Here Again

Here Again


On Wednesday May 21st I had my 16 week check-up.  These check-ups always bring a certain level of anxiety for me until I get to hear that sweet baby heartbeat and then I know all is well.  The appointment started out as usual and then came that dreaded moment when the nurse practitioner started looking for the heartbeat.  I knew right away the result was going to be tragic as I had flashbacks of 5 years ago going through my head.

The doctor came in to give me an in-room ultrasound and on the monitor I saw my sweet lifeless baby.  Shock set in as I realized I was going through the nightmare again that rocked my world and still shapes me today.  The baby was 12 1/2 weeks, this is exactly what happened with Jerin but just a month earlier.

I sat in the room awaiting paperwork to sign for a DNC, something of which I had heard of but had no experience of.  I realized that the next day was my birthday and also the last day I would be pregnant. I also realized that all this really, really, really sucked.

I had two girls at home who would understand this in their own way, two beautiful pure souls that I didn't want to tarnish with anguish but knew there was no way around it.

As I sat in the parking lot waiting for Jerry to come get me I wondered how I was possibly going to do this again.  I still am.

Here's how I am doing......really:

The verse we as a family have adopted, secured and written on our wall is Philippians 4:8

Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Right now I can't take it "a day at a time," so I take it minute by minute.  I seek the things from the above verse.  I am so relieved that sadness, anger, morning and grieving are "pure" and "true." And I also revel in the amazing gifts of my two precious and beautiful girls that I am so so blessed to have.  The amazing love and spirit in my husband is so evident right now.  The overwhelming support I have gotten from my friends, even acquaintances from Facebook and my church family (this is truly where the word family comes into reality). My family who has gone through so much with me these last 5 years are suiting up again for the next.  I could go on and on of these "lovely, honorable, and worthy of praise" gifts I have.

And I would be lying if I didn't feel, think or believe things that are not honorable, right, pure, lovely, etc.....I do.  I allow them to come, I'm thinking of getting a jar for those things because those too are real.  I want to think and feel them, write them down and then bind them up and give them to God to cast them out on my behalf.
Here's some specifics on what to pray for:

Mornings are the worst time for me.  I open my eyes and realize that this is really happening, it's true.  Pray for me in the morning.

Pray I find balance in caring for, protecting, and processing with my girls.  My first instinct is to protect them for this sadness of mine but I know they will learn so much from this authentic struggle.  I pray for guidance on this.

Pray for my husband as he is just remarkable but  also has had a loss.  Pray he too can process while taking care of me and the girls.

As this week brings the "normal" routine back into reality, the usual simple things are very difficult and emotionally exhausting.  Pray I can ask for help when needed and that  God would give me the strength to go about the day.

Pray for the three aspects in my life: physical, emotional, spiritual.  Pray I can rest in not feeling "normal" in these areas, that I would give myself time and patience (I'm not good at this usually so this is even more heightened).

Last of all I want to thank you.  I know you clicked on this link knowing you wouldn't be reading a happy story.  You probably knew you would cry and feel heartache with me.  It is such a blessing knowing you are willing to meet me where I'm at.  Those of you who have journeyed with me through this blog for 5 years, thank you for joining me on this path.  My prayer is somehow, someway God will make my suffering matter but most of all, my life even in sorrow would bring Him glory.  I pray that upon you as well.  Love to you all.

Stay tuned, I'm going to have a lot to say in the coming years.