It was a typical day like any other. We had been running errands and realized dinner time was just around the corner. We decided to grab dinner, after ordering our meal we were settling down in our seats. As I was hustling to get everything we needed, MarKay started to ask, "Hey mom, remember that part in Frozen when Elsa falls to the ground and cries because she heard that Anna had died?"
"Yes, I think....she falls a lot in that movie," I replied. "It's when she falls and all the snow stands still and everything stops," she explains. The scene came to mind and I remember it being a beautiful yet devastating moment. "Yeah I remember that part, why?" I asked, wondering where she could possibly be going with all this. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and without hesitation she said, "That's how I felt when I heard we lost the baby."
So here we were in the middle of Chipotle eating our dinner and then this. My heart dropped as I let those words pierce through my skin and sink in. I sat wondering how to respond, I was completely thrown off. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and just sob. But she didn't appear to be in distress or heartbroken, she was just matter of fact, she was just informing me. She was telling me her inner feelings, something she connected with a movie she had seen a hundred times before. She didn't care that we were in the middle of eating with people all around, or how it would make me feel, or that she may upset me. I wanted to honor that and support her without making her feel like she was destroying me all over again. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, I knew what to tell her. "You want to know a secret?" I asked. Her eyes were eager as she looked at me with curiosity. "Yes," she said with delight. I leaned in and whispered in her ear, "I felt the same exact way when I heard we lost the baby. You and I felt exactly the same." I could see her excitement and relief, like she wasn't alone or dumb or silly. We hugged and I thanked her so much for sharing with me how she felt. I told her she can tell me anything and I would be there for her.
It was important for me to not shut this moment out. I've been working on being present with every emotion I have, even the hard ones. As I shared with Jerry on the way home, tears started to fall, I was doing it.....I was letting the pot boil over. Even as I sit here typing this in a crowded Starbucks, tears are flowing.
There is something about my child wearing my heart on the outside of my body. I have done or "been" so many things for my children during these last couple of months. But this time, my daughter did something for me. She was vulnerable, communicating her feelings freely without reservation in the safety of my reaction. Although I wonder if crying in front of her would have been a "better" reaction, I know that it wasn't the authentic response I had for her at that moment......and that's OK. It was a great moment. One where I had pride for her....and for me.
Piper has had those moments too. I was learning a new worship song and playing it over and over in the car on our way to church. MarKay asked me what the words meant. I said, "It means even when we are broken God still loves us and can use us. We can go to Him whether we are happy, or sad, or mad and He will always be there for us." Then a little voice from the back said, "Even if we are sad like when the baby died." "Yes baby, that's actually what I was thinking," I said. After all, it was and is how I view so many worship songs...through the lens of sorrow. Maybe Piper does too.
And maybe just maybe I'm not as alone in all this as I think. I have two girls who join me in their own way. God calls us to be more like a child. In Mark 10:15 Jesus says, "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all (NASB)." They live fully in the moments of life. Piper may be throwing a tantrum but she is 100% committed to how she is feeling at that moment. MarKay may just be inquisitive and curious about life and death, but she has no fear in expressing it. They are innocent in their feelings and reactions to them. Wow, it is so pure and humbling to me. I want to be more like that. I want to be more like that towards my Heavenly Father.
I'm starting to realize that I thank God for these hidden treasures of moments in time that I will never have again with my girls. Each moment will bring its own challenges, insights, and lessons for me to learn. Each conversation will reveal their hearts to me as well as my own. Wherever this road leads, I pray these bumps continue to happen and provide healing for us all. After all, we are all broken vessels swimming in God's amazing grace.
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