different.

But the grief was too heavy, the pain was too deep to uphold this standard I put upon myself. I completely fell apart and like my friend, I battled guilt for not being stronger. The only thing I was able to tell others was, "this is where the rubber meets the road. I believe what I do, or I don't."

The most amazing thing started to happen. It felt great to be weak. I didn't clench onto my life and rely on my actions, my advice, or my abilities. I wasn't able to be the poster Christian child. I just was.

I realized the selfishness that came with my efforts to "take control" and put on the front that I'm impermeable because I have God. I thought that I had God's job to do.....but He is so much bigger than me. I can imagine that He wouldn't want to build anything on the lie that I had it altogether.

It has been in these moments I have been the most mailable. I realize, it's not up to me to show others how amazing God is. It's up to God to show others how amazing He is. He may happen to use me, or not.

Falling apart has been so freeing. It's been so beautiful and awful. I'm living the "when I'm weak, He is strong." It is so great to know I don't have to be!

I think the best thing I can do, or be, is broken. Somehow, someway, someday God may even use me...the poster child of weak.