Elephants: Five Years Later

 

This "elephants" series began at the first year anniversary of my son's death. I anxiously anticipated it with fear and trembling not knowing how I would handle re-living such a horrible time in my life. My counselor told me the story of elephants when I was speaking to her about my anxiety of this significant date. She told me elephants remember where their loved ones remains are and every year they go to the bones and cradle and caress them lovingly. It's as if they are remembering them with the sweetest of memories and all they meant to them. Never before did I think I could relate to the memory of an elephant. But on or around February 9th, I lovingly remember my boy.

Wow five years later.  I would have a five year old boy this year. I mean that's crazy.

I remember the funny things this year.  It seems odd to have anything funny related to this event but I remember looking at Jerry as the chaplain asked us all sorts of questions about whether or not we wanted to "bless" the body and if we wanted certain things that I didn't even know what they meant.  When she left I looked at him and asked, "Are we supposed to do that!?" And then we laughed.

I remember sweet things like my dad being in the room the entire 10 hours of labor until it was "time."  I remember watching "The Princess Bride" while in the hospital hoping that movie wouldn't be ruined forever after that night.  I remember ringing the delivery bell (a doorbell type button that rings through the hall signaling another baby was born) as I was wheeled away to the trauma floor knowing that I did deliver my sweet baby boy.  The hospital staff was just amazing and sensitive and caring.  Nurses cried with me and my doctor was overly attentive.

I remember the sad things like the rain falling outside my recovery window. I remember going to the funeral home to arrange his cremation. I remember that feeling so unnatural and wrong.  The attendant helping us gave us advice about losing a child. He said, "be kind to each other, you will grieve differently." Little did I know at the time how true that advice would be.  I remember falling to the floor in despair hearing the news that he was gone and waiting three days to deliver him.  I remember being afraid of holding him because I might die of heartbreak.  I remember being afraid of losing it at work, the grocery store, or just about anywhere.....I still am.

I remember who I was five years ago and the journey this day had started. The deepest revelations I've had is in my relationship with God.  From authentic feelings to the meaning of prayer, I have grappled with my faith like never before.  I am still learning so much but I am so open to this growth.  I find myself accepting, surrendering and living in the presence of God. I am living in a true relationship with Him rather than trying to live up to unrealistic expectations that I put on myself.  I'm excited about these realizations and the blessings that have come from the deepest of pains and suffering.  Some real light and clarity has come to me with God's help through this tragedy.

Looking back I remember this life being more like a roller coaster than anything else.  I'm noticing the repercussions I have from this day five years ago.  It's amazing how one tragic even can change you, from the good to bad.  I'm seeing that I see the world differently like never before. From anxiety, to trust issues, to PTSD, I am realizing I will never be the same and some things will be a constant battle.

But I also remember the moment when, through this event, I have developed a passion and a heart for those who suffer.  I'm remembering all of you who "understood" me yet have never gone through a loss like mine.  Those of you who walk this life, as I am, wondering how to be completely human yet love Christ at the same time.  We've come together in different circumstances because suffering happens and society doesn't know what to do with it.  I have a heart for us Christians who walk through life checking our relationship with God off of the obedient list instead of finding freedom in vulnerability.

Looking back has inspired me to look forward. Remembering my son and all he has brought to light also challenges me to continue growing in his memory.  I desire to be more vulnerable in sharing this story, to get behind the computer screen and share.  I hope to continue to help those suffering and searching for answers who, like me, wonder how God fits into all of the chaos.   I strive to never go back to who I was because that would be an easy life, but to have authenticity in every relationship and moment.

So I enter today with gratitude.  As I cradle and hold my sons' memory, I praise and thank God for the son He granted me and everything he has added to my life since then.  I spend the day looking at my daughters and realizing the miracle of birth and life.  I revel at the amazing husband I have been given and all the support he has given me since losing his only son too.  I bask in the hope that only God can give in this life and the suffering it brings.  And I take one step in front of the other, choosing to take this memory and use it to change hearts....changing hearts of fear, bitterness, and doubt.....to change hearts just like mine.  Thank you son, thank you Lord for the last five years of refinement, sifting, and metamorphosis.  May the next the next five years strengthen my wings to fly and soar in your presence.