When it comes to taking a long trip, I'm the kind of girl that likes to get to my destination. Right at the beginning I think, "I'll feel better once I get there." I like to know where I'm going and the agenda on how to get there. It's hard for me to sit back and enjoy the ride. I hate delayed flights and unexpected bumps in the road. I force myself to look out the window and "take it all in," even though I'm grinding my teeth the whole time while white knuckling the arm rests as we hit turbulence and buckle our seat belts.
I'll never forget getting the news that my son was dead inside me and having to wait two days before I could deliver him......I couldn't wait to finally deliver him and get it over with. The anticipation was horrifying, the fear of what was to come or how I was going to feel was sickening. I hardly ate or slept because I just didn't know what was to come. I remember finally holding him in my arms, and then being moved to the "trauma" floor thinking, "I'm so glad that's over, now I can move on." Even then I wanted to move from point A to point Z. Little did I know that my emotional recovery would continue for years after that day.
I fight the recovery process. I am in a tug-o-war with myself. On one side it's me, trying to find the "answer" and "fix" everything wrong with me......on the other side, it's me; surrendering to the process and "enjoying the ride." Back and forth I go, it's been a good 4 years of this and recently I'm hitting a layer that's pretty substantial. This layer of my onion (refer to "the onion" post) is deep. I've been dealing with it for awhile. I know that this layer is thick and has been buried for quite some time. It can be crippling and paralyzing, it stifles my creativity and I somewhat go into "survival mode" as I grapple with it.
This layer, this next step to my core has a name......trust.
As a self-proclaimed control freak I'm realizing that trust is probably something I have never really had. I'm a pretty independent girl with a decent head on my shoulders.....I tend to take life on. I'm responsible and driven, I research and put effort into every decision I make. Slowly I have stared to lose trust unknowingly, falling prey to my efforts as if somehow I can control everything.
I know the pot boiled over 4 years ago when I lost my son. What I mean is....I couldn't keep a lid on all the normal "ish" I dealt with from day to day....it was boiling over and couldn't be ignored. But this particular layer snuck up on me. I started fearing irrational things more frequently. I have lost sleep, planning and battling for the worst case scenario.
Embarrassed I brought these fears before my counselor afraid she would lock me up for my absurdity. Inquisitively she asked, "If these things really did happen, what do you fear the most?" Tears filled up my eyes and streamed down my face, I knew exactly what I feared but I was ashamed to admit it. "I fear God won't take care of me....but worse, I fear He won't protect my girls."
It's still hard to admit.......I don't trust Him.
Of course it "makes sense"after-all, I lost a child. But the deeper reality is I can't say I ever really did trust God.
The layer is peeled, the reality is there and now I want to do something about it. I have been determined, focused, and on a mission to trust Him. I WANT to trust God, I NEED to trust God......it's broken right now and I want to fix it.
What's wrong with me? I trust the stop light to work, as much as I trust my husbands word, and as much as I know the Fall season will bring back my favorite TV shows (and football). I trust that I will have my job the next day, and when I flip a switch on my wall, the light will turn on.
And there it is.....I trust a bazillion other things more than the One that gives me another day of life. It's frustrating, and maddening.... I throw temper tantrums over it.
There isn't a "How-to Trust God for Dummies" book out there for me to read. There isn't a clear A to Z step by step instructions in the Bible on how to trust God......it just tells us to. There are plenty of examples in the Bible of those who trusted and those who didn't that I can strive to be more like or avoid. As I go through these examples I'm realizing every story is different, unique to that person; their trials, relationships, and places in life are pieces to a bigger puzzle .....it. is. A. journey.
Well crap.....I hate journeys. And because of that, I'm not expecting to enjoy this ride or even come to a final destination of complete trust. But I am realizing that this journey is unique to me....my layers are like my own fingerprint. And maybe trusting isn't doing but simply being. Maybe it's admitting that I don't trust that puts me in the arena.
So what do I do now? Well, I'm not going to pretend or lie that the process through this is all roses. I will have white knuckles, I will clinch my teeth and probably will be delayed along the way. But more importantly I will do my part in this trust relationship....I will be myself, resign to the fact I can't do anything on my own and remain in Christ. And hopefully at some point I can look out the window along the way and finally "enjoy the ride."
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