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I was rushing out of Target with my 2 and 4 year old tucked into the cart. It was getting late and dinner was on my mind. I needed to get home so I could start putting it together. I quickly buckled my kids in and got into the car.
I glanced out of my passenger window to see a woman grabbing my cart. I thought she was going to ask me if she could take it but I noticed that she was very angry. We caught eyes and she furrowed her brow as she screamed at me through my closed passenger door, "What, you couldn't move up your cart two more feet?!?!?! You selfish B@$&#!"
I was stunned. I sat in my car with my mouth open continuing to look at her in disbelief. She proceeded as she got into her car stating, "What is wrong with you?! You are a selfish, selfish, selfish (finger pointing) b$&@#!"
The best way I can describe how this verbal abuse effected me is by using the word; violated. She violated my character. Her entire view of me was wrapped up on an innate object and my positioning of it.
Several emotions and conclusions came to me over the last several days after this incident.
The first one being rage. My initial response was to get out of my car and walk over to her and beat her to the ground with my big ass purse.....with no remorse. The second response I had was to roll down my window and spew hatred back at her. As funny as that sounds, it scared me to death. I wondered why these thoughts and emotions were coming to me. I wanted to harm her as much as she was harming me. I wanted to convince her that she was in the wrong.....not me. I wanted to give her a dose of her own medicine, after all, she deserved it.
Sadness. I wanted to cry. Most of the time I get to choose to be vulnerable. I open myself up to others on my own accord. But this, this was an unplanned, an unwarranted attack on the very depths of who I am. I was off-guard with my defenses down, I cried over the wound she had caused.
Anger. Although I think this goes along with rage I felt anger for a different reason. As I played the scenario over in my head and felt the sting, I got mad. Why do I care so much!? She is a complete stranger who doesn't even know me and here I am shedding tears and pondering over the event for days! She clearly has issues if she is going to take something like this out on me! UGH!
Defeat. She won. She left in her car thinking, "she told me." She took a piece of me and ran.....all the while never thinking she was wrong. I didn't defend myself.....I couldn't think of what to say to convince her that she was devastating me and it wasn't OK.
Lack of Grace. So, I may have made a mistake, I may have forgotten to move the cart up but I felt an absence of grace. I wasn't allowed to make a mistake. I had to be perfect, no excuses.
Scum of the earth. I notice when I have interactions with someone who feels entitled, they make me feel like less than a person. She wanted me to feel this way. She was the "better" person while I was just selfish and I don't consider anyone or their feelings.
So what did I do? I stayed in my car. I looked into her eyes the whole time she was spewing at me. I wanted her to know I was looking straight into her soul. I had two impressionable girls in the back seat of my car. Thankfully they weren't paying attention but I knew they would if I opened my door or rolled down my window to respond. I also knew they wouldn't be watching her but they would fix their eyes and ears on me and see how I would respond. So I sat........ and took it.
A couple days after the violation, I had to return to the scene of the crime. I was scared. I gave myself a pep talk (it consisted of me chanting: "be perfect, be perfect, you can do it!") and decided to go in with confidence. I parked beautifully if I don't say so myself, I went in with a smile and two crazy kids hanging off my cart. As I drove down each aisle I surveyed each person I passed. I smiled when necessary and quickly apologized for any missteps along the way. I had my guard up but what transpired through this was really quite amazing.
My youngest decided she was going to sing at the top of her lungs. Over and over and over again. My instinct was to stop her because I didn't want to set anyone off but then I stopped. Here I was about to squelch joy "just in case" it was going to be offensive. I caught myself and instead, I started singing along and so did my four-year old. Soon we were all singing "Fantastic Gymnastics!" through the aisles of Target.
As we traveled I can't tell you how many smiles I got. One woman stopped me and said, "I don't know about you but I'm really enjoying them." Another man told me I was doing a great job as a mom. Someone else said they missed those days with their kids and I can't count how many "cutes" I got.
My soul filled with joy as I realized, my guard was up today for violation and all I got was validation. A piece of heaven came down and shone it's face to me. We kept singing and laughing all the way to the car and after I finished packing the groceries and buckling the girls in, I pushed the empty cart up two more feet with a smile. Not because I was told to but because I was OK with giving myself some grace even if others couldn't.
Erin,
ReplyDeleteI swear, I am holding back tears as I respond to this post. I was pregnant with Andrew when I was verbally assaulted by the parent of a child who peed in the classroom I was subbing in. Her child had been a nightmare the entire day and I believed her request to go to the bathroom was another ploy to get out of work and cause mayhem. So the answer was to wait til P.E. Well, she had an accident, and when mother came to pick her up, she let me have it in front of all the other 2nd graders while I'm 7 months pregnant. It took all I had to remain strong, not let the children see me break and remain an example for them as to how to handle a situation such as this. She asked for my name to report to the principal. I wrote my name down for her and she snatched it from my hands proceeding to tell the kids not to listen to anything I had to say. It was all I could do not to cry. Though I did break down in the car like a baby. Perhaps the hormones. But I can still recall it like it happened yesterday. Your post reflects exactly how I felt. I just took it and felt as though she got away with it, feeling like she really "told me". I didn't get to defend myself because I had 25 little faces watching me. I cringed going back to that school, and 6 months later I was in another classroom with the same little girl, and a few of the same classmates. I was shaking, but pressed forward with a smile on my face. Determined to be the victor. That weekend I went on a retreat with our church for leadership training. I still felt beat up, until the pastor spoke on character. This is what resonates with me and comes to mind when I think back on this time. Often this scripture is thought of when thinking on an employer and employee relationship.
"Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.
(Ephesians 6-8)
Serving the Lord at all times, and not man, nor our selfish desires to be right. We are to be shining examples, which hurts. It hurts. I have to admit, it still hurts me today when I think back on it. At the end of the day, I know I did the right thing, and that feels better than the regret I would feel if I said what would have felt good in the moment, Anyways, I had to share with you this very personal experience since you were sharing yours. Congratulations for making it through this tough test. We are now in our own sorority of women who've had to "take it" for God's glory.
Love you,
Leilani
Leilani,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing with me as we share similar slams on our character. I can't even imagine your horror when all this happened to you. When I went around telling this story, so many people shared with me theirs....it's a sad world and so many others have had their character ripped apart. I love sharing life with you. Thank you for your heart and your AMAZING character! I love you!