Never Let Go...

This song is so amazing and it makes me cry every time. Be Blessed,

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

-Matt Redman

Death

If you haven't already done so, read "The Beginning" (my first couple posts) to fully understand my posts.

So death is really not such a great topic is it? Although, it is something that we will all experience and it is something that is inevitable. So why is it so hard to discuss?
After having death so close to me (literally inside me for a month), it has been a friend of mine. Tears, grief, anger, and confusion. However, sorrow and sadness can be so beautiful. You feel so deeply and so real that it is almost blinding. You must surrender to it and have no choice in the matter. This friend comes and goes as it pleases, most of the time he is uninvited. I have to say it has been so refreshing to have no control over the emotion, no way to mask it, no manipulation in it. It is what it is.
I fear that my friend will visit again. Because it has been so real, I really don't want another appearance. Sometimes I pray that MarKay will make it through the night. I pray on the road that a tire doesn't blow and I leave my child motherless. I get nervous when I haven't heard from Jer when I should have and pray God will spare me and bring him home safely.
But why worry about something I cannot control? Once again, this friend is uninvited. But until he shows up again, I will continue to pray and hope this fear soon fades away.
The deepness of grief will linger and the beauty of feeling so fully with remain and for that...... I am grateful.

Rests.....

I read this the other day and how beautiful it is and so true. Enjoy...

There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music. In the melody of our life, the music is separated here and there by rests. During those rests, we foolishly believe he have come to the end of the song. God sends us times of forced leisure by allowing sickness, disappointed plans, and frustrated efforts. He brings a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives, and we lament that our voices must be silent. We grieve that our part is missing in the music that continually rises to the ear of our Creator. Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there.
God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we sorrowfully say to ourselves, "There is no music in a rest," let us not forget that the rest is part of the making of the music. The process is often slow and painful in this life, yet how patiently God works to teach us! And how long He waits for us to learn the lesson!
-John Ruskin

I am in the rest, the pause, the silence.....waiting for the music to start again. It will I know.

Hanging by a thread

Ok so I hate feeling like I am hanging by a thread. Life is tough. It will not stop, and it will not always be easy. This is not a new reality for me. What is new is the fact that I recognize that just because I love God, doesn't mean life will be a cake-walk. This has been a very rough reality.
Really it doesn't matter how 'good' of a Christian I will be. Life is still going to suck on occasion. I can't change the circumstances by trying to be better.

Jer came to me this morning with "the look." Yes the one where you say, "Oh crap, what's wrong?" Yes it was crap because he informed me that the neck on his acoustic bass had snapped off. Don't know how or why. Immediately I start to cry as Jerry hangs his head. Just another hurdle right?
Now, why can't I take things like this and say, "Don't worry, God is my strength." "He will make a way." "God is in control.".......I don't say those things because I don't believe them right now. However, I do believe in God. I believe that He is who He says He is and there will be a time when I can look back at all this crap and thank Him. But right now, I'm pretty pissed off. I won't turn my back, but I will take my time. Ultimately I want to be real with God, something I don't think I have ever been. I realize if I turn my back, I have no hope. The things of this world will suck and they will eventually fade away.

I'm tired of being tossed and tousled around like waves in the ocean when things are too much. On that note, are you sure God doesn't give us too much to handle?! Really?!.......I must be pretty damn strong then. I don't want to test that theory, trust me......
So for those of you who are not thrown off course when life hits, who stand strong and acknowledge God; I admire you. Because right now, I'm hanging by a thread.....

Ironic

I just think it is ironic that my counselor is on maternity leave. Yeah I know....
She wanted to make sure I was ok with her being my counselor after we lost the baby. I kinda wanted to laugh because I already have one =).
I am very grateful of this fact. I can't imagine going through this without having MarKay. Although I know I mentioned before that this scares me a bit. I really don't want to use my little one as my healing agent. I want her to be my daughter and not the source of filling my 'void.' I do believe that God planned it this way. I know that she is my beam of light, the reality that birth is a miracle, my hope, and the fact that God is good. So in all this darkness, thank you God that you have given me a ray of light. She is the biggest reason I don't turn my back, fall off the edge, and find the strength to move on.
My other reason? Jerry. I told him with our baby still lifeless in utero that I wanted to have 'this' make us stronger, closer together, and even more unified than ever. The road is tough but I am so grateful to have him. I have also said, I would never want to go through something like this without someone like him. That is another blessing.
So through all this, I am surrounded. Surrounded with love and life. I don't want to miss it.....

Fear

Fear is a pretty tricky thing. I think it is the source of how I have lived my life for who knows how long. The "What If" syndrome is debilitating and really prevents me from living life to the fullest.
Someone once asked, "If you had three wishes, what would they be?" Others wanted money, talent, bigger boobs.....

But when it boils down to it, I wish for this:
1. Confidence
Really if I had this, I would be able to do anything. There are very few things I feel confident in.
2. No Fear/Faith
Ok so I am kinda cheating here but wouldn't you say this is connected?
3. Humility
After I believe I can conquer the world, I would only want to fear God and thank Him for all the confidence he gave me =).

Yeah I want bigger boobs too but if I had true confidence, I wouldn't need that. I want to be an amazing singer, but without confidence; I wouldn't believe I was an amazing singer (maybe I don't now). Ah yes, the money factor. Well I believe that money would erase all of our 'problems.' This ultimately is a lie and if you don't believe me, you need to watch "The Curse of Lottery Winners." Although I would love to stay home with my little one. However, who's to say fear isn't keeping me from that even right now? Who knows.

I truly believe that we don't have all these things so that we can choose to trust God. To build our faith through this thing called life. Faith and trusting is not easy.....I have not arrived when it comes to that. Wonder if that will ever happen. It just might be the thing that we will forever strive to have. No fear....faith......freedom.

Even If Your Hands are Shaking....

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken....
Even as your eyes are closing,
do it with a heart wide open......

-John Mayer