In remembrance of my son....

In remembrance....

There we were.....on a movie date. It doesn't happen often so we reveled at the opportunity. And when you're a half an hour early for a movie, you get to enjoy the bazillion previews and pretty lame advertisements.

Then it happened. There was a preview/commercial of a dad camping out with
his son. They hiked, played hide and seek, explored, set up their tent, and built a fire.  The boy laughed while the dad told jokes, they read together and gazed up at the stars.  In the end, the camera shot pans out to reveal that they were in his backyard all along, just spending some quality time with each other and the....iPad.

Well, it wasn't the product they were advertising that got me....it was
the concept. It hit me as each scene unfolded....welling up in my
chest like a summer storm.....Jerry will never experience this with our boy.  I tried to
push it away because it felt silly crying over an iPad commercial but I was no match for the tears.  They started to stream down my face. When it ended, I knew I had to reveal
my vulnerability to my husband. After all I was grieving a moment HE
will never have. As I looked over we locked eyes and he knew,
understood, and felt the same way. He also knew to not take me over
the edge to the bawling phase (which I appreciated).....So he squeezed
my hand and held it tight as we gazed forward at the huge screen. I still proceeded to cry through the next two preview as the residual ache resided.

Although this emotion, grief, and sorrow took me by surprise, I was honestly OK with
it.  They say, "time heals all wounds"....but there are just some wounds
that I don't want healed.  I WANT to always remember my son, even if it's
through an iPad.  Just like when I shed tears at the Disneyland parades
when the princesses wave to my girls or Mickey blows them a kiss, so too I want to shed tears over the memories that will never be made.

Even though I feel grief over what would have been.... it still brings me to
a place of honor and love for my boy and all that he was going to be.  I will remember what was, and what could be.....I love you son.