He Gives and Takes Away

The song "Blessed Be Your Name" has always resonated with me. However, since our loss, I have never been able to get through the song without crying. You will see the lyrics to the song at the end of this post but before you get there....this song is what we quoted in our email to notify everyone of our loss. At the time it seemed perfect, but now it is even more real.
As we grow to fall deeper in love with our daughter, I can't believe how much of a blessing she is. Yet we still grow and grieve in our loss as well.

So.....this last weekend, I was singing at Inland Hills. I got the email that stated the set list. As I'm sure you can suspect, Blessed Be Your Name was on it. I laughed out loud. Of course, how am I supposed to get through this? This further intensified when at rehearsal I found out that I was to sing the first part of this song solo. I immediately wanted to decline but knew that this was no accident. Added to this was the fact that the worship leader was going to speak in the middle of the song about how easy it is to praise God when He gives, but when he takes away is when we must CHOSE to praise Him. Ok really?!? This is too close to home for me.

With many do-overs and really wondering if I could do this, I had to completely surrender to God and have Him use me in my brokenness. I wanted an out but knew that I couldn't take it. This was designed for me. I still haven't made it through that song without shedding a tear but I am OK with that. I shared this with the worship leader; "It is what it is." So thank you God for getting me through it and I can't believe I am saying this but, thank you for the opportunity to lean completely on you.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Choices

Sitting in a sermon, I heard this quote. Tears streamed down my face as it hit me. So hard, so true....

"Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives."
-Choice, by Fredric Flach

Oh my. I don't quire know why it hit so hard. Maybe because I know that I had one of those moments. That what I do from here will determine so much of my life.
I also know that so much of how I respond is a choice. Whether to seek help, count my blessings, and realize that it is a long journey.......I must choose. Choosing anything else will not fulfill. It will only stall any progress, growth or hope that I have. Choosing God through it all isn't always easy. After all, He allowed it....it was His will. I have to choose to believe He protected me through this and that this will is somehow, someway making me better. If I don't believe this, choose to believe.....I have no hope, no rock to hold me up....no foundation. I must choose to have a relationship with Him. Choose to forgive myself and stop trying so hard to be 'better' because I can't. I can just be me. I think that is enough. I must choose to be enough.....that is enough.

Help Wanted

Well it has been awhile. I guess I can say that I have been tired of the "pity parties" but I promised to let you know how I'm doing. Good, bad and ugly.

I saw a rainbow the other day and started crying. I wasn't sure why but then it dawned on me. As I was looking at something so beautiful, the background to the beauty was black with threatening clouds. It is amazing to me that in the ugly, the scary, the heavy and dark; a rainbow is there. That is how I feel. Beauty is in the midst of chaos, fear, destruction, and desolation. Blessings are in this life. The glimmers of hope and of God are there in and among the trials.

I found out some disturbing news about my counselor this last week. In a previous post I mentioned that my counselor that I have been seeing was on maternity leave. She sent us a letter stating that she did have a baby girl in August but she was stillborn. I was in shock and disbelief. This can't possibly happen. I mourned for her, for us; for everyone who has ever had this happen. She also let us know that she could no longer counsel us because of the circumstance. This just pissed me off. I completely understand why, but now I've lost my counselor to this as well. I considered her my friend and my confidant. And now we grieve together...separately. The worst event in both of our lives will keep us from getting together.

On a selfish note, I don't even want to think about finding another counselor. I can't believe this is now a bump in the road. And by the way, does this happen to everyone now!? It freaks me out to think about it.

But yes there are the rainbows. The fact that I have a beautiful rainbow everyday in my daughter, my husband, and many other loved ones. The fact that I can walk, breathe, and live how I choose. I have many things that others don't and I am grateful. Although I have many blessings, I still need help. Help to sort these things out, help to discover God and His ways, and help to find myself among the questions. Help is Wanted.

Never Let Go...

This song is so amazing and it makes me cry every time. Be Blessed,

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

-Matt Redman

Death

If you haven't already done so, read "The Beginning" (my first couple posts) to fully understand my posts.

So death is really not such a great topic is it? Although, it is something that we will all experience and it is something that is inevitable. So why is it so hard to discuss?
After having death so close to me (literally inside me for a month), it has been a friend of mine. Tears, grief, anger, and confusion. However, sorrow and sadness can be so beautiful. You feel so deeply and so real that it is almost blinding. You must surrender to it and have no choice in the matter. This friend comes and goes as it pleases, most of the time he is uninvited. I have to say it has been so refreshing to have no control over the emotion, no way to mask it, no manipulation in it. It is what it is.
I fear that my friend will visit again. Because it has been so real, I really don't want another appearance. Sometimes I pray that MarKay will make it through the night. I pray on the road that a tire doesn't blow and I leave my child motherless. I get nervous when I haven't heard from Jer when I should have and pray God will spare me and bring him home safely.
But why worry about something I cannot control? Once again, this friend is uninvited. But until he shows up again, I will continue to pray and hope this fear soon fades away.
The deepness of grief will linger and the beauty of feeling so fully with remain and for that...... I am grateful.

Rests.....

I read this the other day and how beautiful it is and so true. Enjoy...

There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music. In the melody of our life, the music is separated here and there by rests. During those rests, we foolishly believe he have come to the end of the song. God sends us times of forced leisure by allowing sickness, disappointed plans, and frustrated efforts. He brings a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives, and we lament that our voices must be silent. We grieve that our part is missing in the music that continually rises to the ear of our Creator. Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there.
God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we sorrowfully say to ourselves, "There is no music in a rest," let us not forget that the rest is part of the making of the music. The process is often slow and painful in this life, yet how patiently God works to teach us! And how long He waits for us to learn the lesson!
-John Ruskin

I am in the rest, the pause, the silence.....waiting for the music to start again. It will I know.

Hanging by a thread

Ok so I hate feeling like I am hanging by a thread. Life is tough. It will not stop, and it will not always be easy. This is not a new reality for me. What is new is the fact that I recognize that just because I love God, doesn't mean life will be a cake-walk. This has been a very rough reality.
Really it doesn't matter how 'good' of a Christian I will be. Life is still going to suck on occasion. I can't change the circumstances by trying to be better.

Jer came to me this morning with "the look." Yes the one where you say, "Oh crap, what's wrong?" Yes it was crap because he informed me that the neck on his acoustic bass had snapped off. Don't know how or why. Immediately I start to cry as Jerry hangs his head. Just another hurdle right?
Now, why can't I take things like this and say, "Don't worry, God is my strength." "He will make a way." "God is in control.".......I don't say those things because I don't believe them right now. However, I do believe in God. I believe that He is who He says He is and there will be a time when I can look back at all this crap and thank Him. But right now, I'm pretty pissed off. I won't turn my back, but I will take my time. Ultimately I want to be real with God, something I don't think I have ever been. I realize if I turn my back, I have no hope. The things of this world will suck and they will eventually fade away.

I'm tired of being tossed and tousled around like waves in the ocean when things are too much. On that note, are you sure God doesn't give us too much to handle?! Really?!.......I must be pretty damn strong then. I don't want to test that theory, trust me......
So for those of you who are not thrown off course when life hits, who stand strong and acknowledge God; I admire you. Because right now, I'm hanging by a thread.....