Humanity and Abandon

Humanity and Abandon

Over the last five years of my life my sole purpose has been to find/search/wrestle with authenticity.  In a world that teaches us that we need to be "perfect" or it tells us it's OK to cover-up our imperfections.....it's been a real challenge.  It's easy to blame society or "this day in age," but I've come across a woman in the Bible who is beautifully authentic and speaks so deeply to me.....Mary of Bethany.

We first find her in Luke 10.  Jesus is stopping at her home with her sister Martha.  Martha is the perfectionist and wants everything perfect for her Lord.  She is busy preparing things, cleaning, cooking, doing everything imaginable to make things presentable and worthy for Jesus' visit.  When he comes, Martha continues to serve and work diligently to make him comfortable.  Mary on the other hand is described as "sitting at the Lord's feet listening to what he said." Martha, being the big sister she is, complained to Jesus and asking him to tell Mary to start helping her.....after all, she was just sitting there.  I loved how Jesus responded, " Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her."

Mary knew how to have an authentic relationship with Jesus.  She knew how to put the "things" of this world that mattered to the eyes of others, and she abandoned them to sit at the feet of The Lord.  It was very controversial for her to sit at the feet of Jesus.  In "that day and age," sitting there, listening to him was considered a place of a disciple; a woman in that position was unheard of.  She was accepted as a disciple in His eyes.  He was her teacher, her friend, her everything.  She was soaking in every word he said, getting to know him on every level.  I'm sure they laughed and told stories, living life together.  She did choose what was better.....a relationship. Instead of getting wrapped up in perfection, she was herself, pure, and authentic.

The next time we see Mary, she is at the tomb of her dead brother Lazarus. When. Jesus heard of Lazarus' death, he came to the scene.  When Mary met him she falls at his feet saying,  "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." And then she cried, and cried, and cried.  And Jesus cried too..... with her.

Oh how she speaks to me.  I love how human she was here.  She wasn't afraid to be herself.....to tell the truth. She knew this was Jesus.....the one.....and she still was authentic in her pain and suffering.  She wasn't afraid to question him, to show him her disappointment and her grief at his absence.  So many times I find myself holding back my humanity.  I change my prayers to be more "appropriate" or "fit for a King." I hold back the dark and real parts of me as if I'm protecting God from it.  But really, I'm protecting myself from being raw and vulnerable.  Mary shows me that while she has her quiet moments of sitting at his feet, she also had her vulnerable moments of    admitting, "Where the heck were you!?"

 After this, we see her in John 12 anointing Jesus' feet with expensive perfume:

"Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, "Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages." He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.

"Leave her alone," Jesus replied. "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”

— John 12:1-8, New International Version

Here I love how Mary shows complete abandon.  She doesn't hesitate in her actions.  She doesn't question Jesus, "hey, do you think I should save this for something more important?" Or, "am I going to need this later on?" No, she gives herself over to the cause.....no matter what anyone says.....no matter what the future holds.

I see this and even chuckle at my hesitancy in this world.  Even when it comes to giving things over to The Lord, I question and hesitate.  Sometimes even after knowing and hearing that "still small voice," I sit on it.....fear.....worry.  I wait and pray that extra long time in order to solidify my comfort.  But Mary knew she would face negative talk. She knew she might need this expensive perfume for the future, she knew that Jesus was the Son of God.....she had seen him raise her brother from the tomb.  That's all she needed.  Complete surrender and trust over to her King......her friend.

This wasn't just a man to Mary, it was her Savior.  She shows me a true authentic relationship with God that I can say I've never really had.  Since reading about her I hear my prayers becoming more human.....I see myself abandoning the things that really don't matter.....seeing the feet of Jesus and throwing myself on my knees in all of my humanity.  It's here that I know when I weep, when I question, when I'm myself.....He meets me there.  He weeps with me....He knows me....He's my friend.....He's my Savior.

Power of Perspective

As Mother's Day approaches and passes I often love looking at this role I have.....mother.  I have a great mom whom I think I appreciated fairly well throughout my years with her but nothing prepared me for my most challenging role..... becoming a mother myself.  It has been through this process that I have a new, greater understanding and honor towards my own mom. I now see and experience everything she went through and sacrifices she made for me.

Lately I've been questioning my role as an adequate mom as I'm sure every mom has at some point (or many points) on this motherhood journey.  When I come to something especially difficult, I go to my mom, or other moms for advice, for help, or just for a sense of feeling "normal."

I treasure these times because It redeems my trust and faith in my abilities to be a mom but it also gives me perspective.  Sometimes the sleepless nights, countless messes, temper tantrums, and whiny voices are just too much to give me a "bigger picture."  I remember when my first child was a newborn, I felt like the days were eternally long and my life wasn't my own.....it seemed like it would last forever.  Now five years later, I have perspective, I know this time will fly by.  And even though I went through it a second time, I found myself forgetting.  So I'm always happy to offer perspective to newer moms in their sleepless days because I remember.

Perspective is a treasure, a breath of fresh air, and a weight lifted off your shoulders.

Around this Mothers Day I have been constantly thinking about the greatest Mother of the Bible, Mary mother of Jesus.  Her journey and story teaches me so many things about being a mom.

She starts as a young lady learning from an angel that she will bear the son of God.  She isn't married, she is shunned, laughed at, and exiled because of it.  She had to explain to her betrothed and hoped that he would stick arounYou

She then traveled to Bethlehem very pregnant, on a donkey....delivered the Son of God in a barn without any other woman there to help her.  Soon after she had to flee because the King was killing all male babies.....

Then she raised a sinless child.  He threw tantrums because he was angry, he cried real tears when he was sad, and he saw every one of her failures as she looked into the eyes of God.

Then at 33 years he traveled the land loving on everyone telling them the Good News.  She worried as she heard the rumors of hatred, she filled with pride at the cheers, and cried at every stage of his journey.

She then had to endure the beating and suffering of the cross.  Watching her son being crushed right before her eyes.  The son she bore, she raised, she loved unconditionally.

She wasn't superhuman.  She was a mom, a normal loving, caring, "want what's best" mom.  And the thing that strikes me the most about her is she had no perspective.  No other person could tell her it would be ok, no one else housed the Son of God.  No one knew how to raise a family in which one of them never sinned, no one knew how vulnerable it was to live knowing the eyes of God were upon every decision, mistake, and misstep she made.  No one could hand her a Bible and say, it's OK.....He wins.

I wish I could hear her prayers throughout her life.  Her cries out to God of her  unworthiness.  The doubts, the fears, the anger......the trust.  You see, Mary taught me that when life offers no perspective, trusting in God is the only hope to hold on to.

Some days I have trust like the Mary did after the angel visited her telling her she was chosen to carry his son.  Or when she laughed with him as a toddler and rejoiced in his first steps.  Or on the days when she saw the miracles, and saw him love beyond politics, creed, or law.  Or when she saw the empty tomb and His nailed scarred hands.

And some days when there is no perspective and what seems like no hope, I'm like the Mary when she was shunned by her own friends, birthed in a stable alone, ran for her son's life in the wilderness, watched her son be ridiculed, torn, and broken.  And during those long, dark, and hopeless 3 days when her son lay in a tomb, dead, like her, I'm just barely breathing out prayers of pleas, mercy, and grace.

I'm looking at her story and I realize that God used her to give me perspective.  Because of her willingness, her sacrifice, her obedience.....I can open the Word and find  peace, answers, and unconditional love.  This love is from a God who gives me His love no matter where I am.  I may have all the perspective in the world and trust Him so tightly and He loves me. Or, I might be full of anxiety and fear because of my lack of trust and perspective and He still loves me.

I'm grateful God decided to use a mom to bring his son into the world.  She offers unconditional love, sacrifice, and would do anything for her child.  She is a reflection of the heart of our Savior.  His perfect plan involved the heart of a young woman who was willing, imperfect and who would be herself throughout the whole journey.  She believed and never stopped.  She showed me that not everything in this life needs to have an answer.  Sometimes I will never have perspective.  But I do have God.  I believe He is the same yesterday as He is today. He is the same God to Mary as He is to me. That is truly astounding and comforting......I pray to never lose that perspective.

Sadness

I don't like being sad. No really, it's so bad that I will avoid sad movies and if I do happen to watch them I will never watch them again.  In fact I really liked the movie Moulin Rouge so we ended up owning it.  As we sat snuggled up on the couch watching it for the second time, I got up and turned it off 3/4 of the way through.  Bewildered my husband asked, "What the heck is going on!?" " It's sad from here on out, so if you wanna finish it, go for it.  I'm out," I said.  And it continued, Shakespeare in Love was another "turn off before it gets sad" movie.  In fact, every time we look to rent or watch a movie, my hubby will read the potential list I yell out "SAD" on the ones that will not be seen that evening.

At first it was funny, maybe a personal preference, but as I've been on this crazy journey I'm realizing that it is a deep-seeded pattern in my life.....I don't like sadness.  After losing my son I was sad.  I didn't like it.  I didn't like making others sad hearing about it.  I didn't like to admit that sadness had settled into my soul so deep that it couldn't be thwarted.  Normally I would fill this sadness hole with things that made me happy.  Music, TV, reading happy things, and most importantly; finding people to join my "pity party for one" all in the name of making myself feel better.  I would justify my sadness by treating myself to things.  I would say something like, "I deserve this ice cream" to brighten my day, or "I could use this pair of shoes".......

But nothing worked....it was beyond my cover-up efforts.

When I'm sad its bad, but what's worse is when I cause sadness in someone else.  I just can't stand it.  If you know me, I'm the first to apologize in an argument. It's easier for me to take the blame than to keep someone sad.  Especially if I know I caused any part of the sadness, it's faster to apologize than to work through it (oh I've learned this is not the case either).

Well..... all this went out the window when I had kids.  I'm well aware that my girls will be sad.  Not only that, but they will be sad about stupid things. No offense, but things that really don't matter.....shows, phone rules, not spending the night at their friends house, what clothes they wear, and it goes on. I'm already seeing it now and I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I mean, I don't like it when they are sad but I know it's going to happen so.......?

So.......I must deal with sadness.  It seems easy enough but when I've been avoiding it in myself and in others for so long it seems impossible.  When life hits and deals an unimaginable tragedy, sadness stares you in the face and dares you to try and cover it up.  I had to admit this deep-seeded truth.....I don't like sadness.

When I look around me I see a lot of others who don't like sadness either.  We are an insanely addictive bunch....alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, shopping, and eating (or not)......all to avoid dealing with sad.

So here I was....dealing.  I knew the situation was too great to cover up, my own efforts were not cutting it.  My prayers and quiet times were comforting for the moment but small circumstances would knock me off balance and into the sadness spiral all over again.  The hardest part for me was admitting I needed help. I mean, I am a Christian.....I don't need anyone but God....if if that doesn't work than its because my efforts aren't good enough.

See the problem with being sad is that it's ok to be sad. Even though I was not ok with being sad, I had to learn how to be sad.  It was so difficult for me to cry when I felt it......no matter how silly it was.  I struggled to not cover it up but to sit and process it.  I learned that God did not say Perfect Christians are not sad, but he joins me in my sadness and holds me through it just as I cradle my crying two-year old when she falls.    Jesus was sad and cried when He was here on Earth, he didn't avoid the emotion but embraced it as a real authentic part of this life.

Shame wanted to keep sadness from working itself out.....pride wanted to keep my soul from freeing itself from the chains that bind me.......Satan wants me to believe I'm not good enough....... I needed help.  My counselor, my family, my friends.....this was a battle beyond my own abilities and I needed an army.  Although I felt like a failure because I couldn't do it on my own (because I felt I should be able too since I have God) the reality is, God equipped  me with an amazing army here on Earth........plenty of help.

The truth is I will always deal with sadness, it's unavoidable in this life.  I will make others sad with my actions, they will make me sad too.  My girls will be sad about stupid things.  What better way to speak to them through this real emotion, to empathize with their sadness because it is authentic.  To not try and protect them from it by buying them an ice cream to cover it up.....but also to show them my sadness and that it's OK to feel it.

I truly believe going to battle by myself would have been a huge mistake.  Asking for help was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  But I know I'm living a fuller, freer, authentic  life because of sadness and what it has taught me.

10 Things To Never Say......

10 Things To Never Say To A Hurting Person

I start by saying that this list has been created through my own life experiences.  After losing my son, I had to process through the many pieces of "wisdom and advice" I received.  In fact it has taken me four years to sort through what I can deem as "unhelpful."  The hardest part about doing this is knowing where these comments come from and why people are saying them. I'm grateful that time and my growth on this journey has revealed to me what to accept and what to reject.  This is a record (in no particular order) of my own experiences and opinions through these last four years.  What not to say........



How are you doing?

It isn't the question that is the problem.....it's the reaction to my answer.  After deciding to be authentic I knew I was rough around the edges.  I was honest and raw,sometimes too much.  But it was the truth and it was hard to handle for others.  Pain is very hard and awkward for someone else to process so the best advice I can give about this one is this: if you're going to ask it, be OK with the answer. Be OK with the real, raw and harsh......it's where we're at.

Time heals all wounds

This one has been hard for me.  Although I want to get through this hell as quickly as possible.....I never want to forget my son.  Losing a loved one is so heartbreaking, I never want time to somehow distance me from my son.  I never want to forget or cover up what he has meant to me,even the pain.

Everything happens for a reason

This is what I call "the circle of life" piece of wisdom.  You know, nature has a way of working things out.  Life and death is a part of the circle......you just have to accept it.

I know how you feel......

Here is where people tried to tell me they understand what I was going through because of something they or someone they knew experienced. I appreciated the effort in trying to relate but 9 out of 10 times they had no idea how I felt because they didn't go through exactly what I did.  I heard countless miscarriage stories and I hated comparing situations but......I did.  For me it just created comparisons and it minimized my hurt, pain and suffering.


Say nothing

This one is the worst!  I realize no one wants to be the reason behind a mental breakdown but I experienced this one the most.  Ignoring the elephant in the room can't be comfortable for anyone.

God is testing you or teaching you a lesson

This one is tough.  First it implies that I have done something wrong or not "listened" to God so he must do something to get my attention or "teach" me a lesson I couldn't have learned any other way.  For four years this is the single issue and question I have wrestled over.  Although I can write a whole other article on my thoughts about this.....I do believe this is no one's business whether it true or not.

God doesn't give you more than you can handle

This truth is often used to gain strength, but it became a source of weakness for me.  As I struggled to get out of bed and disengaged myself from any meaningful activities, I thought," you should be able to handle this.....remember God doesn't give you more than you can handle."  I started to feel weak....weak physically and in Spirit.  I wanted to conquer this, I wanted to be better than I was.  This "truth" just continually reminded me of that.

Gods timing is perfect

One day you will be able to help others

I lumped these two together because I feel this falls under the "even if it's true.....now's not the time" category. There are some things I will never understand....Gods timing being one of them.  When I sat angry, devastated, and confused, I did not think I was going to be helpful to anyone......ever.  Hindsight is 20/20 of course.....I see glimpses of this four years later but this still makes the list.

Sharing a verse

I believe scripture is powerful. It is a life-breathing document that God uses to speak to His children.  I was given so many verses during this time.  I really, really wanted them to be mood altering.....to give me a perspective beyond my pain.....but they fell flat on the pages.  These words were pouring over deaf ears and a hardened heart. I believe these verses spoke to the person who them in my card, my face came to their mind when they read it.  I am forever grateful for that.  After experiencing this myself, when I read a verse and a face comes to mind, I pray the verse over that person.  I know that the words I send them may fall flat but God is the only one who can breathe hope.....life back into the broken.

I realize the next question that comes to mind is, "What is helpful?"  Again this is another personal opinion but for me it was two things:  prayer and talking.  I treasured people praying for me......I needed someone praying on my behalf because a lot of times I wasn't.  When in doubt, tell someone you are praying, it covers them like a warm blanket whether or not they feel it.  And talking......asking details, wanting to hear my heart, and supporting me in the darkness was the most important thing anyone could do  for me.  It is in those moments I was asked, "how are you doing.....really."  Those people offered me grace and love in the darkest of my days.  I will never forget their willingness to be vulnerable and authentic with me.  It inspired me to live life differently, to look at God deeply, and to love others more fully.

Perfect Christian Syndrome

Currently I struggle.  I struggle with being a "good" Christian.  Although I think this has been an ongoing struggle, it has recently been evident after deciding to live an authentic life.....even with God. In the past I would do what I was taught, all the while checking God off my list of tasks.  Being on the "other side" of this I find I don't know what to "do" because I want it to be real, tangible, alive......I want to be in a relationship.....with the creator of the universe.

As I struggle, cry, and discuss this with God, He has revealed some of his simple truths through my children.

MarKay my 5 year old struggles staying still during our nighttime prayers.  She wiggles and laughs and sometimes interrupts as we are praying by her bedside.  Even after we've talked to her about being respectful, she still has a hard time.  When it's her turn to pray, her prayers are simple and sweet, cutting to the chase.

Piper on the other hand, my two-year old, sits and holds me during prayer time.  She is still and keeps her eyes closed the whole time.  When it's her turn to pray, she goes on and on for several minutes at a time.  She thanks God for every single thing and person she has seen that day.  Even down to the pets in her life.  We often have to say Amen for her because she will just keep going.

MarKay out of nowhere will ask if we can pray for someone who is sick or hurting.  She will talk about Jesus when something reminds her of Him.  She asks questions about Him and teaches me about Him unprompted.  She asks what the verse of the day is and  out of the blue connects nature to His mighty works.

Piper sings worship songs out of the blue and still asks me where baby Jesus is in front of our church since the nativity scene was taken down. She tells me about her papers from Sunday School and excitedly wakes up for church on Sunday.

As I look at my daughters' growing relationship with God  I ask, "which one is better?"  Is there one that is "better" at relating to God than the other?  My first response is, "of course not." Each child has the connection pieces they are passionate about, they are uniquely special in how God speaks to them.  If this is true for them, why is it that I have the "perfect Christian syndrome" in which all "good" Christians' walk should look the same?

I've also started looking at the relationship I have with each daughter.  Piper is snugly and comes up to me and cradles my face.  She sits on my lap when I'm on the couch and wants me to carry her everywhere.  But, I can"t keep her attention for more than 30 seconds.  Partly because she's two but also she is just wired differently. MarKay on the other hand, can talk to me for hours, making me laugh, and wants me to tell stories, sings songs, and read. She wants to cook, craft, and write together. She craves quality time, one on one intimate conversations.

Looking at this I realize, neither one of my daughters are "better" than the other.  They are free to be themselves with me.  I love their strengths and weaknesses, I see my own strengths and weaknesses in each of them.  I don't demand they be a better daughter for me, I love them for who they are.  If they come up to me to talk, or snuggle, I welcome it.  If they don't.....I accept it.  I don't want them to be the same.  Their differences inspire me. I don't want them to check me off their list, I want them to desire time together.  I know this relationship will change as they grow and develop because they too will change.  We will have great times of deep connection and times of brokenness and despair.

Yet I feel that I've been bound to be more than my natural self when it comes to my relationship with God.  I look at what others tell me my relationship should be and what I expect for it to be myself.  I've lived trying to measure up and be the "perfect" Christ follower.


I can't get over how painful it is for me to realize how my "good Cristian deeds" will never measure up. By that I mean, whether I spend 5 minutes or 3 hours with God....he will always be deserving of more. I mean he's God for goodness sake. I owe Him everything.  In fact, a lot of healthy relationships in my life deserve more.  My mom, husband, daughters,best friends, are all deserving of more of my time.  But when given the time I have, they don't criticize it, they appreciate it, revel in it.....adore it.  I don't find others telling me how those relationships should look, or how I'm "supposed" to relate to them.....it's our own special authentic connection.  I love that.

I'm just starting.....barely.....to embrace, accept, and enjoy the freedom I have in this kind of relationship with God.  I'm beginning to see that He uniquely made me to relate to Him in our own sweet way. Whether I snuggle up on his lap, lay helpless in the palm of His hand, struggle to sit still during prayer or lack keeping my attention for more than 30 seconds.....He adores every second of it.  I can desire to memorize the verse of the day, sing His praises, or admire His amazing creation and......He loves it.  I can throw a temper tantrum, not talk to Him for days, and disobey Him and He still loves me.  More importantly.....I love Him.  I love the real, sweet, and authentic whispers.  I love the deep, treacherous, dark altercations.  In the storm and in the calm I'm loving out relationship.....our growth.....our connections.  Slowly the chains of what I "should be" are falling off and I'm tasting the real, the true, and the raw. And I'm almost......almost..... OK with it.

Elephants III

Elephants III

This "elephants" series began at the first year anniversary of my sons death. I anxiously anticipated it with fear and trembling not knowing how I would handle re-living such a horrible time in my life. My counselor told me the story of elephants when I was speaking to her about my anxiety of this significant date. She told me elephants remember where their loved ones remains are and every year they go to the bones and cradle and caress them lovingly. It's as if they are remembering them with the sweetest of memories and all they meant to them. Never before did I think I could relate to the memory of an elephant. But on or around February 9th, I lovingly remember my boy.

This year I decided to finally read all the cards and letters I received from everyone. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love we felt during this time. Dearest of friends called me just to cry, my house filled with flowers, my mailbox full of cards, and my fridge full of meals.

But I just couldn't read a single thing. I may have read them but the words were not penetrating my soul. I was numb.

It has still been too painful to read them until this year.....four years later. I cried at every one, mostly for the memory but also because I would see the name of the person from who it was from and I still know most of you all. I was touched at your words and gifts of concern. I wanted to say thank you but realized it was four years ago.

So now I want to take the time to say "thank you" to those of you who sent gifts and wrote to me. Even though its four years later, I'm still forever grateful for your support. The number one response in every card was, "I don't know what to say." I am still grateful you chose to write even when you didn't know what to say.

And for those of you who didn't know me when it happened but know me now, I'm forever grateful for your support in reading "how I'm doing....really."  You take time out of your schedule to read about me and my journey and I'm so honored you would do that.   For those of you who tell me you're a fan and give me so much encouragement, I am forever grateful and just blessed by all of you.

The second emotion that has been resonating with me this year has developed more recently when we had to deal with the loss of our family cat of 11 years.

The worst part of his death has been the fact that my five year old daughter is having to grapple and deal with his loss.  Her insight in the issue has been simple and so healing for myself reflecting on this date.

It was pet week at her preschool and I knew she would feel the sting of only having one pet instead of two.  I had anxiety over her feelings and emotions......I didn't want her to feel sad.  But alas I know that she needs to feel all the hard emotions and learn to deal with them.

We printed out the picture of our dog and sent it with her holding our breath.  Sure enough she comes home talking about how she misses our cat Pepino and she wants to bring a picture of him to tell the students that he is with Jesus now.

My heart broke knowing she was sad, suffering in her own way.  And then she didn't bring it up again.  So maybe it was over.....until today.  Pet week was over and she brought Pepino up again,

"Mommy" she said, "I miss Pepino, can you print out a picture of him so I can see him?"

"Sure," I said. "Do you want to write him a letter? Maybe we can attach it to a balloon and send it to him."

"Mmmm, I don't think it will make it to heaven." she said.

"Well it doesn't matter because God can hear us without sending anything up in a balloon." I replied.

"Let's pray now, you pray mommy. Tell Jesus we miss Pepino."

"OK, (holding back tears) dear God, thank you for all the time we had with Pepino, we miss him but we know that you are taking care of him until we get to see him again.  Thank you, we love you, amen."

MarKay says, "Dear Lord, thank you for watching Pepino, we love him. And thank you for the one pet we do have.....Sierra.  We love you. Amen."

I cried as I drove home feeling the same about my son.  I miss him and look at his picture every year.  I know God is keeping him safe until I get to see him again and I am so forever grateful for what I do have.

I had MarKay. She kept me sane and alive during my most difficult days, I'd sit and watch her grow and love as I dealt with despair. And Piper......tears fall just thinking about how she wouldn't be here if Jerin had lived........I am so so so grateful for her.  She is a spark-plug that I can't imagine my life without.

I also can see how God, my father, has had to let me "deal" with this loss. How his heart must have been breaking and how he must have wanted to keep me away from pain and suffering too.  But he chose, as I did for MarKay, to allow me to feel and grow, all the while being there to help me along the way.

So this year Lord, I hold these "bones" lovingly and sweetly up to you. Continue to watch over my boy and teach me more about you through his loss.  I love you.

Lessons From A Two Bedroom Apartment

It will be one year since we lost our three-bedroom two-story house and moved our family west into a two-bedroom apartment.  I was afraid of this move.  I was used to the big backyard, the girls having their own rooms and  every corner of that place was furnished and perfected.  Jerry and I worked on re-modeling the house for a year. Sanding cabinets, laying wood laminate, and painting every wall filled our kid-less evenings in our early years of marriage.  It was just how I wanted it, my colors, my furniture, my everything. Kids came and filled the air with joy, toys, and diapers.  The wood floors came in very handy during the spills and potty training.  The backyard was a haven for bikes, roller skates, and cars.  Parties, jumpers, and many cozy get- togethers filled the space with laughter and joy.  I loved it.

But with all of the joys, it was also a burden. Financially the house started to wear heavy on our shoulders, bogging us down and keeping us awake at night.  As with many others, we were upside down and felt our spirits being crushed year after year.  Then we received the devastating news that my husband was "let go" at his job of 7 years.  Although this was something really difficult, it turned into little rays of hope.  We no longer had a choice,we MUST let our house go. We MUST make choices that will help us financially.  Then it was exciting........... we had no choice but to rely on the Lord.

We talked through dreams, we assessed our goals and we knew we needed to downsize, re-focus, and learn a few things.  As I packed up all of my possessions and sold items at an absurd price (from what I bought them at), I became bitter, almost challenging God thinking, "you better make this work, I'm really relying on you."

Everything was unknown, when we would move....where we would move.......there wasn't much we could say we knew. And boy looking back, I really didn't know what this last year was going to teach me.

Soon enough, the timing was defined, my husband found a job, we found an apartment, and February 14th was the day we could start moving in.  I was petrified.  How am I going to do this?  I was going to be a "commuter" to work, we were down a bedroom, no backyard, an outside dog would become an inside dog, and the list.... the fears, went on and on.

Looking back on the last year I wanted to share a few of the many lessons I have learned living in my two bedroom apartment.

We can see and hear the freeway from outside our building.
At first I thought this would be a draw-back.  But this has been a constant reminder that we gain and hour of time a night with my husband.  As I stare at the traffic I'm reminded about the many nights he was late and frustrated because he missed the girls' bedtime.  It is ironic that I whisper a prayer of praise whenever I see the daily 91 parking lot.

2) My closet is ridiculously small

I had my own closet that held all my winter and summer clothes.  Now I "share" a closet with Jerry.  This has taught me that I don't really need that many clothes.  And, I've learned that in some places of the world, the size of my current closet is the size of someone's  room.....so I'm grateful.

3) I can hear the upstairs neighbor

This seems self explanatory but there is some comfort in knowing someone is awake, close, and there.  I knew my neighbors schedule and we would often chat about the weather, the power outages, and just about anything that we could while passing each other by.  We built a community without even trying.

4) My girls had to share a room

This gave me a lot of Mommy guilt.  Mostly because I had a brother and didn't share a room ever.  But I really felt bad having to put them together.  But this has brought them to be so close.  Just the other night MarKay told me she woke up to Piper crying and she went to calm her down so she could go back to sleep.  It really melts my heart that we are forcing a bond that hopefully will never be broken.

5) No backyard

Another Mommy guilt scenario for the dog and my girls.  But it forces us to get out, go walking, riding bikes, riding skates, or go to the playground at the office.  My dog hasn't been walked so much in her life and my girls have loved every outing we take.

6) Just no space for anything

This has taught me to give more than I ever have.  Realizing my "things" are not my own, I have too many of them, and others are in need more than myself.  I have never given more away, not because I wasn't willing to, but because I didn't have to. Also, I am never too far away from any of my loved ones.  They are all an earshot away. Forced to give things away and forced to be closer together......it has been heaven.

In the end, all of these "truths" about my apartment have taught me, changed me, formed me.  I like who I am in this smaller, more humble state.  It feels simple, calm......right.  All my fears, my unknowns could not possibly prepare me for the joy of a possession-less year.  Never did I think I would be praising God for a job and house lost.  It's in those losses I have gained.  I gained a new perspective, new joys.....new life.  When "normal" becomes smaller all the while my heart grows bigger.  Where the future is endless and fear is no longer the first emotion I feel.  So, here's to another year of lessons from my two-bedroom apartment.