This last month

In the last four weeks we've lost our nanny, Jerry has lost his job, and we spent 48 hours in CHOC with MarKay.

It's hard to say how I'm doing really. Honestly I feel like I'm doing better than what I had expected. I'm starting to think that this is the "peace that surpasses all understanding" that I have desperately been waiting for.

Over these last two years I feel that I've been on a roller coaster of fear. Every circumstance has me holding my breath to see what fate God has in store for me. I've struggled with rendering myself ineffective for God. How could He use me if I was consistently questioning, angry, and had so little faith?

Now that some crazy things have happened, I'm strangely feeling a sense of peace. A sense that everything is going to be ok, that this was planned and somehow will work out to benefit us in the end. Yet even as I'm typing this I fear uttering the words, "peace." I hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Two things have been said that has really helped me put this whole thing in perspective.

The first thing was some insight from my counselor. I was telling her how my relationship with God looked so different than what I thought it was "supposed" to....she said, "Erin, what if your mom had the power to save your son or to keep him alive and she didn't? Your relationship with her would forever be different. You would be angry, hurt, and confused. You would have a hard time trusting her and maybe not talk to her for awhile or worse." Yes.....so true! I feel Ike this helped me put into perspective that my relationship with God is just that....a RELATIONSHIP. One that ebb and flows, that goes though different stages of life, rocky paths and unspeakable bliss. THIS is the single reason why I have felt so authentic with God for the first time.

The second thing happened this past Sunday.
Mike Erre came to speak at our church. I won't even try to replicate what he said so I've posted it for everyone in hopes you will have time to watch it. What really hit home for me is the fact that God doesn't promise us an easy life. So...if that is the case, why follow Him? I've always beleived that He would protect me from harm, He would guide me to safety and be my shephard. Since I have lost my son, I haven't believed that. This is why my life's circumstances have dictated how I feel God loves me. Because of this new "reality" that God isn't always saving me from harm, I've often thought, "forget it, I'm through with this following God business, what's in it for me?" Yes selfish, I know....but true. Well, I know that I have mentioned this before but I have nowhere else to go. No person, destination, or substance can give me HOPE. When hard times come, that is the single most important thing following God can offer (plus many more that I can't even count). Hope is not found in yourself, positive thinking, or in daily circumstances. We can't rely upon anything in our life except for our hope in God. Oh yeah and another thing is I know that one day I will be able to talk to Him about all my suffering and hear how He used it for "good" and live with Him for ETERNITY. Nothing else can give me that.

I want to leave you with the email I sent Mike Erre just so that you have more perspective on how his thoughts impacted me:

Hey Mike,
My name is Erin Motto and I am a member of Moment. I wanted to sincerely thank you for your sermon on Sunday. I'm sure you get a lot of these but I really felt led to email you my thoughts. Your sermon was something that has been 2 years in the making for me. I have grown up in the church, served God through multiple ministries....mostly creative arts. I have maintained what I thought to be a "good" relationship with God.
Then I found out while I was five month pregnant with my son, he had died in my womb. I had to deliver him. Ever since then I have grappled with anger and confusion at God. I have dealt with guilt at the fact that this is not a "right" feeling to have being a Christian. I realize that I'm not supposed to have a perfect life but I struggled with wanting to follow a God who didn't always protect me. In this process I realized that my relationship with Him has been the most authentic then ever. Even in the ugliness and complication....it is true.
I want to thank you for meeting me in the word, for stepping out to be vulnerable and preach the unpopular and the heavy. This place can be very lonely and I often have felt that very few understand. So I appreciate your honesty about your own life and struggles. I was one that stood up and I thank you for that opportunity. I pray God continues to bless you and your ministry.

God bless,
Erin

Again thank you all for your support and love, you mean so much to me!

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