Christianeese

I haven't written in a while because I know what I need to talk about......this is by far the scariest post I've done. I'm petrified of what you will think of me because this matter is so personal and so dear and so......political. But I know it needs to be said and if I'm to continue to live an authentic life, then here we go.

I wanted to be profound and write metaphorically and use powerful words but I threw that out, it's going to be raw folks, hope you can handle it! As I've mentioned before, I realize through the journey of my sons death that I had a very unauthentic relationship with God. I wanted to be a "good christian.". I figured out what that meant by hearing sermons, reading books, and talking with other Christians. So I did all those things that made me great, here are just a few of them:

Go to church

Be involved

Be in a bible study

Read scripture (have a daily quiet time)

Memorize scripture

Pray (use the ACTS acronym, A -adoration, C-confession, T-thanksgiving, S-supplication)

So as you can see I was exhausted and really didn't get to ALL these things everyday. But with that came guilt because I wasn't measuring up. I mean God gave His Son for me, the least I could do was live completely for Him. All of the above defined that. Oh and by the way, I had a hard time enjoying the process. There were things that I did really enjoy like being involved and especially worship. I loved fellowship and talking about God through our life experiences. But I had a hard time with the task of reading, memorizing, and sectioning out time alone with God. I kept thinking it would get easier, I equated it with running.....the more you do it, the easier it will be and you will WANT to do it. I was told that you should do all the above things even if you don't want to because God commands it. And....you will be better for it. Little did I know that this was not helping my relationship with God but was slowly building a wedge between us called works. I started equating Gods love for me with what I did for Him rather than who I was. That is why the guilt happened. I knew I had disappointed Him when I didn't get up to my alarm to spend time with Him. I was doing all I could, juggling so many balls in the air until one dropped and they all began to fall.

After losing Jerin I was mad. I do all these things, I do all the "right" things and this happens!??! I didn't KNOW God. My foundation was all knowledge based. I knew of Him, i knew what He does and is capable of doing.....It was Christianeese. Yep I made up a word. But true, I could say all the right things, do all these things, I could tell people anything I could about God.....and then He allowed my son to die and I had nothing. I was mad my Christianeese had ceased. It was gone because it wasn't true. It wasn't authentic. I didn't have a heart relationship with Him. The rubber meets the road and I had to figure this out.

So my son dies and I try to "fix" these feelings I had towards God. I needed to get my Chrisitaneese back! I was broken and I couldn't talk up the christian walk, I couldn't say God is great, God is good. But I tried. Let me tell you this, you can't have a Chrisitaneese relationship when your mad, but this is where the authenticity comes in. I didn't know (still don't) how to have an authentic relationship with God.

I immediately realized all of my "tasks" needed to be removed or else I would fall back into the lie. I dont have regimented times with God. I have removed myself from task oriented things because those things were defining me. I need to be still and be vulnerable and be imperfect even in this. I can honestly say that the most difficult thing for me to do is to just.....be. I am no longer the hamster running aimlessly in the wheel, I have forced myself to get off and just BE.

I've explored what it truly means to be a "good Christian.". Those of you who are ready to quote me scripture I want to say, it can't be defined. I defined it by trying to do the above things but it didn't work....for me that is. I've told my counselor, I'm afraid that I am not in a relationship with Him right now because I know if I go back, it would be because I am trying to "do" again and not "be." She asked me to define what a relationship with God should look like. I knew what I thought it should be. But I didn't know what an authentic one looked like. I started rattling off all the things I thought and she stopped me and said, "God doesn't need you." She explained that He created me to have a relationship with Him. He is God, he doesn't need me to complete tasks for His sake. He places those things for us so we can know Him better. He doesn't NEED me to have a quiet time everyday or memorize scripture......that's for me. It's the tools He gives me to better understand Him. Wow. It seems so self explanatory.....but all along I was doing because I thought He wanted me to, expected me to, or was disappointed if I didn't.......there is no freedom in that kind of thinking or relationship.

So I am still in the process of being real with my relationship. I really feel so vulnerable and challenged in this place. I feel like Adam and Eve when they realized they were naked, I am uncomfortable because I've stripped away all that is familiar to me so that I can start over. I've said no to memorizing scripture in my bible study because my urge was to say yes only because I didn't want them to think less of me. I didn't fast how I "should of" because all I could think about was how much weight I would lose in that time. Yep it's embarrassing but true, that was the old me who did things for people rather than God. Now I am just "being" for God and it feels so right.

I want to end by saying this: I'm on a journey, I value all the things we "do" to know and understand God. If you "do" all those things, I value you and respect you. I'm in no way passing judgement on what you do and I pray there is no judgement on me. I am here to live more fully and authentically and I challenge you to do the same. There is freedom in being real....it is uncomfortable yet so liberating.....