Make-Up My Mask

Make-Up My Mask

Being a mom of two young girls I have to get myself ready before they wake up or else it just doesn't happen.  Since I'm a working mom, getting my "face on" before my little ones rise is a must.  The other day I happened to be freshening up my make-up when my four-year old came in to chat as I was getting ready.  The conversation went something like this:

"Mommy, what are you doing?"
"I'm putting on make-up," I said.
She replied, "Why?"

I paused.  My natural response was, "To cover up my blemishes." Or, "To make me look prettier." Or perhaps the most recent reason, "To cover my wrinkles so I look younger."

I sat there in silence because I wanted to protect my sweet innocent daughter from the truth that, I cover up my face to present a better one.  Finally I just told her, "Its what grown up people get to do."

I thought about that for awhile, yeah we "get to" feel insecure about all of our flaws and cover them up.  We "get to" feel prettier and  more secure with our "face on.". Somehow someway, this is a "privilege" that all girls wait with baited breath to do....

Ironically enough, about a week later I participated in a fundraiser where professionals did my hair and make-up and pictures were taken of me.  I paid an amazing reasonable fee to help my friend go to Palestine.

An awesome opportunity turned into a vulnerable situation for me.  The last time I had my hair and make-up done was for my wedding.  Of course you get your hair and make-up done then.....you have those pictures for a lifetime, you MUST look your best! But this, this was just for me? It seemed kind of selfish, and a little out of the box.

It was hard for me to leave my house with no make-up and my hair all a mess.  I knew I would look like a fraction of myself in no time but the car ride was a bit painful.  I arrived to see make-up artists all set up.  Beautiful dresses lay all around and people were buzzing with excitement.  I immediately felt like I didn't belong in this environment but laughed it off and tried to soak it all in.

As I sat, I got layers and layers of make-up put on my face.  I moved several times just to get in the perfect light.  As I glanced over at the make-up table, I felt like there were surgical tools that I couldn't begin to identify being used by my "expert" of transformation.

A half an hour later, I looked in the mirror at the final product. I felt like a different person in my own skin. Being the actress that I am, I needed to portray a character...... a confident beautiful woman who was used to this kind of pampering and attention.  As the photo shoot proceeded, I kept telling my subconscious to "be myself" but I wasn't really sure who that was.

Weeks later I came to the conclusion that the "final product" was representing a different version of myself.  The reflection in the mirror was the "pretend perfect Erin" version.  My wrinkles and blemishes were covered and the perfect artist worked on all the aspects of my face.  It's unrealistic and inauthentic.

The layers of make-up are the layers of my mask.  This mask lets you see the perfect version of the truth.......flawless.  As I hesitated to reveal the "secrets" of why I wear make-up to my daughter,  I realized that she will start applying the layers of her mask.  Little did I know that my response of, "that's what grown-ups get to do," was so profound as is sickening.

As I grew, I formed my mask to be what I thought I should be.  I put layer upon layer until I didn't recognize myself, I was a version of myself.....what I thought to be the "perfect" version. But I know that perfection is a lie, unobtainable.

More than anything, I became a character, a fictional woman who pretended to be.  I was the perfect Christian, wife, mom, athlete, and teacher.  Layer upon layer I developed this perfect mask.

However, along with being a "grown-up" comes pain, suffering, and trial.  The mask and the reality don't coexist. God originally orchestrated my face, my body, my character.  He is the original artist that I continually cover up with what I think is beautiful.  He created my flaws, my blemishes, my laugh lines.  I have pain, and hurt, and anger.....He knows that too.

Over the years I'm beginning to embrace the "natural look", the stripped away soul, and  melting off my make-up mask.  I'm starting to feel more "myself" without all the layers.  Before the layers offered security and now I find myself ripping it off to stay real, to love in this "real" often messed-up life.  I'm craving the raw relationship with the author of my life to pour into me His will for me.  With that as my role, I can do no wrong.

The next time I apply my make-up in front of my daughter I want to be honest with her.  Tell her that I put on make-up because I think it makes me look better.  But the truth is, I am more beautiful just the way God had planned and designed me to be.  But more importantly I want HER to know that SHE is perfect in HIS image too.

I pray that if I do make-up a mask, it is one of authenticity, vulnerability, and a rawness that reflects my true character no matter how flawed and blemished it is.  Because it is then and only then I can truly be Gods masterpiece.