Sadness

I don't like being sad. No really, it's so bad that I will avoid sad movies and if I do happen to watch them I will never watch them again.  In fact I really liked the movie Moulin Rouge so we ended up owning it.  As we sat snuggled up on the couch watching it for the second time, I got up and turned it off 3/4 of the way through.  Bewildered my husband asked, "What the heck is going on!?" " It's sad from here on out, so if you wanna finish it, go for it.  I'm out," I said.  And it continued, Shakespeare in Love was another "turn off before it gets sad" movie.  In fact, every time we look to rent or watch a movie, my hubby will read the potential list I yell out "SAD" on the ones that will not be seen that evening.

At first it was funny, maybe a personal preference, but as I've been on this crazy journey I'm realizing that it is a deep-seeded pattern in my life.....I don't like sadness.  After losing my son I was sad.  I didn't like it.  I didn't like making others sad hearing about it.  I didn't like to admit that sadness had settled into my soul so deep that it couldn't be thwarted.  Normally I would fill this sadness hole with things that made me happy.  Music, TV, reading happy things, and most importantly; finding people to join my "pity party for one" all in the name of making myself feel better.  I would justify my sadness by treating myself to things.  I would say something like, "I deserve this ice cream" to brighten my day, or "I could use this pair of shoes".......

But nothing worked....it was beyond my cover-up efforts.

When I'm sad its bad, but what's worse is when I cause sadness in someone else.  I just can't stand it.  If you know me, I'm the first to apologize in an argument. It's easier for me to take the blame than to keep someone sad.  Especially if I know I caused any part of the sadness, it's faster to apologize than to work through it (oh I've learned this is not the case either).

Well..... all this went out the window when I had kids.  I'm well aware that my girls will be sad.  Not only that, but they will be sad about stupid things. No offense, but things that really don't matter.....shows, phone rules, not spending the night at their friends house, what clothes they wear, and it goes on. I'm already seeing it now and I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I mean, I don't like it when they are sad but I know it's going to happen so.......?

So.......I must deal with sadness.  It seems easy enough but when I've been avoiding it in myself and in others for so long it seems impossible.  When life hits and deals an unimaginable tragedy, sadness stares you in the face and dares you to try and cover it up.  I had to admit this deep-seeded truth.....I don't like sadness.

When I look around me I see a lot of others who don't like sadness either.  We are an insanely addictive bunch....alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, shopping, and eating (or not)......all to avoid dealing with sad.

So here I was....dealing.  I knew the situation was too great to cover up, my own efforts were not cutting it.  My prayers and quiet times were comforting for the moment but small circumstances would knock me off balance and into the sadness spiral all over again.  The hardest part for me was admitting I needed help. I mean, I am a Christian.....I don't need anyone but God....if if that doesn't work than its because my efforts aren't good enough.

See the problem with being sad is that it's ok to be sad. Even though I was not ok with being sad, I had to learn how to be sad.  It was so difficult for me to cry when I felt it......no matter how silly it was.  I struggled to not cover it up but to sit and process it.  I learned that God did not say Perfect Christians are not sad, but he joins me in my sadness and holds me through it just as I cradle my crying two-year old when she falls.    Jesus was sad and cried when He was here on Earth, he didn't avoid the emotion but embraced it as a real authentic part of this life.

Shame wanted to keep sadness from working itself out.....pride wanted to keep my soul from freeing itself from the chains that bind me.......Satan wants me to believe I'm not good enough....... I needed help.  My counselor, my family, my friends.....this was a battle beyond my own abilities and I needed an army.  Although I felt like a failure because I couldn't do it on my own (because I felt I should be able too since I have God) the reality is, God equipped  me with an amazing army here on Earth........plenty of help.

The truth is I will always deal with sadness, it's unavoidable in this life.  I will make others sad with my actions, they will make me sad too.  My girls will be sad about stupid things.  What better way to speak to them through this real emotion, to empathize with their sadness because it is authentic.  To not try and protect them from it by buying them an ice cream to cover it up.....but also to show them my sadness and that it's OK to feel it.

I truly believe going to battle by myself would have been a huge mistake.  Asking for help was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  But I know I'm living a fuller, freer, authentic  life because of sadness and what it has taught me.