I'll never forget sitting on "the couch" three years ago in my darkest
of days listening to my therapist tell me my "homework." I loved
having homework because I wanted to get through this hell as quickly
as possible so whatever that meant, I would do.
She said, "I want you to sit and do nothing for five minutes. I don't
want the TV on, or music. Just be. Whatever comes of that is fine."
Sounds easy enough. Five minutes is nothing.
So I sat in a dark room. I looked at my hands finding every wrinkle
and nook. I looked up and found a crack in the ceiling. I noticed the
paint wasn't quite right in the far left corner. After all of this,
I glanced at the clock. Dang it!, only thirty seconds went by! I
forced myself to focus, to sit. As the minutes slowly turned, I was
astounded at how painful, agonizing, and very difficult it was. In
that time I felt pain, sadness, anger......I cried. I relived
heartache and questioned my values. I didn't like to "just be," it was
excruciating.
Then I understood.....this is silence. I do not welcome it, I curb
silence with noise. I find noise that takes me away, away from the
fear, anxiety, anger. I find things to lift my spirits, thwart my
pain for another day. I don't deal.
Well that homework assignment was done. I got it, so I did it a whole
3 more times after that and then I forgot about it. I went back to
filling my days with music I loved, TV in the background, books of
interest, and the noise of my two children singing, chattering and
arguing.
A couple weeks ago I got to venture up the mountain for a weekend away
with the women on my side of the family.....by myself. I was even
making the drive by myself which is unusual. I blasted my favorite
songs on the radio and sang at the top of my lungs. Then I started
meandering up the long winding road.
My radio station was fading. I went as long as I could until all I
heard was static. My CD player was full of kids music and my iPod at
home I was forced to be in silence. "This is going to be a problem," I
thought. I didn't want to feel. I dreaded it. I wondered what
thoughts would reside in my soul. I wondered what I would "just be."
So I embraced it, turned off the static and drove in silence.
Going up the mountain in fall weather was breathtaking. The trees were
laden with crimson and golden leaves while the wind caused them to
twinkle against the evergreens. Looking down I saw a blanket of clouds
kissing the valley. Snow was expected as a chill seeped into the
crevices of my car and settled into my bones. The seat warmer had been off for
a year and I got to turn it on.
I started to get overwhelmed by this amazing beauty. Beauty of God, the beauty of my life and even the beauty of pain. Tears filled my
eyes and overflowed down my cheeks. I didn't know why I was crying but
I knew it was a good cry, one that I would not have had without the
friend of silence.
After the arrival at the cabin, it was just me and my mom for a few
hours. As we sat and chatted by the crackles of the fire, snow
flurries started to float down from the grey sky above. I went out
alone to take some pictures and the silence was deafening. I could hear my every breath and crack of kindling under my feet. It's as if the world was muted, silently preparing to cover itself in white splendor.
I looked up and basked in the miracle of snow and just sat as tears
streamed down my face. This was magical, I was lucky to have this
moment, to receive these little frozen kisses from above. I didn't
want it to end. I wanted this simplicity to last forever.
My moment soon faded as life swept me up again in her whimsical hustle and bustle. As I look back on my long-time battle with silence, I realize that the problem with it is the fear it brings. I fear what I will be. Will I be angry, sad, bitter, or confused? Will I
get in touch with the dark, ugly side of me? I fear these emotions,
these potential heartaches.
But by avoiding them, I miss the joys. The immense beauty, the silent
blessings and secrets from my creator.
The meandering road reminded me of the pain of silence but brought me
the quietness of joy I had been missing.
This experience reminded me of a quote I read by Brene Brown, "We
can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light."
This has been so true in my life. I avoid the dark like the plague
and I wonder how often I keep the light out as well.
Silence was just an acquaintance, a homework assignment but has slowly become my friend. I invite him over more often and visit with him on occasion. I don't always welcome him with open arms but like most friends, I welcome the challenges he brings. Sometimes I miss my friend and don't purposefully avoid him, I just don't always have the time to enjoy him. But lately silence has been a friend I look forward to spending time with. I find myself wanting it more and more. I even get excited when I have an opportunity to sit with him. Silence really is "golden." There is more worth in silence than any other distractor I have. Silence loves me just the way I am. With him I can "just be" and whatever that brings is good enough and welcome.
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