In remembrance of my son....

In remembrance....

There we were.....on a movie date. It doesn't happen often so we reveled at the opportunity. And when you're a half an hour early for a movie, you get to enjoy the bazillion previews and pretty lame advertisements.

Then it happened. There was a preview/commercial of a dad camping out with
his son. They hiked, played hide and seek, explored, set up their tent, and built a fire.  The boy laughed while the dad told jokes, they read together and gazed up at the stars.  In the end, the camera shot pans out to reveal that they were in his backyard all along, just spending some quality time with each other and the....iPad.

Well, it wasn't the product they were advertising that got me....it was
the concept. It hit me as each scene unfolded....welling up in my
chest like a summer storm.....Jerry will never experience this with our boy.  I tried to
push it away because it felt silly crying over an iPad commercial but I was no match for the tears.  They started to stream down my face. When it ended, I knew I had to reveal
my vulnerability to my husband. After all I was grieving a moment HE
will never have. As I looked over we locked eyes and he knew,
understood, and felt the same way. He also knew to not take me over
the edge to the bawling phase (which I appreciated).....So he squeezed
my hand and held it tight as we gazed forward at the huge screen. I still proceeded to cry through the next two preview as the residual ache resided.

Although this emotion, grief, and sorrow took me by surprise, I was honestly OK with
it.  They say, "time heals all wounds"....but there are just some wounds
that I don't want healed.  I WANT to always remember my son, even if it's
through an iPad.  Just like when I shed tears at the Disneyland parades
when the princesses wave to my girls or Mickey blows them a kiss, so too I want to shed tears over the memories that will never be made.

Even though I feel grief over what would have been.... it still brings me to
a place of honor and love for my boy and all that he was going to be.  I will remember what was, and what could be.....I love you son.

Thriving Valleys

Thriving Valleys

We were driving up the San Bernardino Mountains recently and I decided to focus on the outside of the car for once.  Staring out the window, I could see the crevices of each mountain peak.  Being in the middle of summer, the tops of the mountains were brown and dry.  But within the crevices, the cracks, the valleys, the foliage was green and lush.  The contrast of the green and the brown was unmistakable.  It was like a piece of rainforest amongst the desert.  I stared and noticed the same thing with every passing peak.....green, lush, thriving valleys.

I began to ponder why this was.....perhaps it is because the valleys are the only path of water.  When it rains, water accumulates and funnels down these crevices.  When it snows, the melting water flows for months.  When the sun shines, these valleys are  shadowed, protected from the oppressive heat.  And so......there is growth.

Then it dawned on me how much it sucks being in the valley. Sure it's all green and healthy now but what about during those treacherous storms?  Imagine the animals, the insects, the little seedling struggling to hold on as the flow of the water rushes over them? When they are barely staying above water in order to survive during the deepest of storms?  How about the freezing melting snow that continually flows for months at a time? Or the periods of darkness when no sunlight shines upon them?

Consider the seedling that is continually drowned, tossed and enduring the wind. In this moment it's our tendency to say, "don't worry seedling, you will be the strongest and greenest on the entire mountainside. This is for the best, you see....you're getting the most water than anyone......you will be blessed!" Or, "I know you haven't seen the light of day in weeks but you will grow so tall, you will be swaying and dancing in it everyday."  How about, "this is meant to be.....this is Gods design."

But the seedling can't hear you amongst the treacherous conditions.  It just wants to hold on, keep its head above water and..... survive.

It truly is in the valleys where our soil gets washed away, drenched yet also nourished.  One day when the sun is hot and dry, the mountaintop will go bare and it's in those valleys where we will flourish, grow, endure.  The soil will be toiled, churned, and beaten down.  Roots grow deep, strong, and sturdy.  The raging swift rivers dwindle down to a trickle and the coolness of the shadows are welcomed offering soothing whispers in the heat of the day.

It is then and only then the seedling will see the light.......the light that was kept from it for so long.......it all makes sense now......finally it dances and sways in the delicate warm breeze. And when the next season of storms come, it will endure again this time with deeper roots and all the while knowing, the light may not be shining on you.....but it's always there.

Christ as a Cover-up

Christ as a cover-up

Well this one is a tough one.  I've been feeling about writing this entry for awhile and just didn't want to.  But here it goes.

Some of you are Christians and clicked on this link out of curiosity on why I would ever say something like this.  Whereas some of you aren't.....but you probably know exactly what I'm going to talk about.

I believe that Christians (myself included) can be the most inauthentic people out there.   I don't think we try to or think that we are....it just happens.  Going on this horrific journey has sometimes saddened me with this reality.  It makes me wonder why 70% of people who are raised in the church leave it.  I feel this may be a big part of that.

As I've gone through shame and how we hide it, it is clear we set up many things to avoid dealing with it.  Losing my son made it impossible for me to hide my shame anymore.  It exposed all those areas where I put on a mask in order to not be vulnerable, in order to be super human.....perfect.  Even in the Christian world we play this game.  Who can be the "perfect" Christian?

Of course it is a silent game.  We aren't aware of it, we are in competition with getting Christ out to a broken world....so it makes it OK.  We are utilizing a "good" thing to infiltrate our lives......but are we really dealing?

I struggled with this so much.  Many hours of "I should" be OK because I have God.  I thought that's what everyone says.....that,"God does everything for a reason.". I had verse after verse given to me, people telling me they will pray for me and honestly A LOT of people just ignoring it altogether.  All of which did NOT help me and made me feel painfully alone through the process.  I kept envisioning those amazing speakers who had horrific stories but always said amazing things about how awesome they were because of God.  I struggled with why I didn't have that story.  Maybe I wasn't the "perfect" Christian.

But we know where this is going.....there is no such thing as a "perfect" Christian and quite honestly it was those imperfect people that I adored (and still do) through this whole thing.  I believe that once we use God as hope instead of a mask, we can really meet people where they are at.  The problem is we use God; for a mask, for good, for our selfish ends...we use God.  Or I should say, we try to use God.  We fool ourselves.

Point is we can't use God.  He is unusable!  And that, in our western
American consumer oriented frame of mind, is where we get the most of
everything upside down.  God is not "out there" to be used like a tool or a
credit card or fire insurance.  If we stop using God as a mask, then we may
see the opportunity to stop trying to "use" him...and simply be available.  Hurting with them, in the trenches, the mud, the madness.....meet them in their warped perspective instead of trying to change it.  You see, when we "can't" identify with someone's pain.....we tend to use the "God card" to meet our Christian quota.....or just avoid it altogether.

I wonder what God is thinking when we use the verses, the rhetoric, the religion as a device to cover rather than dealing with our deepest darkest pain.  It just isn't realistic.  I think that so any people leave because they can't keep up with the charade and it's easier to not believe than to not be real.

Here's the truth.  You can love God with all your heart, soul, and mind and be unimaginably angry with Him.  You can be messy, disgusting, and skip a quiet time and still have an awesome relationship with Him.  You can be painfully imperfect and graphically ugly and still sing His praises.  He is hope and life and he understands darkness more than anyone.

I have wrestled with God and been through my valleys.  I knew during these moments that I was distinctly inauthentic in my relationship with Him more than any other relationship I had.......because I wore Him as a mask.  Being a Christian helped my "perfect" and warped image that I had to uphold.

So..... I wrote a blog on imperfection, authenticity, and vulnerability.  Even though posting this makes me want to throw-up, I know it's an epidemic.  We are losing the fight with this and it is so important to be imperfect and not to shove Christ out there as a cover-up but as a means to our fractured end.

To end, I want to first apologize to those of you reading this that know me and have seen this in me.  Then I want to challenge you.....is your religion/ relationship with God a mask?

Pure Abandon

Pure Abandon

 I love this title. I want to be this title. My child Piper is this title. She is 2 years old in September and she embodies pure abandon. Not long ago she started running at full speed. I would watch her and wonder how the heck she was staying on her feet! She wobbles and meanders but never worries or fears what is going to happen. This girl has no fear of injury. I will surely be in the ER with her plenty of times in my life (fb updates will keep you posted). :)

Recently she fell at full-speed. She hit her head straight on the concrete. Bleeding, she got up with scrapes all over her face and cried for a bit. Fully expecting to go home, I was shocked that the girl wanted to keep going.....to the park. She wiped the blood from her nose and kept walking, clearly determined not to quit. Her destination was more important than her failure. I ADMIRE her perseverance and long to be more like this beautiful representation of abandon.

Have you ever felt abandon? The kind of abandon when you don't try, you don't manipulate, you don't have expectations and you don't have an agenda? That is what makes it pure....it just happens. I can recall moments of abandon. When I let go of all control and live completely in the moment. When I don't care what people think, what I'm wearing, or how dumb I look. When all the world is fading away and I am soaring. I picture it as skydiving......jump out and soar with no care in the world. But do we live this way? Do we take each moment and abandon ourself to it? I know I don't.

 I see my daughter live this everyday. She has no fear of previous circumstances, she throws herself into the moment, and is ok with failing, she will pick herself up and KEEP GOING. She may have not reached her destination but she will die trying. She will shed some tears, wipe off the blood and continue without fear.

I recently had a first-impression moment. I just couldn't wait to get it over with. I seriously thought to myself, "once this is over, a weight will be lifted off of me." Have you ever felt that way? Maybe a presentation or job interview or just a tough week ahead. As the dreaded moment is coming closer I remembered "pure abandon." What if I went INTO this situation with pure abandon instead of feeling weightless AFTER it was over? What if I was completely throwing myself into authenticity? What if I REALLY believed God and His will for my life? It would be then and only then.....I would take that petrifying leap.

But why, why don't I just jump? Because....... I don't want to jack up my face. I'm afraid of the fall, the blood, the tears. I don't want to fail. Joy for me is still not in the process but in after reaching the final destination. My destination determines my mood. If I fall.....I fail.

Piper has taught me that falling is apart of the journey. She shows me courage and heart. She lives fully as a child of God and embraces failure. Sadly I know this too will fade for her. She will see the scrapes in her reflection and feel ashamed. We as parents and educators will tell her to confine her abandon. But I pray she can harness this ability to live freely, without fear. I am blessed to witness it and desire to have a few cuts and bruises myself. And although I am the WORST example of authenticity, I strive to live it....to fall....to fail....to bleed.

Never Good Enough

Lately my mind has been exploding with just great stuff. My therapist told me about this researcher who is seriously amazing. She researches shame, vulnerability, and authenticity. After reading several articles from her and watching her speak I just felt like I didn't need to blog anymore. Her research captures the very essence and passion that I have been writing about but of course in a much more organized fashion!

 After being motivated and fueled by her findings, I couldn't wrap my head around just one topic to tell you about. So many solid truths and great research, my mind was reeling. Then it came to me......in fact I thought I had blogged about this experience before only to find that I had failed to be truly authentic in this.

The image is still in my head as well as the feeling I had in my gut. My church was doing a "labels" series in which we were talking about how we label ourselves with lies. The labels we give ourselves are shameful and stay in darkness where they fester and live very comfortably. My blog on "rats" was birthed from this experience. After hearing that our labels take over our lives and we live by them, we were encouraged to wear a bracelet for the week. On the bracelet we wrote down our label was so that it was out of darkness and could hold no more shame. I immediately knew what mine was.... "not good enough."

As I wrote it on my bracelet I thought, "this is going to suck." It was crazy how wearing my label was a physical representation of how I emotionally carry this burden. I found myself turning my bracelet around, trying to cover it up. When asked about it I thought, "Maybe I will just tell them it's the name of a band or something." I was embarrassed to talk about it and felt painfully vulnerable when it came up. I wanted it to go away, to hide it, to lie about it.

 Months later I'm realizing that I hide this shame in so many different ways. I say things to myself like, "I need to be tanner, thinner, more in shape. My teeth need to be whiter, my students higher and my own children well-behaved. My house and classroom need to look perfect as well as I. Everyone in my family needs to be happy because that is my job. I need to make more money, work harder, be better.". Then it hits me that the standard I have for myself is just another way to not deal with the shame. Brene Brown (the amazing researcher) says that we eat, drink, spend, and work ourselves out of dealing with our shame. Soo true!

Perhaps the most encouraging aspect of her research is I am not alone in feeling this way. Browns research found that only 15 to 20 percent of us are "whole-hearted" or those who feel worthy of belonging. That's a small percentage people.

 A week later I was able to cut off the "label." I wish that cutting it off meant I never felt it again but the truth is, I've only just discovered it and started dealing with it. I have a lot of years to undo. (just re-read the first paragraph of this post to verify that I feel "not good enough" to keep blogging).

 Make no mistake, this blog was purposely not created months ago because of the shame I felt in it. But now that I know 80 percent of you are with me on this....it helps :). My hope is that you might start to identify why you drink, eat, spend and work your way out of shame. It's not easy, or fun, but I can't wait to live life "whole-hearted."

It's Open House, Now Put Away Your Stapler!

It's Open House, Now Put Away Your Stapler!

 I've never really focused on work in my blog before but when focusing on authenticity, it is hard to overlook Open House.

Open House is a lovely time when parents can come to your classroom and admire all your work and see where you sit, who you sit next to and talk to your teacher. As a child I remember showing my mom my pencil box and the books in my desk. I loved coming to school at night and I had so much pride in my classroom.

 Now that I'm a teacher I wonder what has changed. Is it the "times" or the fact that I'm an over-achiever?

 Last Thursday I was frantically finishing my final touches to my classroom before the doors opened....That morning I picked out the perfect outfit and brought everything I needed to look my "best." I had backed everything in my room with black construction paper, searched high and low for a 3-D shark to make for one of my walls, and I even found my educated self (with a masters, mind you) coloring ocean animals. I think the point where I said, "what the heck is wrong with you," is when I started shoving everything that is real into cabinets and drawers. "They can't see this pile of ungraded work," I thought. I started putting extra papers, clutter and everyday teacher items away. Post-it's, teacher manuals, pencils, scissors, and yes even my stapler found its way thrown into the cabinet. Finally I looked around and it was perfect....and completely a facade.

The truth is there is dust, piles, clutter and half-wrinkled student work every single day. Open House is the epitome of in-authenticity. Why do I try so hard to shove the "truth" in the closet? Because.......I want you to believe the lie that I am perfect. A perfect teacher has everything graded, perfect student work and pop-out sharks on their wall right!? Of course not, you say....but the fear is in being vulnerable.....what would you say if....? How would you see me if...? What if I'm the only one who.....?

 The funniest part of the whole night for me is standing in the middle of the room and smiling like, "yes, my room looks like this everyday and it is a perfect representation of my teaching. Then the next morning, I'm frantically trying to locate my damn stapler!

 As I've grown more passionate about trying to live an authentic life, I've come to find that I'm really aware (and frustrated) with situations that aren't authentic. More importantly I find that shove a lot of "crap" into my cabinets everyday. It's what we do, we innately show the facade, the smile, the idea of "yes, I am cool, or smart, or pretty, or popular, or......whatever it is for you." You see we put away the stapler and only show you the result of the stapler. We don't want to show the tools of what got us to our end destination....the blood, sweat, and tears. You see, I want you to think I magically got there, cause I'm cool like that.

 Now that I've finally located all my teaching "crap," I chuckle at my madness....I don't know if the actual Open House night will ever be different but I will be more aware of my true intentions next time. Who knows, maybe I will leave out some teaching tools....like my.......

#winning

#winning

This term has been made popular by the very erratic Charlie Sheen amongst his many rants. It was very clear to all of us that Charlie was not "winning" (yet he clearly thought he was) and perhaps that is why it has stuck with us as the newest phrase.

Lately I've been thinking about what "winning" really is.... I've been raised in the church where I was constantly told, " you can do anything with God.". We clung onto books like the Prayer of Jabez, and read books that made us a better version of ourselves. You could turn on Oprah and hear about how you can envision the best life and it can be yours if you do xyz.

  It's no wonder that my generation has high hopes and big dreams. We put some of our dreams on a pedestal and think that if we reach it, than we have "won." We take the "ordinary" and feel that maybe it isn't good enough, even in our Christian dreams.....

I was deeply moved and impressed with the movie, We Are Marshall. It was about Marshall University and the tragic plane crash that killed most of their players and coaching staff. After the crash, the university considered not having a football team, no coach wanted to step up and take over such a "hot mess " of a situation. But one coach did, Jack Lengyel. He was quite the character and the movie depicts his arrival and struggles while rebuilding the new program.

The team he had to put together was mediocre and just not capable for many reasons. One of them being, he had to use freshman and sophomores because no legitimate player wanted to be apart of the "hot mess" program either. The movie highlights one of their successful games as an organization.

The scene I will never forget is when the assistant coach (Red) confides in Jack and really is frustrated with the multiple losses. He tells him that losing isn't honoring those who lost their lives in the crash. Jack then states, "Red, it doesn't matter if we win or lose. It's not even about how we play the game. What matters is that we PLAY the game. That we take the field and we suit up on Saturdays and we keep this program alive."

Jack didn't take this coaching job to be famous or to do great things with his career, he took it to lose multiple games (his final record was 71-74), to be ridiculed, to be.......ordinary. But his goal was just to show up....that was winning to him. It wasn't the score on the scoreboard.....he kept the program alive. He didn't think to himself, "one day I will write a book or go to the Hall of Fame, or make a big movie." He was just being himself and living his passion. All those things did happen to him but he wasn't motivated by that, he wasn't in it to be a hero, he was in it to give of himself.

How on earth is this related to me? Well, I get caught up in "winning.". I measure myself by looking at the scoreboard and seeing if I have the bigger number. I can use God as my mask of selfishness and greed. But I'm so grateful that through this life I can just "show up" and win. I can show up as my ordinary authentic self and just live this life passionately. I have been turning this blog into a score and I want to apologize to you for making your heart and soul a stat. I pray that I can just be and love without making you into a number. I have heart for this blog and it can be turned into greed for something bigger. If God has bigger plans than so be it, but for now.....I show up and THAT is #winning.