Notes to Heaven

Notes to Heaven

The last two weeks have been quite the emotional roller coaster.  Being back to the routine of "normal" has brought circumstantial highs and emotional lows.  From first day back at work to first doctor appointment since the surgery, to co-leading a training, I just felt so all over the place. I was afraid I wouldn't have time to process all this.  I was afraid I would fill my emotional capacity with the everyday clutter and not take the important moments to just "be" the hot mess I was.

And then there are my girls.  They are old enough to understand this loss and I wasn't sure they were able to process and say everything they had on their hearts.  After much counsel, we decided to have a moment where they can write a note to either Jesus or the baby. We tied the notes to a balloon of their choice and sent it up to heaven.

MarKay being bright enough asks me, "Do the balloons really make it to heaven?" "That's the idea," I said.  "But what if it pops or gets stuck?, she wondered. "The great thing about that is if it doesn't make it to heaven, Jesus already knows what we wrote, sending it up is more for us. It helps us let go of anything we are wanting to say" I said.

And with that she was off to get a piece of paper.  She needed time to think about what she wanted to say so Piper was first:

Oh the innocence of a child.  PJ being the youngest and the least able to understand was letting her prayer be heard that she wanted the baby back.

MarKay wanted to write to the baby and to Jesus.

    

Other than really wanting twins, MarKay showed me that she believes her baby is safe in heaven having fun.  This shows that she loves Jesus, and she already practices dwelling on things good, lovely, true, and honorable.  By thanking Jesus in her note for the world, she understands Philippians 4:8 so much better than I do.

As for me, I've talked to God, I've told him the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But I don't think I thought to write my child a note.  Although it is a very strange thought that I had housed my deceased child for a month.... once I realized it would be my last day holding him/her, I was sad.  I just reveled in writing my son or daughter what was in my heart.

What I didn't foresee in this whole exercise was what came from my girls' hearts after we released the notes.  When we came home, Piper was so happy.  She said, "Jesus is going to bring the baby back now."  "Why do you think that?" I asked.  "Because we sent him a note asking for the baby back and now he will send us the baby!" she said.  I looked at Jerry knowing that this was going to be a conversation I wasn't sure how to have.  We sat her down and talked to her about how Jesus doesn't always give us what we ask for. We talked about how He gives us what's best for us.  I told her I have asked for a lot of money before but I know that it it might not be what is best for me.  I asked her if she loved candy and asked for it all the time, did she think it would be good for her? As the words were coming out of my mouth, I was listening to my own voice realizing that I was learning so much from this.  I might not like what I'm hearing, and Piper might not either but it is true and good and right.

Well the conversation went in one ear and out the other because the next day at church both girls were announcing that they sent up a note to Jesus to bring the baby back and He will.

Oh how my heart knew that this is just a lifelong lesson that even I am still trying to understand.  Their innocence just makes me feel like a child myself in my relationship with God.  I was careful not to correct them or tell my them they were wrong for asking or wrong for thinking what they did.  I know they will learn as life goes on.  God will come through for them on many and most occasions and when it seems like He doesn't, I want them to feel the freedom to ask, wonder, and plead with Him.  I know He will meet them in that, He will love them through it, and He will never leave them.

So in this, I will dwell.  It was a pure moment.  One that was painful yet beautiful.  One that was true and honest.  One that that was of good repute and worthy of praise. It was a moment that I will never forget.  I pray it gives God all the Glory, for in our weakness, He is strong.